Infection in the air (walking dead fanfic)

(16) It's bad

"Get up, kid, Carl's been looking for you." A rough shake woke me up the next morning. I groaned and rolled over, pushing the person that woke me up away. I know its Daryl. Its always Daryl.

"Hey, Jinxx. Come on. Want to tell me what went down last night between you two? He was pissed when he got back" He said. I sat up and rubbed the sleepiness away from my eyes. Looking at Daryl, I felt like crying.

"He," I hiccupped, "he proposed, I think."

"That's great. Congratulations." he said.

"No, dad. I said no."

"Why?"

"Because, what if he was just drunk? And why do we need to get married? I mean, I want to but... I don't know. Its stupid." I said, looking at the ground. I don't know how to explain it. Daryl sat down next to me on the bed and hugged me, and I lost it for a minute. I started crying and he held me. When I'd regained my composure, he asked what was happening in my head.

"I just, I always thought things were just about surviving here. I was okay with that. But then Lights was born and everyone was so happy and I felt like... Like the apocalypse hadn't happened. Then Carl asked that stupid question and I realized that I would be married to someone, knowing they could be eaten by walkers tomorrow. I don't know if I can handle knowing that I might have to live without him." I tried saying. "He called me Jinxx Grimes last night. I was trying to correct him but, I couldn't remember my old last name. I hardly remember anything before the world went to shit. I don't know. I'm being stupid. I'm going to sit here for a little bit and I'll be down in the cell in a while to feed Lights and eat lunch." I finished.

"Okay, kid. Stay safe up there. You'll be okay." Daryl said, pointing to my head. He probably thinks I'm on the verge of an episode. I might be. He got up and left and I tried thinking of my old last name. Jones? No. Carlile? No. Ashby? Fuentes? Barakat? No, none of them. I guess I could just say it was Dixon, dad wouldn't mind that. I got up and walked to the cell block. Carl was on guard duty, so I fed Lights and watched her for a while. She was a happy baby. Happier than I probably was at that age. Sure I can remember my childhood. My mom beating me around and my dad sleeping drunk on the couch while she did it. It could've been worse. On the nights mom refused to feed me, my dad would sneak half of his dinner up to me. One night though, mom caught him and swore she's kill me if I didn't throw it up. I ran my hand over the scar she had left on my collarbone when she threatened me with that knife. I haven't had to think about that crap since I first met Carl. I was having nightmares, but he stopped them. I hate having to think about it. Luckily, Carol called everyone in to eat and I was torn from my thoughts for a minute. I absentmindedly went to where Carol had a tray for me. I started eating before everyone got there. Carl came in with Rick from guarding and they sat on either side of me.

"What's wrong, beautiful?" Carl asked. I shook my head. Shoving the last bite of food into my mouth, I went back into the cell with Lights.

"Seriously. Help me out here. Is this about what I said last night?" I heard Carl say behind me. I tried ignoring him but he just repeated himself louder.

"No, Carl. Its not about that. Be quiet. I'm trying to put Lights to sleep." I mumbled. He stepped closer to me as Lights dozed off.

"Jinxx, if you think you might do something you don't want to do, you have to-"

"I'm not going to try jumping off the prison if that's what you're worried about. I'm just trying to remember things." I snapped the first part at him and then said the last part quietly.

"Like? Let me try to help you." he argued. I sat on the bed and put my head between my knees. I told him the same thing I told Daryl. I wanted to marry him but I thought he was drunk and that the apocalypse had somehow fixed itself during that moment.

"I can't remember my last name. It wouldn't bother me as much except I can remember what-"

"What your mom did." he finished for me. I nodded and he pulled me into his lap. I felt tears fall silently from my cheek. Carl kissed my hair and brushed it out of my face. Holding my chin, he kissed my cheek.

"Your last name isn't important. Since the day we found you, it might as well have been Dixon, with the way Daryl warmed up to you. But I do remember it being Six. Does that help?" he said. I pressed my forehead into his chest and nodded.

"I don't know why I didn't know that." I said. "Why didn't I know that?"

"Its okay. No ones said your last name for a long time." He consoled me. I nodded again and got out of his lap.

"I need some time to think. Can you watch Lights?" I asked. He nodded sympathetically and I went upstairs to where we usually didn't go. I sat in the cell we usually put new people in and stayed there for the rest of the day. Carol called us all in for dinner, and I stayed upstairs. I didn't feel like eating. Carl came up after me.

"Hey, any better?" he asked as he sat beside me. I nodded. I was feeling a little better now. "Want dinner?" he asked and I shook my head.

"I'm not hungry. But if Lights needs-"

"Maggie's feeding her." Carl cut me off. Great. I'm dumping my child off to someone else. I just can't handle this right now. I sighed and Carl asked what was wrong.

"I just, I don't want everyone thinking I can't handle my baby so I'm just ignoring her." I said.

"No one thinks that. You're having a hard time right now. We all get it." He explained. I hugged him and he pulled me closer to him.

"This never happens to you guys." I said, frustrated. "I don't know why I just can't forget about my mom." Carl said it was okay and went downstairs to get Lights. He brought her up and handed her to me. She seemed happy to see me, at least. She fell asleep on me after a while and Carl put her in her crib and said he was going to sleep. Maybe I need to sleep away from Carl for a while. I'm going to go in there when Lights needs me and everything, but I think I need to sleep upstairs for a while.