Chasing Happiness (Criminal Minds: Spencer Reid Fanfic)

Part 5

Alannah is sat across from me. I can't help but look as she tucks her long brown hair behind her ears and lick her lips, making her pink lip gloss shine as she reads the file. My mind wonders, what flavour lip gloss is she wearing? I would give anything for a taste. Her blue eyes with a hint of green move fast as she scans through the words.

I'm not sure what this feeling was. The last time I felt like this was when I was with Maeve, but even that was different, I loved her before I even set eyes on her. It's been so long since Maeve died yet it still feels so wrong to be attracted to someone else. I get flashbacks of seeing her lying dead, the only woman I had ever truly loved in a romantic way, the images wake me up at night and I still shed a tear for her. Not that any if my emotions for Alannah mattered. The Claddagh ring on her ring finger on her right hand, with the heart between the hands pointing towards her wrist told me that she had a boyfriend, and that she wanted to stay connected to her Irish roots. I never realised how sweet the Irish accent was until I heard her speak.

People say that the universe gives them signs that they're meant to be with someone or not, I guess this was one of these so called signs. Not that I believe in signs from the great beyond. Then again, I don't believe in love at first sight either, isn't that just liking the way someone looks? It's easy to confuse love with lust, how do you know you're compatible until you get to know the person? 

I shake my head, trying to get rid of the thoughts; I have to get back to work and find this killer.

***

I read through the pile of files that myself and Reid had sorted through and split between us, reading to see if anything jumped out at me. Although I still can't fully believe one of the people I work with could be capable of this kind of thing. I put the file down, take a deep breath as I close my eyes for a few seconds, my eyes still heavy from the lack of sleep. "You alright?"

The voice startles me, making me jump up to see Reid waiting for my reply. I run my hands through my hair, "Yeah," I say giving a weak smile "It's just been a long few weeks, with all these killings, moving house and I was only told yesterday evening that I would be working with you guys. I wanted to make a good impression, so I worked all night sorting this room out and making up work sheets for my tuition classes to work through while I am away"

"Wow you've been busy." Reid gives me a friendly smile before he looks back to the file in his hand.

"Yeah I just hope it helps towards catching this guy." I say as I look back to the file that I had open in front of me.

"We will do our best." Reid is already half way through his next file.

"I know you will, I just hope I can help, I don't want to hold you guys back." I admit, looking at Reid who is lifting the next file from his pile.

The comment catches Reid's attention as he looks up from the file and looks me in the eye. "Hey, if you're going to be part of this team then you can't say you guys, it's us. This team is like a family. They've been there for me through some of the hardest times in my life, we have to look out for one another and trust each other or we fall apart."

The look in his eyes, I can tell he's been through so much, and his words, they make me want to be part of this team even more than I already did. "I miss having a family, I can't remember the last time I was part of a real family." I can't stop a little tear from escaping my eye as it roll down my cheek. I quickly wipe my cheek, in the hope that he didn't notice it.

"These guys are my family. They were there when I had a drug problem, when my girlfriend was shot in front of me and although it's a dangerous job it's worth it. I've been shot three times, kidnapped, tortured and seen innocent people die in front of me. But every time we put a killer away, it reminds me we've made the world a little bit saver for everyone else."

I look at Reid, slightly shocked at what he had been through. I know he is telling the truth by the look on his face, he looks sincere and a little lonely but the way he talks about his team, they obviously mean the world to him. What I wouldn't give to be a part of something like that.

"Wow you have been through a lot. I would love to be a part of something like that. The last time I was part of a proper family I guess, was before my sister died" I look down at my hands, my left hand clenched around my right as my left thumb rubs at the skin on my right wrist, something I always do when I'm stressed or afraid or when old memories start to flood my mind.

"You've had a lot of family members die," says Reid before he realises what he had said, a sorry look wipes over his face, "I am so sorry, I didn't mean it... I didn't think."

"Its fine," I interrupt him from his babbling apology, "it's been a long time, I've learned to live with losing them all" I look down at my hands as more tears escape my eyes.

Reid gets up and sits beside me, "I'm so sorry."

Spencer's voice is soft and makes me feel safe. He takes my hands in his, the skin on my wrist is red from my thumb rubbing it so much, making me feel a little stupid. Our eyes lock for a moment, the connection between us is undeniable, my stomach is a flutter with nervous energy that I can't quite figure out. "Life goes on." I say, my voice weak as we continue to look into each other's eyes. I'm not sure if it's from fighting back tears or from looking into Spencer's amazing brown eyes. I need to put a stop to this, if I was going to be an agent then there was rules about seeing people in the agency. Plus I have a boyfriend, yes, that's the main point, I am in a committed relationship with someone else. "Besides I have Alan now." I say as I look away, pulling my hands free from his, this was getting a way too close for comfort. There's something about him, I can't quite put my finger on it but he's special. I can't go there, I have Alan and he's helped me through so much, I couldn't cheat on him, I hated cheaters. Plus I don't want to leave Alan, do I?

"Alan?" Reid questions, his tone of voice is different, it almost sounds like he felt he had to ask, not that he wanted to. He gets up and goes back where he was sitting across from me, creating the space that we both so desperately needed.

"My boyfriend, we've been dating for two years now. That's why I was moving, we've just bought a house together." I say watching Reid sink back into his chair. He looks a little disappointed, the look on his face makes my heart ache. This had to be some sort of lust connection, it couldn't be anything more than that when we've only known each other for half an hour. Could it?

"That's nice." says Reid, his voice low as he avoids looking at me.

"Yeah, although we haven't fully been able to settle in, we've both been busy with work" I lift the file I was looking at again, although I keep my eyes on Reid, what was wrong with him? All of a sudden he was quiet and looked sad. Maybe I shouldn't have brought up Alan.

"What does Alan do for work then?" The words leave Reid's mouth although I don't think he really wants to know, he's simply making conversation.

"He works as a police officer." I take my eyes away from Reid and go back to reading the file.

"Both into fighting crime then?" Reid looks at me momentarily as we share a weak smile at his joke.

"Yeah we are." I laugh as I go back to reading the file. "So have you found anything yet?" I try to change the subject away from my personal life.

"Nothing yet. Hotch said the only thing the victims had in common was your psychology class, is that true?" I look at Reid, He doesn't think I did this does he? "Don't worry, I don't think you had anything to do with these killings, I'm just wondering if you've seen any of your students acting out lately?" Reid must have spotted my wondering look as he explains his question.

I think back to my classes but nothing stands out, "No not that I can remember sorry."

"It's alright it was just a possibility." Reid goes back to reading the files but I think back.

"I can't remember anyone acting out, like fighting or anything like that," I say, catching Reid's attention as he looks back up to me, "But I have noticed someone being very reclusive."

"What do you mean by reclusive?"

Reid places his file on the desk and pays closer attention to me. "He keeps to himself and he doesn't interact with anyone apart from one person."

"And who is that?" Reid asks. I take a breath before I answer.

"Me."