It's okay.

I'm clueless.

It's been no more than a week and I get text messages explaining that he's sorry and that he wants to make it up to me. "Im in the alley way.." he tells me. I walk out to see him with a huge bouquet of flowers and a big box of chocolates. I couldn't keep it in so I broke. I told him how that moment was hard for me and he was so sorry. He would tell me how he just feels these voices in his head that tells him these bad things. Like for an example when things are fine and we're just having a good time together he says on the inside he fights these voices that just always tell him that I'm lying about something or I'm only with him because I want a relationship but with a careless need to be faithful. I tried to tell him that i'll try my best to assure him that that voice inside his head is just complete bullshit. This relationship went on in this constant loop. Things were ok, nights were fun. We'd spend everyday with each other and then he would suspect something. I did try to always assure him I'm there for him and sometimes my talking would anger him more. Things still became physical and I even stopped defending myself so he would get the point that I don't want to fight with him and that I only do it to defend myself. I had sat there once in full break down crying on his sofa with no fight in my body as he told me, "Alright then, YOU WANT TO BE A BITCH?.", then proceeded to spit on my face. "Come on, do something!" he shouted and even grabbed his vacuum and ran it by my face to get me to break. I would feel powerless and all to try and save this relationship I was losing myself. I don't even remember who he was anymore. Another time when things got worst I tried to leave and he grabbed on my legs crying and kissing my feet. I couldn't understand what he wanted. I would think about staying. I was saving the relationship, I kept telling myself. When I figured out that he kissed Anna that one night, he thought he was giving something to me to show that he wants my trust. He was telling me everything to win my heart when at the same time he was killing it more. I then would leave and he'd beg for me not to and the idea of begging too would later infuriate him when I chose to stay.