Her // Joe Goldberg (COMPLETED)

19

Observing you had always been part of my routine. Psychologists, maybe even your average person would label this as stalking but that word is too strong and carries a lot of depth when compared to what we have. This genuinely wasn't stalking, this had quickly become necessity. How would I know that you were okay if I physically couldn't see you ?  How would I have the peace of mind that Honey hadn't brought home a mass murderer who was a threat to your life ? You see it now Kelsey ? This, all of this, is purely for you and your safety. However, now my observation was not from afar, I did not have to protect you from afar, there was no standing in cold streets and I was able to hear your conversations and even add to them. Exactly three weeks since our disaster of a first date had happened, I will always call it a disaster but you will never see it like that. You find wins in the littlest of things and you will be the positive influence that I needed in my life for so long. This was the first time I was staying at your house, we went to a shitty little bar after work and somehow ended up here. There has to be a God out there because you still hadn't realised that Max and I were once neighbours and I was thanking everything for that. Of course, this meant you still hadn't come to my apartment but you didn't question it or ask so I didn't suggest it.

"It's almost five in the morning, what are you doing still up ?" I questioned, I was leaning against the doorway of the living room. I didn't mean to startle you but I had and it was for a good cause. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor in complete darkness with a blanket wrapped around you, working on peoples accounts. You put your hand to your heart and tried to slow down your breathing. "You scared me" you said while shaking your head as I turned on a light so I could see more than a laptop screen. "You haven't answered my question" I said while taking a seat on the couch behind you, I chose that seat purely to get the cup of coffee out of your hand. We were wrestling for the cup but I'd win, you were one expresso away from a mental breakdown.

"I tried to sleep. I did. But there were too many thoughts whizzing around on my head. I work when I can't sleep, you'll discover that quickly. I finished your account, Mooneys is in a surplus for this month" you said through a nod as I pretended to cheer, quietly though, we couldn't have anybody else awake, it was late. "We'll have to go dinner then to celebrate" I told you but it was supposed to just be a suggestion as you titled your head. "Dinner ? What are we ? Boyfriend and girlfriend ?" you questioned, you were just testing the water, seeing how I'd react, I knew you were but you laughed lightly and shook your head. Neither of us said our thoughts out loud but you were the one fresh out of a relationship, we were doing it on your terms.

Still on the floor, you closed your laptop and leaned on the couch. "I think we should too though. Pizza" you mumbled so I nodded, as I've always said, whatever you wanted, you'd get. "Whatever you want" I told you as you smiled, happy to get your way because you never did before. There was still something on your mind though. I was sitting up straight, waiting to be included in your problems and you resorted to lying on the couch with your head on my lap. You were comfortable with me, it's all I could ever ask for. Your hair was sprawled all over my lap, I never realised how blonde it was before. Was I supposed to notice a detail like this ? I never had before with Beck or Candice or well, anyone. The intensity of someone's hair colour. It was weird to me.

You'd resorted back to your habit, biting your nails, I knew you were stressed then. Something was bothering you and I didn't plan on sleeping until I found out every last detail and your head was clear. "Len texted me, he wants to talk. He said it's really really important and added some really angry looking emojis. I've obviously done something, he has a problem with me anyway. I'm running through every bad thing I've done in my life" you began, you were looking up at me innocently. Your list can't have been that long, you don't do any wrong. "He's the nicest person I think I've ever met but he's loud when he's mad, it's scary. Nona was never afraid though, she's never afraid. She's not as weak as I am. Then Mom-Bianca, her funeral was last week and Justin sent me this little piece in the paper back home about her. All she had was Charlie and Justin. She was put in a wooden box, now she's ashes. No service, nothing. She died alone with no goodbye, we ended on terrible terms and that's eating me alive" you ranted, you were being honest. "Len is definitely just a change in workout schedule and you didn't know what was going to happen to Bianca. It's okay" I said, trying to calm you down. Night is when you do all of your thinking so everything hit you like a truck. You were worried your conversation with Len could turn into another potential conflict and that scared you, understandably, you hated conflict. It was a quality that very quickly transpired to a flaw. But as I've said that what love is, you have to accept a person in their full entirety, every quality, every flaw.

"Joe" you said softly, still looking up at me. I've looked in those ice countless times but this time, like your hair, I noticed then a lot more. They held so much pain Kelsey but there was still glints of light, bits of purity and good forcing their way out of them. Why was I noticing you a lot more ? "I think this should just be official now. Why waste time ?" you said through a shrug. This isn't what I envisioned, I don't think I've ever asked someone that question before, I've always just presumed, but I said yes and you kissed me. I was once again over the moon, there was nothing you could do to upset me at this point Kelsey. You, are what I've spent my whole life looking for and now I get to call you my girlfriend.