Chasing Happiness (Criminal Minds: Spencer Reid Fanfic)

Part 13

I'm in the car with Spencer. Hotch's instructions were for the two of us to go to the last crime scene. Morgan and Kate went to the morgue to see what they could find from the bodies, while the rest of the team go to the police station. The car ride is quiet, the air is still a little tense from Spencer's inquires back at the BAU. I don't know if I should tell anyone about what Alan has done to me. It was the first time he's ever acted like that but since burning my arm a few days ago I get the sense that it wouldn't be the last. I wouldn't normally stand up for shit like that, but Alan has been there for me so many times before. If something was wrong with him it was my duty to help him figure out what was wrong and get him back on track. His words echo in my mind, he said he would kill me and the team if he thought I was anything more than friends with any of then. I want it to be something that he said out of anger, but part of me thinks he is serious. I can't take that risk. I could leave him but what if that triggers him? I was already a trigger to Simon's killings, I couldn't cope if I was was the reason Alan hurt someone else. "You ok?" Reid's words derail my train of thought, making me think about another question.

"I'm fine." I'm not sure if I was telling the truth or lying. I'm not sure about a lot of things at the minute, not the best frame of mind to be doing this sort of work.

"You sure? You seem a little distant."

"I'm sure, it's just been a strange week." I admit, thinking about how much has happened in just a week.

"Have you settled in at home with Alan?" Reid's question surprises me. Although his tone is telling me that he didn't really want to know, was he trying to fish for more details about how I got the cut on my head?

"Err I guess." I say, still unsure what way I should answer these types of questions with Alan's abuse still visible. I'm not sure that's what Reid had in mind when he asked if we had settled in.

"So you and Alan have been dating for two years?"

"Yeah was two years last month" I answer, wondering what this line of inquiry was getting at.

"You must be happy." The comment makes me think. I haven't been happy with Alan in a while, it felt like he didn't want to touch me anymore. Recent events have just backed up my theory but I don't know what to do about any if it.

"Sure," I say, not knowing how to answer. "What about you? Have you got anybody in your life?" I ask, trying to get the focus away from my personal life.

"No, not since Maeve." Reid looks out of the windscreen, a sad look washing across his face.

"You haven't fully gotten over her have you?"

"I don't know if I ever will. She was the first person I actually cared about in a romantic way. We connected in a way that I've never connected with anyone before or since." Spencer's words hit a chord with me. He really loved this girl, I feel a little jealous. I would love to have that with someone. Alan and I never really connected mentally. It was strictly physical with us.

"I'm sure you will find someone else." I say, trying to sound hopeful but knowing I wasn't really helping.

"I don't know about that." His voice sounded as if he had lost all hope in love.

"You will. I gave up on being happy a long time ago, but then I met Alan and got this job. Now I'm..." My voice trails off as I realise that I wasn't truly happy since Alan became violent. Actually, I haven't really been happy for months now

"Now you're what?"

I wonder, what am I? Am I happy? I want to be, I got my dream job, I want nothing more than to be happy but with burns on my wrist, a gash on my head, an almost healed bruise on my neck not to mention the mental impacts the physical abuse has left. "How far is it till this crime scene?" I try to change the subject.

"About half a mile away." I guess he buys my attempt to change the topic as the car falls quiet once again after his answer.

We arrive at the crime scene, yellow tape keeps the public at bay. "Why leave the bodies in such public areas?" I think aloud as Reid examines the cones that are meant to highlight where different pieces of evidence were found.

"He could be putting them on display for others to see. We have to wait to see if Garcia can come up with any connections between the victims."

"Do you think he's a kid or a young adult?" I enquire.

"More than likely. He is experimenting and he wasn't sure about the first killing. You can tell that from the marks he left, they were hesitant, he wasn't sure he wanted to kill but the thrill made him addicted."

Reid rambles on, about the characteristics of this killer. Although I'm not interested in what he's saying, I'm more interested in his voice, it's so soft. His perfect brown eyes glued to the file before turning to the crime scene, they sparkle in the bright sun making the butterflies in my stomach flutter. His hair looks so light, so soft; I just want to run my fingers through his hair as he holds me close to him. I just want to be held by him, look into his eyes as he whispers sweet nothings to me for hours. I want to feel his lips pressed against mine, I want to get lost in a flurry of passion and romance with him, just the two of us alone together for a night, making memories that will last a lifetime.

I shake my head, shaking the thoughts of his body pressed against mine out of my mind. I can't be thinking like this, I have a boyfriend that would kill us both if he knew what was going through my mind right now. Besides, I doubt Reid has the same feelings for me.

***

Her eyes are glued to me, making me feel exposed. Why is she looking at me? Is there a stain on my clothes? Has she just zoned out? I want to ask but I don't want to seem rude, I already upset her once today.

I continue to focus my attention on the crime scene, saying different facts. That's when I'm at my best, sprouting facts, being smart, it's my comfort zone and I like it. I don't do flirting in any form I just get awkward around women I have feelings for. I make a fool of myself and make them feel awkward, or they make fun of my feelings. That's been my life, being made fun of because the geeky kid liked the popular girl. Maeve was the only one that understood that, we were cut from the same sheet.

Alannah was different, she was beautiful, confident, everything I wasn't; she was perfect in every way. Alan matched her, physically fit, his muscles were bigger than Morgan's, His hair slicked back perfectly defining his perfect bone structure. We're total opposites. She would never have any feeling for me, My hair is always messy, I crouch, I'm no body builder. Unlike Alan, he was a machine. Once again, I bury my feelings deep so no one could use them against me.