𝑭𝑨𝑳𝑳𝑰𝑵𝑮, djs ✓

I Am Yours

What Am I?

an essay from a regular teenage girl

I'm not used to writing stuff like this. What am I? At first, I didn't know. I've never thought about it until my lifestyle changed. The beginning of this year, I was asked to move to LA for a couple months. Being the ignorant teenager I am, I thought of what I'd be missing. Homecoming. Winter Formal. Senior Walk. Pep Rallies. The list goes on. But it didn't take me too long for me to figure out that, none of that's important.

When my brother asked me to live with him until January, I panicked. I was worried about missing out on the latest news or going to the hottest parties. I had serious "fear of missing out", I was worried my friends would replace me, or I'd get sidetracked with my time here and I'd fall behind in my classes. It never occurred to me what I was really scared of - change.

I always hated change growing up. My mom always told me "The world around us will change, it's important you don't change yourself for the world." I lived by that for a while, thinking it meant avoid change at all costs. My whole high school career I made it known that I will be studying within state. My brother moved a thousand miles away from us, I didn't want to do the same.

I was always felt compared to my brother. As if my world was built upon his standards. He was the perfect child, as cliche as that sounds. He was the star football player who was fortunate to have hometown fans of his own. My own English teacher even loves him. I always wondered what that felt like. Being able to please everyone. It took me a while to realize that you can't please everyone. Not even my brother could please everyone, but somehow he was still able to. It wasn't his charming personality or his looks that pleased everyone, but his view towards others. He didn't view the world around him negatively or hold anything against anyone. His humility helped so many people not only in our community, but beyond it. However, his humility is a curse as much as it's a blessing. Ethan never burdened anyone with his problems. He put his needs last, and others first. He pushed away his problems so he could put on a brave face for those around him. He protected me and my parents from seeing the hurt and the demons in his soul. He never showed his pain to his friends, or his teammates he calls his brothers. No one knew he was hurting, I never would've guessed. Until I came to LA.

I now believe that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why I was invited to come to LA. I thought it was to spend some time with my brother, but for good reasons and good reasons only. Yesterday, I learned the truth.

My brother is in risk of dying.

I found out he's hurting, been hurting. He felt as if he wasn't enough. He wanted to be the best, because the best was all he's ever been used to. I learned my brother hasn't been playing football, not because he's temporarily benched, but because he's been kicked off his university's team for steroid abuse. He found out he's in risk of kidney failure if nothing is done about it. He's been working hard in school, harder than ever. I thought he'd ditch me here for after-parties and cookouts, but he's been working long nights, trying to pay off his college debt. Being his usual, Ethan, self, my parents don't know. He can't bare to worry them so much. They think he's living his football dreams here, but he's broken. I now know the reason why I was brought here. To be a light for my brother.

So what am I? I'm a student, a daughter, a senior, a friend, a lover. I'm human. I make mistakes - but my mistakes are what help me find me. Mistakes don't define me, just like they don't define my brother. When I look at my brother, I see my hero, my best friend. I don't see a disease or a failure. So what am I? Some people could say I'm a light. Some might say I'm a pain. Some might say I'm everything to them. So when you ask me again, what am I? I'm human. Just like you and the guy next to you. I'm human, just like the boy next door and the lady down the street. I'm a mistake making, imperfect, messy, human. And I love me. I may be different things to different people, but no matter what, I'm me. And to whoever's reading, you know who you are, I am yours - believe that. I'm not special. I'm human. But I'm me, and a million other things to a million other people, and that's okay. Call me whatever you want . I know what I am, I am yours.

Yours truly,

A fellow human being

He finally finishes reading and puts my laptop down. Tears forming along his eyes.

"Y/n, this is beautiful. This is just, I don't know what to say. I'm so proud of you sis." Ethan takes me into his arms as his tears fall onto my hair.

"You've always wanted to have your name out there, thought I could share your story."

"No, y/n, this is your story, and it's beautiful. I'm so proud of you." He says, squeezing me tighter. "Thank you."

"Anytime, E. You've done so much for me, it's the least I could do." I keep myself in his safe embrace.

"I love you, sis."

"Right back at ya Ethan."