These Broken Parts

Something Had Changed

Something had changed. Evan wasn't sure what it was, but Connor wasn't behaving like himself. He was always super cheerful and goofy, and Evan loved that, but it just wasn't typical of his moody boyfriend. But every time Evan tried to bring it up, Connor made a joke of it, showering him in kisses to get him to change the subject.

Evan didn't want to push too hard, didn't want to push Connor away, but his concern was growing by the day.

Things took a weird turn in mid-April. Connor ran up to Evan at his locker, grabbing him from behind and spinning him around. Everyone stared, whispering as they went by.

Connor felt good, but for all the wrong reasons. He'd fallen into a deadly cycle of taking sleeping pills to sleep at night, then popping Adderall in the morning to shake off the fogginess of the sleeping pills. But his brain refused to understand that what he was doing wasn't a good idea. He felt good again, and that was all that mattered.

Evan stared, wide-eyed, at Connor, once Connor had planted him back on his feet.

"Hi..." Evan said uncertainly, as Connor leaned in and kissed him, pressing him against the lockers. "N-not that I don't, you know, love you, but this is... a surprise.."

Connor shrugged. "What? I'm tired of not touching you at school. Let them be angry about it," he said, raising his voice and staring around at everyone lingering, steel and anger in his eyes.

"Connor-" Evan hesitated.

"I'm not going to apologize for who I am anymore. If you don't like it..." Connor shrugged, backing away. "By the way, meet me at my house after school, 'kay?" He blew Evan a kiss, then turned his back on him and walked right out the door, not even caring that a teacher was there, calling his name.

Connor half-walked, half-ran home. When he got inside, he threw his backpack down, not even caring. No one was home, and no one would be home all week. His parents and sister were visiting family for Easter. He had the place to himself. He couldn't wait for Evan to get there.

He ran up to his room and grabbed the container under his bed, popping an Adderall. He couldn't be sleepy with Evan coming over. He hopped around his room, blasting some music (something his mother would have screamed at him for, if she were home) while he cleaned up.

He sat still only long enough to drag the razor blade across his wrist, clean it up, and replace his bracelets. The more emotionally numb he grew, the more he needed the release of cutting. Seeing his body bleed reminded him he was still alive and capable of feeling pain. He shrugged to himself, then went back to running around, making everything nice for Evan.

When Evan arrived an hour later, Connor excitedly explained that they had the house to themselves for three days.

"How did you convince your parents to let you stay home alone for three days??" Evan asked, eyes wide.

Connor shrugged. "It was easy. My mom's still so happy with the 180 my life has taken, she doesn't question anything. And Larry is still trying to adjust to his son being gay, so I think he welcomed the time away. I also promised I wouldn't throw any parties or have anyone over without supervision." The last part made him chuckle wickedly. "Plus, I told her I'd be spending time with you and Heidi, and not just all by myself."

"Wooowwww, okayyyyy," Evan said, trying to sound excited, but his worry was nagging at him. Connor was hyper, bouncing around, unable to sit still. "What did you do, have ten cups of coffee?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

Connor shook his head. "Nope, just excited for time alone with you. Can you convince your mom you're at Jared's or something?"

"I can try... Hopefully she'll believe me, if Jared backs me up." He texted his mom that he'd be home late, then texted Jared to ask him to cover for him. He tucked his phone away.