FATE

93. Countdown

Tick tock

Tick tock

Tick tock

The sound of the clock feels like some sort of countdown and with each passing second, my heart grows slightly heavier. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it was my talk with Jeanne today. I told her my thoughts about how it's possible for other people to affect one's fate and she said one could also affect other people's fate. So now, I'm thinking of all the ways I somehow affected people.

The thing is in life, you don't often realize that each person you see on the road or sitting next to you in class is a main character in their story and not just some minor character in yours. They have lives of their own, feelings, and experiences. They might have an uncle who's dying due to cancer or tomorrow might be their brother's birthday and they can't seem to figure out what to get him. In some ways, they're just like you. They doubt themselves, they sometimes hate themselves and they love just as hard- probably even more than you do.

We also don't often realize just how much the most insignificant actions could hurt a person who feels like they are light years away from you. I think about Carmen and how she spent all those years loving Hailee in silence and how each loving hug or moment shared with my best friend only increased her frustrations.

In some ways, I hurt Mr. and Mrs. Hartford too, when instead of being a good friend and getting their daughter the help she needed, I fueled all her urges and desires. I helped her bottle everything and develop all those unhealthy coping mechanisms. I hurt her too, and in hurting her, I hurt everyone who loves her too.

I hurt my aunt Wendy by lying to her and as happy as Francis tries to act sometimes, I see the worried look in his eyes when he stares at me, I see the care in his body language before he mentions Brooke or even Hailee because he's scared it'll hurt me. I see all of it. Sometimes, I hate how much I notice things.

My eyes flicker open to meet the white ceiling and as though I have now returned to reality, my ears seem to unclog themselves. The sound of the ticking clock returns- like a countdown.

Followed by the fourth click is a low knock and I turn to stare at the door. I'm not sure if I heard it right so I sit up and watch. The knock comes again and I stand from the bed. I guess Suri and Lauren are early- because my dinner isn't here yet.

I turn the golden knob and pull open the door, but there's no sign of Lauren. I glanced down to see Mira- a playful smile on her face and a white tray with a covered plate, utensils, and two bottles of water and orange juice on it, in her hands. She holds it up like it's a peace offering and lowers her gaze. Her hair falls over her face. I notice the red color in it is not as pronounced as it was before.

"Hey", I take the tray from her and examine it, "what is this?"

She clears her throat, "it's your dinner"

I snort, "Why are you bringing me my dinner?", I ask as I step back into the room, leaving the door open for her to enter.

I place the tray on the bedside table and grab the bottle of orange juice before turning to stare at her. She's in the room already, glancing around like it's the first time she's been in it. She takes a deep breath before turning to me and her eyes open wide.

"So?", I ask.

"Uhm...", she knots her fingers today, "I was by the cafeteria and they have a lot of stuff they're doing today so I just offered to bring your food for you"

I cock my head, "okay", I say softly, "I guess I should thank you then", I add, "can you shut the door please?"

She closes the door quickly but is careful not to make a sound with it. I sit on the bed and stare at the bottle of orange juice. Baby Lauren always drinks all my juice so I take half of it before she gets here and gives the rest to her. Maybe I should give her all of it today.