Intoxicated - Lil peep

Broken smile (Part 18)

I quickly stood up and placed my hand over my mouth, turning away from her; a deep feeling began to envelope me, clouding my mind.

I haven't felt this feeling in a while.

Guilt.

How could I forgot about my best friend?

I gasped for air as my throat began to tighten and tears welled up in my eyes. I practically stumbled across the room and placed my hand against the wall, looking for something to hold onto. But soon enough I was on the ground.

Lux began to speak but her voice soon morphed into static. Nothingness.
I watched as she attempted to walk towards me. She crouched down and placed her hands over mine, squeezing them tightly.

"Dem? Demi?" She spoke up, gazing into my eyes sorrowfully.

I couldn't seem to focus on her words.

She paused for a moment and swiftly stood up before going to grab her phone and leaving the room. I watched as she walked away.

Then it hit me. This was my fault.
I wish I could say I was able to deal with my emotions well... but I can't.
I don't like to feel.

I pulled my hands furiously through my hair, before returning my hands to cover my eyes.

I can't help but think - if I would've just acknowledged my pain from the start, I wouldn't have accidentally pushed Alex out of my mind too.

Now she's dead.

A short sob escaped my mouth before a minutes silence was set in the air.
My body stilled for a moment. Only a short moment, everything seemed staggered, as if delayed.

I felt like I couldn't breathe.

An overwhelming feeling of panic abruptly came upon me, and for some reason, I could not sit here anymore. I couldn't bare to stay still. My body shook as I attempted to stand up. I placed a hand on the wall in search of something stable, looking for something to support me.

When I got to my feet, everything seemed to overwhelm me. The sounds of the city outside were no longer sounds of comfort, they morphed into nothing but short pulses of irritation - something about the noise unsettled me. The light streaming in through panes of the window reflected their glimmering pattern across the floor. It was beautiful - but I did not want to see it. It felt as if the warmth of the rays scratched at my skin. My eyes winced at the light.

I paced across the room into the en suite, slamming the door shut behind me. I immediately moved towards the sink, placing both of my hands either on side of the basin.

I'm safe. I'm safe in here. Nobody can reach me here. My mind struggled at calming itself; repeating the words I wanted to hear, repeating them until they were all that could be focused on. My incessant need for reassurance fought with my need to breathe.

My head was facing down, I felt my hair fall against the side of my cheeks. I was still trying to get a hold of my breathing, my hands tensed around the edge of the sink in agitation.

Sight was just a blur and sound was just noise. I just stared ahead of me, hoping to somehow figure out how to breathe again. Until my eyes caught a glimpse of something, something familiar.

An orange pill bottle sat on the shelf above the sink, a white printed label stretching across it. My hand instinctively reached out for it, almost immediately popping open the lid and placing a pill in my hand. They were pressed pills - as white as snow. They could almost pass off as candy -an unknowing eye wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

My mind was blank. Empty. I focused solely on my body.

And so without a thought, I had placed the pill in my mouth.

~~~~~

I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, clasping the pill bottle tightly in my hands still, desperately hoping for something to kick in, something to calm me down, something to allow my airways the ability to breathe freely again. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted. There was a noise - no - a voice. My mind remained unfocused however - but this voice I knew.

A familiar sense of comfort slowly began to envelope me as the sound approached me. Soon enough, the door to the bathroom swung open and I looked up slowly, only to be met by the sweet brown eyes of Gustav. His face softened in an instant and he stared for a moment before striding towards me. He pulled me up gently, wrapping his arms around me tightly. My body held itself rigid before inevitably dissolving into his embrace.

My head rested against his chest as he began to stroke my hair softly. I heard his relief as he let out a sigh. His hands reached for my face and he cupped it with both hands, a pained look seemed to spread across his face, adding a sorrowful twist to his features. He stared into my eyes.

"I'm sorry." he spoke before bringing me back into his arms.

That was all that he had to say; all that it took for me to grasp the edge of his long sleeve shirt and bury my face deeper into his chest before letting out a sob.

"I - I-" I began.

"Alex I- I forgot - She- she-" I trembled in his arms, trying incredibly hard to allow my words to form a coherent sentence.

"I know baby. I know" He replied, still stroking my hair.

We stayed like this for a while - Gus held me in his arms for an incomprehensible amount of time. He listened to me, reassuring me that all would be okay, and when I would speak and a sob would escape my throat, he only held me tighter. He promised me it would all be okay.

And for a while, I believed him.