Close to me

The Letter

Dear Erica,

Its not your fault. Please, please don't blame yourself. You have always been there for me; I was the problem. I have been so alone, and I feel as if I can't tell anyone. I can't explain it. I would have told you, but I felt this pain in my chest every time I thought about it – as if you would be disappointed, as if everyone would be disappointed. But now I am gone, and I can finally tell you how I feel.

I was at school. And I was deep in thought. I was looking around at everyone. Blonde hair, brown hair, black hair. White teeth, straight nose, normal laugh. Curvy, flat, skinny bodies. I looked down at myself and did something I never did before. I compared myself to them. Do I look like them? What do people think when they see me? Do they think I'm ugly? Do they talk behind my back? A lot of questions.

At first I didn't think much of it. But then I started think about it every day.

On Thursday the football team had a game and my friends took me. Cassie was dating Brandon, who is one of the most popular boys in the WHOLE school. The game had just started, and Cassie was getting popcorn. Her phone was right next to me. She got a notification.

It was from a group chat with all of the boys and most of the girls. I shouldn't have snooped, but I looked at their texts. They were about me. They said my laugh was annoying, my teeth were crooked, my nose was too big, my hair was unhealthy and to top it all off they said "no offense"

After that they always gave me "tips" on how to be better.

"You should eat less"

"You shouldn't laugh so loud"

"Don't wear that"

"Are you anorexic?"

"You look like a slut today"

"You're going to be the last to get a boyfriend"

"Tryhard"

"Are you even trying?"

My self esteem decreased drastically.

I started cutting a few days later. It was like I was getting what I deserved. I wasn't good enough and didn't deserve to be alive.

Then I planned.

No one will be there, and I will peacefully jump. All alone. It'll be easier that way.

I'm sorry I never got to give you one last hug. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you goodbye. It is better this way. You are going to do amazing things and I will be there the whole way. Remember that when you're in space. I know you'll make it. Just remember me. Please.

I love you so much and I am proud to call you my cousin, and best friend.

Avery