These Broken Parts

All That Matters

Evan stayed by Connor's side for three days. It was two days before the doctors felt they could safely ease Connor off the sedative. It was another day before he fully woke up, coming out of the fog he'd been in for days. The first thing he saw was Evan, sitting in a chair by his side, gripping his hand, slumped over with his head on Connor's hospital bed, asleep.

He took in his surroundings, trying to clear his head. He still felt a little fuzzy, couldn't completely remember how he'd ended up here. He had a feeling he didn't want to remember.

He gently squeezed Evan's hand. Evan jumped, lifting his head and blinking sleep from his eyes. When he saw Connor was awake, he jumped up, kissing his forehead.

"Connor! Oh, god, Connor, I've been so scared!" Evan cried, turning to yell for everyone. Connor tugged on his hand, stopping him. He looked back at Connor, frowning.

"Evan..." Connor cleared his throat, looking away, ashamed – ashamed for so many reasons. For the things he'd said and done. For ignoring his own warning signs, for the things he'd said to Zoe and Evan. Mostly, he was ashamed that Evan was seeing him like this.

"It's okay," Evan insisted. "It's okay."

"No," Connor said firmly. "No, it's not. I treated you terribly. I said things I didn't mean. I said them on purpose, to push you away. I didn't want you to see how badly I was spiraling... I.."

Evan put a finger to Connor's lips, stopping him from saying more.

"You're alive. You're alive and you're here with me, and that's all I care about. I don't care about the things you said or did. I don't. You're still the most important thing in the world to me. I-I... I just hope you can forgive me for... Well, getting you sent here...And for, um, for whatever comes next."

Connor slumped against his pillow, putting his head in his hands. "It's not your fault. You did what you had to do. I brought this on myself.."

Connor frowned at the IVs in his arms and hands. He realized vaguely that, in addition to the sedative, they must have been pumping him full of anti-depressants or something, because his mind finally felt clear. He still felt a little numb, but he was finally thinking straight. The longer he was awake, the more he remembered from the last month. And the more ashamed he was. The more he hated himself.

He patted the bed beside him. Evan immediately hopped up beside him, Connor curling beside him so his head was tucked under Evan's chin. Evan wrapped his arms around him, planting kisses on his head. It was exactly how Connor had been with him when he'd be in the hospital. Except this situation was much, much scarier.

"I don't deserve you," Connor said, shaking with tears he could no longer hold back. "You shouldn't forgive me. I'm... I'm not a good person, Ev. I hurt everyone around me. I'm a bad influence. You smoked pot because of me. I... You should walk away."

"You can't get rid of me that easily," Evan said firmly, squeezing Connor's hand and planting more kisses on him. "I'm just as broken as you are, Connor, you know the things I've done. You've seen me at my worst, too. You were the only person to question if I really fell or if I..." He paused, sighing. "We're in this together. You changed my life, and I won't let you talk yourself out of it."

Connor was sobbing now, unable to hold back any longer. Evan pulled him close, letting Connor sob into his hoodie, his fist balling in Evan's sleeve. Evan rested his head on Connor's head, rubbing his back.

Finally, after several long minutes, Connor leaned back, exhausted. Evan stayed with him until he closed his eyes and fell asleep. He would have stayed longer, except a noise made him look up. Heidi stood in the doorway, an unreadable look on her face.