falling in love with a gang leader

chapter 36 (colby's pov) (⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️)

A/N: ⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️ DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE OVERLY SENSITIVE WITH SUICIDE. if you read this and then complain that "it's wrong to write about," ... don't. i put a warning for a reason. this entire chapter is NOT about suicide in any way, and in no way do i encourage it. there's just a few sentences throughout this chapter that some people may be sensitive too. anyways, continue if you please to. enjoy:)
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colby what the fuck is wrong with you! the only person that ever cared about you walked away! because of you! my subconscious screams and cries. i ignored him and walked downstairs only to see everyone was sitting on the couch. they all glared at me and gave me dirty looks. fuck, my head is pounding.
sam: "cole robert... a word... now." he said angrily and stood up, his nostrils flaring. i rolled my eyes and followed him. he usually only says 'a word' if it was important... i guess it was important. we walked into the training room and sam gave me the angriest look... one i've never seen before. believe it or not, it scared me.
sam: "what the fuck is wrong with you!" he shouted, his face turning red from anger and the veins in his neck popping out.
colby: "what do you mean?" i asked, a look of disgust on my face.
sam: "do you know how bad you hurt emma!" he screamed. it wasn't a question.
colby: "what do i care! she never did!"
yes she did, dumb ass! she was the only one that ever cared about you! my subconscious cries again.
sam: "she cared too much about you, dumb ass! don't ever say that again!" he screamed. holy shit, he is angry.
colby: "she only ever cared about herself! why else would she tell me to stop!" that's not true, colby!
sam: "because she went through the same shit and she doesn't want it to happen to you!" he screamed loudly. wow... i've never seen him this mad.
colby: "why not!" i threw my arms up in the air in distress. what the fuck is going on!
sam: "BECAUSE SHE WAS CLOSE TO DEATH AND SHE CARES WAY TOO DAMN MUCH ABOUT YOU TO HAVE YOU DEAD!" he said, tears now streaming his face. my heart dropped to what felt like the abyss of an ocean and and i turned on my heel and darted upstairs, ignoring all the glares i got from the group. i slammed my door shut before locking it and didn't hesitate to open a brand new bottle of jack. time had quickly passed and i had lost count of how many bottles i downed, but it was quite a few. too many thoughts running through my mind from earlier. it's all fuzzy, but i briefly remember the conversation with emma. the tears streaming her face. i hurt her... badly. you're a fucking idiot, colby! my subconscious proceeds to scream and cry in pain. what have i done? when i opened my eyes and cleared my vision, the sunlight slammed me right in the face. did i fall asleep? no, you passed out like the drunken asshole you are, the voice in my head snapped. i'm really getting tired of him. he's right, i'm a drunk asshole, but he doesn't need to rub it in my face. i groaned when my sore and stiff body finally stood on their own two feet after passing out in the corner of my bedroom. i headed straight for the alcohol bottle and reread the note that jake left for me on my nightstand:
"i'm really sorry, colby. but tara and i have decided to move to a different state and live with family for a long while. please don't contact us and please don't let the council know that we left. this gang shit is getting way too dangerous and i don't want tara in any danger. in other words, act as if we're not in the gang. thanks for all the memories brutha, love you always. you're a real one.
-jake"
jake, too? let's hope he doesn't turn on us like corey and mike. when corey left, he tried to murder me... and emma, the voice in head is now full of wrath. as much as my throat hurts and stings from the room temperature whiskey gliding down my throat, i can't stop. it's the only way i can forget about what all has happened. corey's gone. my best friend, the one who was always there for me, besides sam. and emma! i know sam didn't have a choice, because it was out of self defense, but it was either corey died or sam died... or even me. the gun was at my chest, not sam's or anyone else's. and we needed to keep emma safe, regardless. this is all my fault. i should've never blown up at emma while she was laying in a fucking hospital bed. what kind of person am i for screaming at her for something that she didn't do? she was laying in a fucking hospital bed, sobbing, because of me, and all i did was walk out. i even pushed elton and kevin to the fucking ground because of how pissed i was. what the fuck is wrong with me? this alcohol shit needs to stop. not only did emma and i break up, but sam, elton, kevin, and i'm sure as hell that katrina is probably mad at me too. great. so i've lost the love of my life and my friends. all your fault, colby! you can blame nobody but yourself! i dragged my feet down the stairs while holding a bottle of jack in my hands, chugging some as i stepped down lower and lower, preparing myself to hear everyone's attacking comments. i entered the living room and saw katrina on the phone with someone. whoever it was, they were on speaker. everyone glanced at me, but quickly turned their attention back to katrina. what?
kat: "emma, listen to me. come over and it will be okay."
emma...
emma: "katrina, i can't keep doing this! i don't want to be here! let me do this, please!" she sobbed, choking on her tears.
kat: "emma rede! no! please don't!" she started crying. 'please don't' what?
emma: "katrina! he turned out just like me and it's my fault! it's all my fault! all of it!" she screamed, her cries loud enough to shatter the phone screen she was talking through.
kat: "it was never your fault, emma! it was his own dumbass fault! emma, please, don't do this! we all love you!" she cried.
emma: "someone come stop me then, because i'm not leaving my apartment." she sobbed. what's happening right now? sam quickly darted for his keys and ran, literally ran, out of the door. i looked out through the window and saw him speed off. confusion splat on my face, i walk back over to katrina and the others to see that they were comforting katrina trying to calm her down.
colby: "what the hell is happening?"
they shushed me and glared at me before turning their attention back to her phone who's connection was still to emma's line.
emma: "colby heard everything i said? that's fucking great, now he's going to have another reason to call me selfish." she sobbed. i rolled my eyes at her comment.
kat: "you are not selfish, emma. you hear me?" she said calmly to emma while glaring at me.
emma: "no, maybe he's right. i am selfish for taking my own life, right? because of all the bullshit he put me through in the past twenty four hours? what does that make me, huh?" shut the fuck up and don't you say it, colby!
colby: "a weak ass bitch." i retorted as i brought the bottle of jack to my mouth and chugged some. everyone's mouths dropped and i heard emma sob even harder. you're such a dick! the voice in my head screamed in anger, steam coming from his ears.
emma: "someone better get here fast if they fucking care because-" she stopped, sobbing.
kat: "emma, stop! don't go any deeper!" she screamed, crying loudly. any deeper? is she trying to kill herself?
elton: "colby, leave! now!" he was angrier than he had ever been. holy shit, what have i done? i rolled my eyes and walked out of the bunker. i kept walking and walking until i ended up at a lake. i sat down at the edge of the water and just thought about everything as i chugged the bottle of jack that never left my hand. what was i doing to myself? to emma? to the others? what the hell is wrong with me? i've been drunk, but never drunk and angry. this is not okay. the alcohol, how i'm hurting the only person i'll ever love... i mean, shit, i'm even losing the friends that live with me. my thoughts were interrupted by a loud car zooming down the street. that must be my cue. i stood up clumsily, almost falling into the lake, and stumbled back to the bunker... dragging my feet and forcing my eyes to stay open. i walked inside the bunker after some time passed only to find everyone huddled in a circle in the middle of living room. little murmurs were being spoken, but i couldn't make out any of the actual conversation. i heard a very distinct, quiet cry, and i know that cry from anywhere. colby, keep your mouth shut. everyone sat up and glared at me with a deadly stare once they saw me enter the room. as they moved their heads, i could see sam cradling emma with her head in his chest, sobbing uncontrollably.
elton: "i thought i told you to leave." he balled his fists, clenching his teeth.
colby: "i live here, you can't tell me when to leave."
kevin: "yes, he can. now either go upstairs and don't come back down here... or leave." woah, kevin has never been angry. sam looked at me and i saw that look on his face. i really fucked up. i sighed and walked upstairs. as i was walking, i realized that i left my phone downstairs, so i walked back downstairs and emma's small voice caught my attention.
emma: "did i do this? did i cause all of it?"
sam: "no, you didn't, em. don't think that." he said calmly. don't you fucking say it, colby, i swear to-
colby: "yes she did. fuck you mean, 'she didn't cause it'?" i retorted in disgust. and... you said it. asshole.
everyone shot me a deadly glare and i took another large gulp of whiskey.
kevin: "i'm about to beat you in your shit, colby." he said angrily through clenched teeth.
emma: "just leave him alone. but, colby, if anything were to happen to you, just know that i would be there for you. i love you, okay?" she cried, her sad eyes burning into my own. i swear to god, colby, if
you say what i think you're going to say, i will-
colby: "no, you don't! you should've killed yourself when you had the chance!" i screamed.
COLBY, WHAT THE FUCK! my subconscious screams in agony and pain. her eyes widened and fear and anxiety flooded them, tears spewing out like a broken fire hydrant.
emma: "that's it. since you hid the blades, i'm doing something else. i'm done." she shot up to her feet but everyone grabbed her and held her back before she could take another step.
sam: "you're lucky i don't shoot you in the head right now." he glared at me and shook his head, holding emma close to him as she collapsed to the floor. i crossed the line and i crossed it hard. unexpectedly, elton jumped to his feet in a hurry, punching me square in the face. he kicked my stomach with the tip of his boot once i fell to the floor and then walked back over to emma, leaving me aching in the middle of the living room. fuck, that hurt. you deserve it, colby! you selfish ass bitch! i stumbled to my feet and ran upstairs into my room, holding my stomach in pain and wincing at the pain i felt in my nose. i slammed my door shut and just started crying. i need to do something about this... addiction. i took a deep, shaky breath and threw the alcohol bottle across the room after screwing the lid on top of it.
colby: "FUCK!" i screamed loudly, angry at myself and angry at the alcohol. my head is fuzzy, my visions blurry, my head is pounding, my nose and stomach hurts from elton... my memory is completely and utterly fucked at this very moment. my mind is already going blank. what have i done and what do i do!
colby: "AHH!" i screamed loudly, once again, "FUCK!" i drawled out, sobbing.