Tattooed Soul (UNEDITED)

Finale

"Are you sure you're not coming?"

Today is my cousin and my ex-boyfriend's wedding. Siguro sa ibang tao nakakatawa kami pero ano bang pake ko sa opinyon ng ibang tao? Masaya na ako ngayon. Hindi ko naman kailangan ang validation nila. Sesweldo ba ako sa mga opinyon nila?

"Ma, ilang beses mo na 'yang tinanong at iisa lang din naman ang sagot ko. Hindi. No. I won't come," buntong-hininga ko sa telepono.

Nasa Manila na kasi si Mama dahil aattend siya ng kasal. Bago siya pumunta ay ilang beses niya akong tinanong kung sasama ako. Noong nandoon na siya ay tinatanong pa din ako at kahit nga ngayong last minute na ng kasal ay nagtatanong pa din siya.

Pinipilit ako ng mga tao na umattend sa kasal nila. Required ba? As far as I know, hindi naman required so bakit hindi sila makuntento sa sagot ko?

"Okay fine. Mag-isa ka lang dyan sa bahay at kung pupunta man si Luther, mag-helmet siya."

Pinamulahan agad ako ng mukha sa sinabi ni Mama.

"Ma!" I raised my voice making it sound a bit pissed.

"Okay okay. Jusy kidding."

Mama chuckled that made me scratch my head. Tumatanda yata talagang paurong si Mama.

"You're 24 now but I know you still want a good life. Ipon muna bago ibaon, okay?"

"Ma naman!"

This time, I'm really serious. Saan niya ba nakukuha yang mga sinasabi niya?

"Sige na, magsisimula na."

"Send my regards to the both of them," I said and ended the call.

Naka-move on na din si Mama sa nangyari. Noon ay galit na galit siya kay Aki pero after ilang years ay napatawad na rin naman niya. According to her, there's no point in holding grudges. Tama naman.

4 years later.

Life.

Ano nga ba ang tunay na depinisyon ng buhay?

May kanya-kanya naman tayong opinyon at pananaw sa kung ano nga ba ang kahulugan ng buhay. Hindi naman kasi tayo pare-pareho ng pinagdadaanan. Mayroon tayong sariling karanasan at pinagdaanan.

Don't feel insecure when all the plants around you is already flaunting their flowers while yours doesn't have even a sign of transformation. Just keep in mind that maybe you're a special kind of flower that blooms, when everyone around have already withered and dried. You'll bloom when it's finally your turn. Timing, was never wrong.

Ang mga experiences na iyon ay masasabi kong blessing sa akin. Kasi kung hindi dahil sa mga iyon, hindi mabubuo ang isang matatag na Xeres Nathalia sa ngayon.

Sakit. Hindi mawawala iyan. Gustuhin man natin o hindi, mararanasan natin iyan. Ang sakit ang magpapatatag sa atin. Tuwing mababasag tayo ay kailangang pagtiyagaan nating pulutin ang piraso ng sarili natin. Kasi wala namang ibang makakagawa noon. Tanging ang sarili lamang natin ang makakabuo sa atin.

Kapag nagmamahal tayo ay katumbas palagi nito ang sakit. Ngunit hindi dahil nasaktan tayo ay dapat na nating talikuran ang pag-ibig. Hindi. Huwag tayong mapapagod magmahal.

I admit that love is worth trying. Love can also be a poison. Kaya nitong pumatay. Kaya nitong sumira. Love is powerful. Kaya nitong sirain at buuin ang buhay ng isang tao. Nasa atin naman iyon kung ano ang kalalabasan ng buhay natin.

Kapag pinili nating magpakasira ay talagang masisira tayo. Kapag pinili nating labanan ang pagkasira, doon tayo mabubuo. Nasa atin ang kapalaran natin. Hindi ito hawak ng iba.

Natuto rin akong magtiwala. Kahit hindi ko na alam kung saan ako kakapit, kahit minsan ko nang natagpuan ang sarili ko sa kadiliman. Minsan ko nang inakalang hindi ako makakaahon pero dahil nagtiwala ako ay heto ako ngayon, masayang sinasalubong ang liwanag.

Wear your scars like tattoos and showcase your flaws like the moon does. Do not be afraid to let people see the ugliest nook and cranny of your existence. Stop putting flowers on your broken parts just so someone could find something beautiful in you. There's no need to hide your flaws, because if someone really love you, your imperfections will never matter. And enough decorating yourself just so someone could notice you, the darkness doesn't need light so someone could appreciate its beauty. What you need is someone whose blessed with eyes that could see the beauty within your broken and ugly painted shell. It could be someone else, but it could be you, also.

I smiled as I roamed my eyes around all the people gathered here. Kanina ko pa hawak itong mic at kanina pa yata ako nagda-drama. Napatingin naman ako sa katabi ko.

This is my man. This is my Luther.

"Noong nalaman kong Engineer ka, I know you are the one," I said.

Nagtawanan naman ang nasa reception at hindi rin nakatakas sa akin ang pagsimangot ni Luther.

Seeing him right beside me is a different kind of joy. This is what I've dreamt of. I wished for a person that will love me whole-heartedly. I wished for someone that is willing to give genuine love and attention.

Nabulag man ako sa maling tao dati, namulat naman ako ngayon sa katotohanang hindi dapat minamadali ang isang bagay.

"Are you ready?" Luther asked as I started getting ready to throw the bouquet.

Tumalikod ako at masayang bumaling sa kanya.

"Yes!" I shouted as I threw the bouquet of flowers.

Napatakip ako sa bibig ko nang si Reyanne ang nakasalo ng bulaklak. They gathered teases from the people in the church.

"Kylo, may ipon ka na ba?" Luther joked.

Napakamot lang sa kanyang ulo si Kylo habang pulang-pula naman ang mukha ni Reyanne.

And it's not just about being incomplete. It's not about being an unsolved puzzle trying to find its missing piece. It's not about dreaming and envisioning of a genuine love but failed to have one. It's not about THEM, but it's all about you being a person- a person who knows that she has a worth to be valued. A person worth to be recognized.

Who cares if you don't have your perfect ideal view of love? Mind you little warrior, there's no such thing as perfect.

What matters is that you were given the opportunity to love, to see and experience the reality of life, to be able to behold the colorful but harsh world and to make a positive impact to others. You may not be as lucky as the other people out there who grew up having the best in life but it's fine. I know you're lucky in other things.

Let me tell you this, life isn't about trying hard to be acknowledged and how much you proved yourself. It's about how much you accepted your fate to be in this path. It's about how much you learned and how much spark you've used in you by doing the things they believed you cannot do.

Someday, God will lead you to where you don't have to question yourself and your self-worth.

It takes self-love and maturity to stop begging for someone to stay. You should not only settle for being a temporary pleasure giver. We deserve to be considered home.

It takes great courage and understanding to stop wanting things which are not given to you in the perfect time. Let us not bear grudge, instead be thankful.

But for now, be proud of yourself for having that courage. And "I'm proud of you," just in case no one have said it to you today.

I, Xeres Nathalia Sandoval- Carriedo, is now signing off with an art tattooed in my soul -- the art of life.