These Broken Parts

It Starts in the Computer Lab

"Please, let me explain!"

Connor stopped short, his back to Evan. He wasn't sure what made him stop, if it was the fact that he felt like an asshole for how he'd treated the anxious boy earlier (he really hadn't meant to push him, especially that hard...), or if it was the words he spoke. They haunted him, reminding him of days long ago when he would try to explain to his parents why he had done something, and they'd brush him off and tell him they didn't want to hear it.

Whatever the reason, he felt compelled to hear Evan out.

Slowly, he turned to face Evan, a steely look in his eye. Most people interpreted that look as anger. But for him, it was more about protecting himself, closing himself off. After all, this could still just be an elaborate prank to humiliate him.

"I... it's just... um..." Evan sounded frantic. He looked ready to cry. Most people would have laughed at him for that – boys don't cry, right? But Connor knew that feeling. Though his thoughts were racing and his skin was crawling, he tried to give the other boy the benefit of the doubt. He tried hard to remain patient and not roll his eyes.

Evan fell silent, staring at his shoes, picking at the hem of his shirt. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, he could feel a panic attack edging its way up his body. He NEEDED that letter back. He tried to make eye contact with Connor again, but the anger in Connor's eyes terrified him.

Evan stood that way for so long, silently staring at the floor, that Connor didn't think he'd ever speak again. Connor sighed in frustration. He was trying to be patient, trying to let Evan say his piece, but he was starting to lose his shit. He fidgeted in place, feeling caged, like the walls were closing in on him. He had to get out of there, had to go- Well, he just had to go. Today had not been a good day, and his thoughts were taking him to dark places, convincing him it was all his fault, that he had to- had to...

Suddenly, Evan looked Connor in the eye, and spoke - super fast, but still, he spoke.

"I, um, go to therapy. And, so, my, um, well, my therapist suggested I- well, that I write letters to myself and-" His voice caught in his throat. He couldn't believe he'd just told Connor Murphy that he went to therapy. He glanced up at Connor, not with fear this time, but with shame, before quickly looking away.

Connor took a small step forward. He had the sudden urge to reach a hand out to Evan, to steady and comfort him. He was used to people avoiding eye contact with him out of fear – he was crazy Connor Murphy, after all. If he really thought about it, he realized it had been a long time since someone looked at him with anything other than fear in their eyes.

But this wasn't that. He could see the humiliation in Evan's eyes. He was embarrassed to be admitting to someone that he was in therapy - another feeling Connor knew well. So it was... well, he didn't want to say nice because that seemed mean - Evan was clearly struggling to tell him this. But it was nice not to be looked at like he was going to murder the person before him. The only other person who had looked at Connor without fear was, well....

After an eternity, Evan tried again, even managed to look Connor in the eye.

"I just was - I mean I wasn't - it wasn't about you being there. It was stupid, I'm sorry. I just like - I mean, you know. Well, you don't, I guess.... I like Zoe. I'm sorry, that's weird to say to you. Not because you're you but because - because you're her brother. I-I wasn't trying - I mean, I would never... I wasn't trying to trick you or call you - well, I mean, you're not crazy... I'm sorry."

Evan took a breath, his heart still racing. But for some reason, the panic attack he thought was inevitable never came. Despite his racing heart, he felt a weird calm falling over him. The steely look in Connor's eyes had lessened some. He didn't look ready to push Evan again. So, Evan continued.

"I never meant for anyone to see that letter. It wasn't a trick, I'm sorry. I just... can I... Please don't tell her..."

"Whatever," Connor gritted out after several tense minutes of silence. Logically, he knew Evan was telling the truth. But his brain was still screaming at him to protect himself, to throw his walls back up. To run. "Well...." Connor spun on his heel to leave.