These Broken Parts

Vulnerable

"You know, I can't decide if it's very trusting of my mom to let us have time alone, or very naïve," Connor joked one day, about two weeks after he'd come out to his mom (and Zoe, but Evan still didn't know about that, so...). He and Evan were cuddling on Evan's bed. Heidi had taken an extra shift that night to help cover one of her sick coworkers, so she was pulling a double and wouldn't be home for ages. The second Evan had texted him, Connor had raced over, calling a quick "heading to Evan's," to his mom, who nodded after him with a firm reminder to be home by 9pm, so his father didn't notice or scold him.

Evan grinned a little, shrugging innocently. Every day, he got more and more comfortable with his feelings and affections. He initiated kisses more, cuddled more, held Connor's hand more. He would even explore the other boys body more, running his hands down Connor's arms, or snaking a hand under his shirt and rubbing his stomach or back. He was still too nervous to take it much further than that, but they'd had a few make-out sessions, mostly with him taking his cues from Connor, and never going too far.

"What's that smirk for?" Connor asked, rolling onto his elbow and staring down at Evan, a wicked gleam in his eyes.

"N-nothing," Evan stammered, feeling completely vulnerable and exposed with Connor looking down at him through the curtain of his hair. He felt his pulse quicken as Connor leaned in and kissed him. Evan reached up and placed his arm around Connor, pulling him in closer. His nerves were on fire, his anxiety making him question every move he made, yelling at him that Connor would pull away at any second and ask him why he was being such an idiot. He tried to silence the voices in his head, but failed, and started to pull away, but Connor pressed closer.

They'd never really had The Talk. It was still early in their relationship. But because Evan pulled away every time things got too intense, he'd finally felt compelled to admit to Connor that he was too nervous to make a move most of the time, that he liked when they were close, but didn't know how to shut his nervous brain up long enough to act on his feelings. Connor had always assured him there was no pressure, that they would only take it as far as he was comfortable.

Evan didn't know how to admit that he wanted more. He'd lived his entire life trying not to bring attention to himself, and admitting he wanted more, or initiating it, felt too dangerous and bold. The closer he and Connor became, though, the more he wanted more.

Today was one of those days. It felt like he couldn't get enough of Connor, and he found himself pressing closer, deepening their kisses. That was all the encouragement Connor needed. One second, he was beside Evan, pressed close, kissing him, running his hand down Evan's chest and stomach; the next, his hand was under Evan's shirt, pushing it up, making lazy circles with his fingers. Evan felt his body responding. He pressed closer still, his arm going around the other boy, his hand trailing down his back. Evan wasn't sure what made him do it, what caused his brain to malfunction, but suddenly, he boldly trailed his hand down further and grabbed Connor's ass.

Connor let out a strangled moan, flipping so Evan was under him. The pressure and warmth of his body comforted Evan, almost like having a weighted blanket for anxiety. It felt... safe.

When Connor's fingers started brushing under the waistband of his jeans, though, Evan felt his anxiety spike a little. He tried to ignore it, as Connor unbuttoned Evan's jeans, his hand trailing further down. But Evan's heart started to pound, and he squirmed uncomfortably, breaking their kiss and pulling away.

Connor immediately backed off. "Are you okay? We don't have to- I'm sorry, I just got caught up in the heat of the moment. But this - We don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with."

Evan felt his entire face flame with humiliation. He felt like such a loser. Connor must have seen it in his eyes, because he sat up and pulled Evan with him, so they were both sitting on the edge of the bed side-by-side.