falling in love with a gang leader

chapter 68

cracking my groggy eyes open, i see that the lamp next to me is on and i just assumed that i had forgotten to turn it off when i fell asleep, so i chose to ignore it. when i grab my phone, i looked around the room sneakily, forgetting that i am no longer at brennen's and can freely use my phone now. jesus, emma, you're a little too paranoid. i roll my eyes at my subconscious being a dick and open my phone, seeing as i have missed calls from sam and a text message from katrina that says: "text me when you can, it's important. don't get caught, though. it's not important enough that brennen may kill you for responding. love you, hope you're safe and okay. xoxo, k." i smiled down at my phone, wanting to respond, but notice that she sent that text message two months ago. wait, two months ago was when i ran into colby... is what she was referring to have to do with that? did she tell him everything? that was during the time i was staying at brennen's... it could've been anything, really. could've been her just checking in, or giving me a run down on what colby may have said after he walked off... literally it could've been anything. a ring from sam interrupted my thoughts, my thumb swiping the answer button on his name that's shining through the screen.
emma: "good morning." i yawned, scrubbing my face.
sam: "morning," he paused, sounding like a happy, go-lucky soccer dad, "i'm coming to see you as we speak, so, do you need clothes? i stayed at your apartment with katrina last night, so i'm already here. i can grab you an outfit if you need it."
emma: "actually, yeah. just throw my Nike Pro's and a random black hoodie in a bag. thank you." i stood up and stretched lazily. he acknowledged my request and hung up, saying that he was on his way. i took the time to open the curtains and look outside, seeing nothing but a parking lot full of broke down, ghetto cars. my mind raced back to yesterday, making me want to get on my knees and pray to tell my parents that i'm sorry that this happened to them and i love them, but they wouldn't want to hear from me. while i hate to admit it, they strongly dislike me and i'm okay with that. if i dwell too much on it, i'm just going to spiral and make myself feel worse than what i already do and that's the last thing i need. a knock sounding at the door drug me out of my reverie, making me jump out of surprise. is he here already?
emma: "hey, come in." i smiled, letting sam in.
sam: "i brought your clothes and brought you some perfume, didn't know which one you liked, so i just grabbed one." he chuckled, throwing the bag on the bed.
emma: "thank you, i really appreciate it." i sat down on the bed next to him, sighing as my stomach rumbles and roars in hunger. i seriously need to eat. sam: "have you eaten?" he asked suddenly, looking at me in shock.
i chuckled, "wait, was my stomach that loud?"
sam: "yeah, it was." he laughed.
emma: "to answer your question, no. i didn't eat yesterday, just a half a cup of coffee and that's it." i replied after a beat, holding my stomach as it gurgles once more.
sam: "i was planning on bringing you to lunch with everyone and i, thought i should ask first, though," he laughed, "so, would you like to come?" i looked up at him, denial as my chosen expression.
emma: "i don't know, sam..."
sam: "they miss you like you wouldn't believe, emma. please?" he asked, searching my expression. after a moment, i nodded my head and agreed, heading off into the bathroom to clean myself up and get dressed after another short conversation with sam. i fluff through my hair and splash my face with water before heading out of the bathroom and to my bag. while sam blabs about who knows what, i throw my dirty clothes in one of my bags and spray the perfume that sam threw into the mix. ooh, vanilla... my favorite.
sam: "are you ready?" he asked, his hand on the doorknob, "you got your charger, your phone, and your laptop, right? along with your clothes?" he continued, glancing around the room as i did.
emma: "yeah, that's everything. let's do this." i sighed, feeling my stomach do flips and turns as if it got stuck in a tornado. why am i nervous? these are my friends. emma, relax. you're fine.

leaving my bags in sam's car, i walk next to him and into the restaurant he chose, seeing katrina's car parked a few cars behind sam's.
sam: "emma, don't worry. they love you just as much as they did before this all happened. it's all going to be fine, okay? and colby isn't meeting us, so you don't have to worry about that." he said calmly, turning to me as we stand on the sidewalk. well, what if i want to see colby? i nodded and smiled, feeing no relief whatsoever from is comment but acting like i did. we walk into the restaurant, all the old people watching as sam and i walk through the aisles, and almost immediately spot our friends. sam races over there while i lolly gag and take my sweet ass time, really wanting to just be isolated from everyone. sam turns to my direction as he stands at the table, wiggling his fingers in a "come on" motion with the goofiest smile on his face. dork. i rolled my eyes at him and felt my heart beat a little faster than before as i approached them. and here i was. it only took three more steps and i was standing in front of kevin, elton, and katrina as they all stare up at me in awe. katrina just about had a seizure as she struggled to get out of her seat as if she couldn't get out fast enough. and once she finally did stand up, she wrapped her arms around my neck tightly and so suddenly, causing me to stumble on my own two feet.
katrina: "it's really you." she said quietly, shocked and on the verge of tears.
emma: "it's really me." i smiled, hugging her tightly in response. she pulled away from me and gazed at me, a tear falling from her eye.
emma: "no, no. don't cry, babe, that mascara is expensive." i pouted, feeling myself want to cry with her.
katrina: "i missed you so much." she cried, holding my hands in hers.
emma: "i think i missed you more." i smiled, laughing slightly when she did.
elton: "it's good to finally see you, em. i'm glad you're safe and okay." he moved in front of me and hugged me. i laughed when he pushed katrina away and hugged him tightly, letting him squeeze the life out of me, really feeling how much he missed me.
emma: "elton, can't breathe." i tapped him, my voice raspy. he released me and laughed, a shy look on his face.
kevin: "damnit, i missed you, man." he spoke quietly, hugging me as well. i hugged him tightly, watching as all the old people and their mothers were now starting to stare. he had finally released me and i sat down next to katrina... elton, kevin, and sam on the opposite side of the booth.
elton: "so, fill us in. how was it and what happened?" he asked, curiosity in his voice.
katrina: "i need to get something out first," she paused, making me look at her, "why in the fuck would you tell colby that you love brennen?"
oh, fuck me. here we go. she couldn't have asked a different question? i glanced around at the table, watching as all of their googling eyes were on me.
emma: "i don't know, katrina. honestly. and after what i found out, make it past tense. consider me the definition of an idiot and call me whatever name you please to. i deserve it." i said sadly, picking at the menu that's practically falling apart.
elton: "you're not an idiot, emma. you made a mistake just like everyone makes mistakes. it happens to the best of us."
emma: "this is worse than a mistake, elton. i pushed colby away. to me, that's worse than my parents dying and that's happened, too. i can't believe that my mind was that clouded and fucked up that i could even make that kind of mistake. and it's because of me that he's happy with someone else. he's living the life he should with someone who he can count on to not leave for almost a year. so, no, this isn't just any mistake. this is one of the worst ones that i've made." i said sternly, my head face down in my hands.
kevin: "just out of curiosity, what do you feel that you could've done differently?" he asked questioningly.
emma: "i should've just told him from the start. told colby that this was happening. told all of you. you all would've found a way out of it. and now, it's all done. it's done, it's over, i've lost him and there's no getting him back. just like i told sam when mike harassed me that one time in my own kitchen a while back," i paused, "i should've never stepped foot in that bunker. and like katrina said when she yelled at me when i was limp in a hospital bed, i fuck everything up and i'm not careful of what i'm doing. she was right, but i didn't see that until now," i stopped once again, standing to my feet, "eat without me. i'm going for a walk. and please, no one follow me. just call me if you need me." i said quietly, walking out of the restaurant before anyone could say anything. thoughts zooming though my mind, i came across the familiar alley way that i sat in last night, walking down to the very end of the alley by the large concrete wall full of graffiti. i sit in front of it, my front facing towards the wall as i gaze at all of the graffiti. beautiful artwork, really. it's a shame that everyone assumes that individuals with this kind of style think that they're hoodlums or druggies. i used to be a druggie and all i did was sit around and drink and smoke different substances. that's how i learned to fuck things up without trying. just like i did when i walked out through that door the day that brennen texted me. threatening to kill colby... of course i would've gone with brennen to save colby. that's why he gave me the option, too. he wanted me to come to him. and he knew that if he threw colby in the mix, i wouldn't take him dying for an answer. i look down at the ground, groaning loudly at how fucked up this is. at how fucked up i am. i want colby. i miss him. i miss his hugs, his smile, his touch, his advice, his laugh, his everything. the look in his eye when i walked into a room, the way his eyes sparkled when he would kiss me under the stars, the way his hands molded with mine. my time with brennen could never compare to my time spent with colby. brennen doesn't get me like colby does and i can't believe i actually had feelings for him. sad, really. sad that i let myself feel and become so lonely and desperate for attention, that i let brennen out of all people serve me with the affection i wished for. no matter how many times i tell myself that i have zero feelings for brennen from this point on, it won't change anything. it won't change anything between colby and i, so what's the point? he's moved on and is clearly over me, so why would i even try? dragging me out of my thoughts, footsteps against the rocky cement of the alley sounded in my ears. bet you ten dollars it's sam.
emma: "i said not to follow me. you don't have to corner me and scold me to let me know that i fucked up, because i already know i did. now, leave me alone. please." i said quietly, feeling my voice shake from the tears that shed slowly. i threw a piece of grass at the wall in front of me and stood to my feet, almost falling over and busting my ass when i turn around in complete and utter shock at who was standing in front of me.