Close to me

Envelopes

May 2093

"Erica, come sit" Grandma gestured towards her dining room table.

"I was going through Avery's things and I found these."

She pulled out 5 envelopes. There were names on each of them and mine was on one.

"These were in a box labeled: Read these when I'm gone" grandma said.

My eyes were filled with tears and my nose was getting stuffed up. She was planning to kill herself for a while.

Grandma handed me one of the envelopes. A tear slid down my cheek and I was taking deep breathes to prevent myself from crying. She never told me.

"Open it when you're ready." She said after I looked at it for a minute.

I grazed my hand over her handwriting and studied each letter. My heart felt so empty.

"Erica, it's ok to cry. I'm right here" grandma said softly. Those words comforted me, and I could see grandma wanted to cry too. I stood up and gave her a hug. I wanted to tell her how I felt and wanted to ask her a thousand questions, but I knew I shouldn't say anything right now because she might not even know they answer.

"One time we can go through Avery's stuff okay?" Grandma said.

"That would be great" I said as I wiped away tears.

I headed back home and thought. When grandma said we would look through her stuff, I knew it would bring back memories. Good memories. And I knew I should think about the good memories but it's so hard. Mostly I was mad and sad. We told each other everything. When did she stop trusting me? The I thought about the envelope. I wanted to read it but I knew I wasn't ready. Those would be the last words from her to me. I needed to hear them at the right time. I got home and laid in my bed for the rest of the day.

___________________________________

"It's been 5 days since and I think you should talk to a therapist" my mom said. She was sitting at the end of my bed and she was telling me she was worried about me. I hadn't eaten much and spent most of my time in bed.

"I don't know." I said.

"Is it ok if I set up an appointment for you? How about tomorrow?" she said.

"That's fine" I responded. Yesterday was the funeral. I cried so much. I hardly even remember any of it, and the parts I do remember are blurry. I blame myself. And I know I shouldn't, because that's what everyone is telling me, but they weren't there. They didn't hear me scream and beg for her to come down. They didn't see her jump into ongoing traffic. They didn't hear the cars collide below. And they didn't see me fall to my hands and knees when I knew she was gone.

I didn't really want someone knowing all of my personal thoughts, and I never wanted to retell that day ever again. Going to a therapist made me sound like I had mental problems.

For some reason today I felt very bad about myself. I kept thinking about how she took a deep breath before she leaped off of the edge, and I couldn't even do anything about it. I watched Avery kill herself. My eyes were filling with tears. I wanted to die. I probably deserved to. Avery killed herself because of me anyway. I sat up in my bed. I looked at my desk.

I spotted the scissors.