FATE

58. Varsity Jackets

JONAH

Honestly? I never thought I'd live this long.

"Remind me why I agreed to come to this again?", Carmen sighs next to me. I turn to look at her- her lips slightly apart as she gazes at Cheryl's house. On the way, I noticed how lost in thought she was and for some reason, I think it has something to do with Hailee. I just don't know if she considers me someone she would talk to if she was having issues with Hailee. She doesn't even talk to her own friends.

On the other side, Brooke stands, her hands in the pockets at the side of her jacket. She bites her lip as she stares at the house seemingly unwilling to go in but I know she'll summon enough courage soon because next to her with a wide grin spread across his face as the bright lights from the house dance in his eyes- is Francis.

"Because you love me and we're spending time together", Brooke says to Carmen.

Hailee had blatantly refused to follow us and she settled for a late night, watching movies in her house. Her parents are out of town for the night and will be back later tomorrow so we'll have a place to disappear to if the party gets boring for any one of us- at all.

Brooke's fingers slide in-between mine, a mindless habit we've both formed for a while now. A satisfied smile appears on her face.

"Come on guys", she says, "let's go"

I never thought I'd live this long but I'm suddenly glad I did.

I've always wondered how I would die. Whether it would be in a car accident like my mom or if I would get hit by a car one day when crossing a busy road, maybe overdose on Louis' pills due to my reckless lifestyle, get shot by a stray bullet or 'accidentally' fall off a cliff on purpose. I've always wondered where it would happen- in my house, in Hailee's house, at school or on the road where I would be just another unfortunate dead teenager to the bystanders. I've wondered if I'll be the one to summon enough courage to take my own life or if someone else would do me the favor.

While running through thoughts such as these, I usually place the consequential events that would follow. My aunt would be devastated and so would Francis. Hailee would fall into deep depression- the same kind I would if anything devastating ever happens to her. I don't know what my father's reaction would be. He may care but at the same time, he may just think of how much of an asshole I usually am and I'll be one less burden to him.

In all the years I've had to run through suicidal thoughts, I never for once put into consideration the possibility that I would be in love and she would somehow love me back. I've never thought that death would seem like such a painful thing instead of freedom- because it would mean I don't get to see her smile again or have her fingers curled in between mine.

An anchor is usually attached to a ship using a chain to prevent it from moving or drifting away. I think that is what she is for me- an anchor to keep me in place when the heavy current comes.

"Is this how all Boston parties are?", Francis asks, his eyes on a boy lying on the lawn, laughing to himself. He looks familiar so I know I must have seen him at school.

A couple is making out in the shadows next to a chair. Empty beer cans litter the stone walkway leading to the front of the house where a couple of people hang around, talking to each other. I scrunch my nose up as the smell of vomit fills the air. Carmen makes a disgusted sound and walks ahead of us. She ignored the glances from the people in front and opens the door. As we follow her in, Brooke leans closer to me.

My feet lands on something crunchy when we walk in. The living room is packed with so many people- some sitting on the stairs, some dancing in the center to the loud thumping music. The couches are so crowded that there's nowhere to sit. It smells like beer, strong aftershave and burnt popcorn.