ｇｒａｔｉｔｕｄｅ༄

Friday, April 17, 2020 (For A)

( A/N: this chapter goes over personal struggles, negative thoughts, and mentions suicide. )

༻ ────── -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ- ────── ༺

I've always been a social butterfly, and I've always had people around me. I make them laugh, I spread jokes, and I always help where I can. I'm not close with many, but I do really appreciate the lives and hearts I've gotten to interact with. They're all so special and different and I'm always grateful to get to know someone new.

༻ ──────  -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ-  ────── ༺

༻ ──────  -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ-  ────── ༺

People have come and gone, but even then, I try to make my experiences with them the best possible. I do hide a lot, to put their needs first. I get insecure because I like when people stay, and not many people like emotional baggage. I tend to hide feelings and hardships, making it harder and harder to keep up my image. I entered a falling loophole of wanting to help while hurting myself, because I put so much value in the wellbeing of others, even if they don't care for me that much.

༻ ──────  -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ-  ────── ༺

༻ ──────  -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ-  ────── ༺

When things got unbearable, I realized that I couldn't talk to anyone. I was so good at setting up this picture for myself as everyone's ladder and laughter that I didn't know anyone who would be comfortable with me being me. Some people I grew close to subtly agreed with me to never talk about our hardships, but sometimes it feels plastic. I started feeling alone, like I couldn't reach out to anyone, like I was failing people by being so upset and unable to help them as I always used to be. I got frustrated because I wasn't getting better and I wasn't able to cover it up. My family was shattering, my friends were getting worried and distant, and I was so unforgiving and impatient with myself. I knew if I stayed people would stay worried and concerned, people would try to reach out for a hand that wasn't there, and I was growing tired. I didn't want to worry any one because of my inability to heal, I didn't want my family to think it was their fault any longer.

I was ready to kill myself.

That's not the only reason, there are so many other things that I won't share. I don't want to make this a venting story.

༻ ──────  -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ-  ────── ༺

༻ ──────  -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ-  ────── ༺

I didn't know where to go, so I fled. I made arrangements, I wrote my goodbye notes and text messages, and I was prepared to give it all up. I usually am not this unreasonable and selfish, but small piling mishaps and struggles overflowed my cup of which I had no chance to empty. I had taken a break from wattpad while only updating this book, so I knew no one would notice for a long while, and quarantine was also in my favor.

Then I got a text from you. At 10:17pm, 53 minutes before I was ready to leave.

"try and get some sleep, i know you need it :)
stay safe, bucky, i love you ❤️❤️❤️"

and I realized that you were there for me.

༻ ──────  -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ-  ────── ༺

༻ ──────  -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ-  ────── ༺

I realized that even though I said I was leaving, even though I said I would be gone, you still sent me messages, sent me songs..persistently, insistently, telling me that you were there for me. You wrote an entire book for me, you kept me in your thoughts, and you were stubborn enough to dip your hands into my tar to pull me out of it.

Thank you, Addisyn. Thank you for showing me that people can still love me through all of my negativity, that people still want me for me.

That I can be loved without my jokes, without my humor, and without my guidance.

That I'm more than my broken home, my hardships, and what I have ripped out of myself to give others.

I know those were just things you said out of worry and impulse, but they meant a lot as they kept multiplying.

Thank you for saving me, I couldn't ever say it enough. I truly don't deserve to call you my friend.

I'm forever grateful for you Addisyn.

I love you.
n0_thnks

༻ ──────  -ˋˏ ʚ♡ɞ ˎˊ-  ────── ༺

( sorry for this being so long addi. you know i'm a rambler. )