his forgotten mate

CHAPTER 41

A/N: Not Edted.

Chapter 41 – Rainey POV

I was questioning myself, who I knew I wasn't. I wasn't a good mother, not all the time, I knew that, but sometimes, when I really quieted my head I could see the truth. The same truth I had been telling the babies in the basement, it's not our fault. It wasn't my fault.

So sometimes I knew that.

When we learned two babies were out there, I didn't know that anymore. What type of mother doesn't know she has two babies out in the world? I – we were all out of the basement, but now there was a slight hurt, an ache in my chest, when I saw the babies eating and wondered if the other two were being fed regularly?

My mind was in total chaos, comparing, remembering, wondering, he would starve us all, but never physically hurt the babies until they were three or four. What if the babies were with someone worse than him?

Or worse maybe they – they were no longer with us... each thought worse than the previous.

Then Logan went away and one day turned to two, and then a next, slowly I was shutting myself in, preparing for the worse new possible not sure which that was really. On the flip side of it all, I felt different on the outside, lighter on the inside. I had finally told Chris all the horrible decisions I made.

Shaking my head, I fixed the thought, despite how hard it was to think it. The horrible decisions they forced me to think I made... I never had a choice to begin with. I never had a damn choice. Not once.

But with so many around, everyone could see I was 'internalizing what was happening,' taking blame when I shouldn't, that's what Shavon and Juliet said.

What they explained was right, but it helped when they did that. Put how I felt into words, then explaining to me so I knew how to express exactly what I was feeling.

They weren't just doing that with me, they were doing it with the babies. Giving them words. Day by day they were getting more words. I smiled a small smile when I thought of the fact that they were learning positive words, not just words to explain how sad they were, how worried they were because they didn't know if they were all collectively having one nice dream but would wake up soon. Be back in that basement.

"You ready for a girls days?" Grace kind as ever said from the right of me. I wasn't sure I wanted a girls days, I could remember going to malls and having our nails done, and our hairs and stuff when I was little but being around so many didn't seem to have any appeal to me, but I was so sick of being inside that going out for just a bit was welcomed. Plus I had Abby, Lucy, Grace and three of the women from the plane going with us as well. We were doing much though, just going out for a short time, Shavon and Juliet would be coming too, incase I needed them. They were doing so much more than what Chris and I had even thought to add to their contracts when we hired them, offering more than just their expertise and listening ear.

Still I nodded, preparing myself, clutching a small handkerchief of Chris'; it had his scent on there, I liked having it, just to keep calm. He didn't know I had it but he left it on a table.

"Don't worry dearie," she said reading me clearly, a small knowing smile on her face. So I followed, entering the car and trying to remain calm and hoping that I didn't embarrass myself in Logan's pack. I was sort of excited too... I had a small purse... wallet that Logan had given to me, with my own money. He said he's been investing mine so I had plenty, enough to take care of my babies and everything. I didn't have to do anything to get it, it was mines all along and that made me happy.