The Pain Made Me Strong ~ Levi x Reader

Chapter 41

Y/n’s POV-

     I don’t know how much time had passed since Levi had admitted his feelings for me. All I know was I ran straight to my room, locked the door, and crawled in bed. My mind raced in every direction, it pushed and pulled, trying to come up with some understanding of how I was feeling. It was all to no avail.

     I couldn’t believe he said all that, never in a million years would I have expected him to feel that way. Maybe I am just stupid, maybe it was all right there and obvious and I just looked past it because I never learned what love was.

     Do I like Levi? Have I liked Levi? How was I supposed to know, I was never told what it felt like to like someone. Granted it was true, I would give anything to have Levi by my side the rest of my time on Earth, but did that mean I liked him? Or was that just something friends felt about each other?

     Walls! Why did I run out of there, I have ruined everything, Levi is probably in his office just glaring in utter hatred toward me, or worse, he’s saddened by the way I ran out on him. It was probably both, Levi wasn’t one to tell his feelings to people and he trusted me enough to tell me his feelings and I just ran away. Who even was I?

     When he said that, when he said he thinks I like him too, was he right? I couldn’t even think in that moment of anything to say, how did I not know what to say? How do I still not know what to say? Despite whatever it is I am feeling about Levi, one thing is for sure. I just fucked everything up and Levi is never going to want to see me again… ever.

     That deeply saddened me, Levi was the person who made me the happiest, I couldn’t imagine my life without him and now I went and messed up everything. This was a mess. I was a mess. Tears spilled from my eyes in frustration since I got to my room until no more tears were left, and now I was sitting here, not knowing what to do.

     I couldn’t face him. Not now. What would I say? What would I do? When he told me that he liked me, in a way more than a friend, that familiar feeling of butterflies came to me again, the way it had many times prior when I was with Levi. Did that mean something? Was that a sign that I liked him? 

     How was I supposed to know! 

     I groaned in frustration into my pillow. My life was officially over. A titan would not be the death of me, Levi and my stupid inability to understand feelings will be. Maybe I was jealous of Petra when I was in his office like he said. The idea of Petra trying to be with Levi makes me feel...weirdly upset, but surely that is just because she would be taking my friend’s attention away from me...right?

     Levi consumed my thoughts to no end, why couldn’t I just know whether I liked him or not? Why did it have to be some mystery to even me? When Eren had talked about Levi liking me in the past, I never thought that would ever be true, but I guess when I used to hear it, it made me happy? I don’t know why considering I don’t even know what Levi liking me would entail. 

     Would he want to be in a relationship? What even is a relationship and what do you do? Would I want to kiss Levi if I liked him? That is what couples do, right?...Does he want to kiss me? I felt my face grow warm at the idea of Levi wanting to kiss me, I guess I had never thought of that before.

     But all this comes down to if I like him or not and I have no idea if I do. I have lived my life till this point thinking I’d be alone forever, then I met Levi and my friends and everything changed, but I have still never been loved a day in my life by anyone, let alone anyone who taught me what love even meant, so, in that case, I can’t like someone?

     Cutting off my scattered thoughts was a knock at my door, “Y/n? Are you in there?” a concerned Eren sounded through the door.

     I heard the locked doorknob jiggle and a louder knock, “Y/n I am seriously worried about you! You weren’t at lunch, dinner, or breakfast! Please I need to know you are okay!”