Misanthrope

3

My days have started to blend in together, my body consumed with an emotional and physical numbness. I wake up every morning without the memory of what I had done the day before.

When I look in the mirror the next morning, I see that my bruises have gotten worse. Today I decide to wear a white turtle neck with a cropped blue flannel and a pair of baggy jeans. I accessorise with a simple lock style chain, two baby blue clips in my hair and a pair of platform Dr. Martens.

I apply my usual makeup, brush my teeth and hair and then leave. Dads gone off to god knows where so I don't have to face him today and hopefully not tomorrow either.

Because I'm early I stop at the cafe and get an iced coffee to go, hopefully it will give me the energy to get through the day without having to eat anything.

Being one of the first people into school is a surreal experience. It's like you're the only person alive in the whole world. You're in a place that's usually bustling with hundreds of people, but, instead of stepping inside the crowded hallways, you find yourself listening to the echo of your footsteps and the dripping of the water fountain. It's dark but as you walk the lights flicker on and the place seems a little more alive, in an almost eery way.

I walk to my locker and grab my books for my first few classes and make my way to the bathroom. I look in the mirror at my swollen cheekbone and grimace.

I mean, I don't blame him. Who could love someone like me.

I walk into one of the stalls and light a cigarette. I'm not wearing a skirt today and I'm lazy so I put my cig out on my arm instead. I put it close to one of my cuts so it hurts a bit more.

I don't know why but the feeling of self inflicted pain has always been soothing for me. It's different to being beaten. You have more control and you decide what you feel for yourself.

When I leave the bathroom again there are a lot of people in the hallway. I look down at my phone seeing that I spent a half hour on the bathroom.

It felt like five minutes.

I also have a message from Chase.

Shithead: where r u?

Me: outside the girls bathrooms i came in early

Shithead: omw

As I'm leaning against the water fountain I take in my surroundings. So many teenagers in one place.

It's hell.

Some people think school is hell because of the teachers or the school work.

No.

It's the students. We bully the shit out of each other, and for what? What does one gain from another persons hurt? Why do bully's feel good about making others feel bad?

Those are questions I have asked myself my whole life and I have never been able to find an answer to it. 'She's just jealous' bullshit, if you think I'm pretty compliment me don't tell me I look like a pig. 'He probably has a crush on you' fuck that, a boy that wants to fuck you wont tell you to kill yourself.

Society is fucked and I'm still struggling to come to terms with it.

"Alex" a familiar voice calls out. I turn to see Chase making his way towards me from down the hall.