falling in love with a gang leader

chapter 69

my face went pale and my body turned numb, my eyes stricken with more tears that threaten to fall. all the memories came rushing back, all the best nights and the worst nights popped into my mind, making me feel even worse about who i had lost. everything from the moment i met him to the moment i left him came rushing into my mind. our first kiss, our first fight, our first love-making, our first date, our first deep conversation about our future and our beliefs, our first time being embarrassed by all of our friends from us having intimacy... all the way up to the very last hug we had before i turned my back on him. before i told him i couldn't be with him without a good reason for leaving him. our very last kiss, our very last hug, our very last "i love you"... it all hit me hard like a mac truck and it hurt like hell.
emma: "colby..." i whispered in disbelief, my breath being taken away from me as i spoke his name. his beautiful blues gaze into my own, the entire world stopping and it only being just us two. time stopped ticking, the clock stopped singing, the birds stopped chirping, the people stopped walking, the dogs stopped barking, the rats in the dumpster behind me stopped squeaking... it was only us two. i was too distracted by the fact that this was really him to observe how fucking hot he is, but he did look really good. he even grew a facial hair above his top lip and on his chin and let me tell you, that shit was hot. emma, say something or he'll run! knowing that my subconscious is absolutely right for once, i took a deep breath and stepped forward slightly, preparing myself for the sorry excuse of an apology that's about to come out of my mouth. here goes... everything.
emma: "i know this won't help, but i am so
sincerely—" i said quietly, my voice breaking in and out before being cut off by a squeaky female voice. looking over colby's shoulder, i see emily racing up towards him in her heels and short skirt. ah, fuck me.
emily: "oh, there you are. i wondered where you went. is everything okay?" she asked once she approached him, glancing between him and i. i glanced down at emily's hand as she gripped his hand with hers, colby's hand going limp. how is someone that confident to wear a skirt that shows half of the female anatomy? i look back up at him, my heart dropping in anxiousness when colby wouldn't look anywhere else but at me.
emma: "everything's fine, just old friends catching up." i forced a smile and wiped my eyes, watching her eyes light up in realization. i wasn't going to say anything, but colby wasn't responding to her and i didn't want to make the situation any weirder than what it already was. emma, stop crying, babe. be strong.
emily: "wait! you're the girl that was outside the club that one night a month and a half ago, aren't you? yeah, i remember you!" she squealed in excitement. why does she sound so happy?
emma: "yeah, that's me," i said awkwardly, "anyways, have a nice day. sorry i rained on your parade." i faked a smile as i look between them, catching colby's sad sad eyes as i walk away. why am i apologizing when he was the one that found me? i walked away hurriedly, wanting desperately out of that situation because of how awkward and uncomfortable it was. it was really him. the only man i will ever love. screw brennen, he's not who i want to be with. i was only wanting the hole in my heart that missed colby to be filled and fixed... but it didn't work. it was always colby and always will be and it will never be anyone else. i can't believe i even thought for the shortest second that brennen could've changed that. could i possibly get any dumber?
colby: "emma, wait." he called after me. i turn around, only to find him standing directly in front of me, his face etched with every possible emotion to ever exist. he looked sad, angry, happy, shocked, in disbelief... all at the same damn time. say my name again...
emma: "yeah?" i asked sadly, practically whispering. colby: "why did you leave me?" he asked after a beat, his voice breaking in and out, "we would've figured it out. we always do." he continued, my heart shattering on the spot. aw, bubba...
emma: "we can talk about that another time, but i made a huge mistake and i would do anything in the world take it all back. hopefully we can talk at some point when you're free." i watched his expression drop, his face fallen in despair. i feel my heart twist at my own words, practically walking away from him all over again.
colby: "i'm free now, emma, please... don't walk away from me again." he begged, his voice raspy. tears dwell up in my eyes, my heart in utter pieces.
emma: "you think i want to walk away from you again? colby, i would do anything to even hold your hand right now. words can't explain how badly i want to fix things and how wrong i was and how stupid i was to think that i could handle this myself! even to hold your hand, it's going to take more than an apology! and i don't know how to apologize, colby! i don't know how to make this better! because i can't! i left because he threatened to kill you! i couldn't let you die when i had no idea what he was capable of doing!" i cried, not knowing how else to contain myself. it wasn't exactly my intention to blow up on him like that, but it just kind of happened. fuck, my chest hurts.
colby: "we would've figured it out, we always do." he spoke sharply, on the verge of tears.
emma: "but what if we wouldn't have been able to? you wouldn't be standing here in front of me talking to me and i wouldn't be right here, either! i would be at your grave begging and pleading to god to bring you back! sure, you probably would've found a way out of it, but i couldn't take that chance! it's bad enough i already caused enough problems between everything with corey and mike, i didn't want your death to be my fault, too!" i was full on sobbing by now, just wanting a fat ass hug and some chocolate. all i ask is for peace of my emotions. that's all. can't the universe at least give me that?
colby: "don't blame yourself for what happened to them, emma! they had it coming for them! mike raped you and corey shot you! that was not your fault!" he cried, taking one step closer to me.
emily: "colby, the concert... it starts in ten minutes." she whines out of absolutely nowhere, coming up next to colby and gripping his arm. seriously?
colby: "fuck the concert, go home!" he shouted at her, shaking her arm away from his own aggressively. oh, wow. she jumped back in shock, a disgusting attitude visible on her face as she struts away. i glance back at her and when i look back at colby, he's staring me right in the eye... his eyes full of sadness.
emma: "i don't know what to say, colby. i really don't know what you want me to say to you right now." i cried, lowering my voice.
colby: "just tell me the truth. do you truly love him?" he eyes me warily, tears spilling from his eyes. did you really have to ask me that? i stood there in complete and utter shock, unable to form actual words. he caught me off guard by snickering and shaking his head as he walked away from me, his back facing me.
emma: "colby, wait!" i gripped his wrist unexpectedly, watching him turn around to face me. his face was fallen in despair, while he also looked very annoyed and pissed off. let me explain...
emma: "i did, but i will always love you more. the only reason i convinced myself that i did was because i missed you! you were the empty hole that needed filling and it wasn't good enough!" i sobbed, progressively getting louder and louder.
colby: "then why did you sleep with him?" he cried, shouting.
emma: "because i was desperate, okay? and if it makes you feel any better—"
colby: "what could possibly make me feel better about you sleeping with another man, emma?" he cut me short, crying loudly.
emma: "i'm trying to explain, would you stop? besides, what does it matter? you slept with emily, i can't sleep with brennen?" i sobbed loudly, watching his face fall further in despair. when he didn't respond to me, i took it as my chance to try and fix this... hoping he wouldn't cut me off again.
emma: "i imagined it was you, colby! that it was you kissing me, that it was you touching me, that it was you telling me you love me! i imagined it was you! every single time!" i sobbed, shocked at my own response. his eyes widened in shock, glancing down at my hand that had just released his wrist, "my mind was foggy and i was practically blind during the months i was there and i wanted something to look forward to everyday. needless to say, it didn't last very long." i continued, lowering my voice once again. please believe me.
colby: "i don't know what to say..." he cried, letting his words hang in the air. his face is pale and he looks at complete loss for words.
emma: "you don't have to say anything. i just want you to understand that you are the only man i will ever love." i said sincerely, thinking i had finally broke through to him when i was definitely wrong.
colby: "then why did you say you loved him!" he shouted after a beat, stepping closer as i took a step back, inching closer and closer to the concrete wall behind me. let it out, emma. no more sugar-coating.
emma: "because you moved on and i wanted you to think that i did, too! that i wasn't stuck sulking in a corner over you when you were screwing some whore! kissing her lips, kissing her neck, calling her baby, looking in her eyes when that was my place and i fucked it up! i was stuck on you the entire time, what do you not understand about that!" i sobbed, taken aback when his lips crashed hard against my own as my back hit the wall behind me... colby's front flush against mine with his hands on either side of my head, holding mine in his as they're pressed up against the wall. he kisses me hungrily, his tongue and his mouth attacking mine like a crime has been committed. when his hands move to the sides of my neck, i melt against him, using my own two hands to grip his black t-shirt out of spite. this is right. his hands on my neck, not brennen's. his lips on mine, not brennen's. his tears colliding with mine, not brennen's. colby is my home and i can't believe that i thought otherwise. the two of us breathing heavily out of control, he tears his lips away from mine and rests his forehead on mine, not moving his hands from my face.
colby: "i've been stuck on you, emma. not emily. i could care less about her. it's always been you, please know that. you're the only one i want to kiss, the only one i want to touch, the only one i want to call baby and the only eyes i want to look into are yours. i see my future in your eyes, not hers. emma, it's always been you. and don't even think for a second that you're leaving again for "my own good" because you can't. i won't let you." he whispered harshly, effectively getting his point across. i flicked my eyes up only to see colby less than an inch away from my face, still holding my neck.
colby: "it will always be your place at my side. not hers. i want you to hold my hand, you to kiss me, you to make me laugh, you to wear my clothes, you to cuddle up next to me when it's cold outside. you're the one i want my kids to look up too and call mom, emma, not her. it's always going to be you." i felt my heart swell with every intense emotion in the world. he wants kids... with me. he wants me at his side. he wants me to hold his hand. he only wants to look into my eyes. not emily's. not anyone's. mine. even after the way i treated him.
emma: "i'm so sorry." a strangled cry leaped out of my throat unexpectedly, feeling like i was just punched in the gut.