FATE

89. Rejection

"Jonah, do you know what Fate is?", Jeanne asks me.

"Are we going spiritual now?", i rub the sides of my forehead, staring at my feet.

"You seem troubled", she says and i look up at her.

"Is it that obvious?"

"What happened?"

I take a deep breath, exhaling through parted lips. I close my eyes and open them again, "i have a book i write poems, thoughts and basically everything in when i can't afford to think"

"Okay?"

"And about two days before the-", i pause, "-incident", i say, "i gave this book to Brooke"

"Oh", she crosses her right leg and drops the pen, "why did you do this?"

"At the time, it seemed like the right decision", i say, "i was so ready to tell her everything, to let her see me the way i see myself. It seemed like the right choice"

"And now?"

"I never got a chance to take that book back", i inhale again, "it appears Brooke read it"

I bury my face in my hands. My legs tap against the floor quickly- drumming the beating rhythm of my anxiety. Francis hadn't been clear on what Hailee would do next but he was sure she was going to talk to Brooke in some way. Hailee missed me and she felt as though everyone was acting like i never existed. She needed someone to talk to, someone who knew me the same way she did. It was only convenient that Brooke came at the exact time she was looking for that.

I made a mistake. What was the point of leaving her if she knew now? And why did she decide to talk to Hailee about it? What was she thinking? Or rather, what did she think about the things she read?

Jeanne's sigh is mixed with a longing hum and i look up at her. She's staring at the ceiling.

"You can't worry about that now", she says, "unfortunately, whatever Brooke thinks of you right now is solely up to her. You don't have a say in it"

I lean into the couch. She's right.

"Would you like to know what she thinks?", she asks.

I shake my head, "I'm curious but I'm scared"

"Understandable", Jeanne says, "we fear a number of things Jonah", she adjusts herself on her seat, "heights, insects, dirt, people. Fear manifests itself in different ways for different people. For you, it does so in rejection of any kind at all"

I cock my head, "rejection?"

I've never liked being rejected. That much, i know. It's the reason why i wasted so much time on telling Brooke how i felt about her- because i wanted to be sure that she would feel the same, so I wouldn't make a mistake.

"Do you feel like your father rejected you in any way?"

I frown, "you're not letting this topic go, are you?"

She shakes her head.

I roll my eyes, "of course he did. I don't know why but he did. He was good at first", i furrow my eyebrows, thinking back to the earliest years of my life, "he was always there. Then he wasn't and I can't tell exactly when the change began, i just know it did and it felt like my mom and i loved in a house with a stranger that showed up from time to time"

"How did that make you feel as a child?"

I blink at Jeanne. No one asks me questions like this and gets a straightforward answer but over the weeks I've spent here, it's easier to talk to Jeanne. It's almost comfortable.