Egocentric [Book I]

Lie

Banging his head against the steering wheel repeatedly, Xiumin closed his eyes and tried to dig deep into his clouded state of mind that morning. He was angry and ill at ease and confused and guilty, all at the same time.

He drove to school with his forehead creased, hands gripping tight until his knuckles turned pale. It was as if he was going to be sick all day, but he didn’t want to turn around and stay at his apartment to sulk alone. He needed his friends and their comfort, their company, their advice no matter how crappy it would be.

Perhaps he was about to go nuts, the only logical explanation for what was happening to him.

He parked the car at the usual spot and let out a heavy sigh before going out and locking it. When he turned around on his way to the gates, Minah was standing frozen in front of him, unreadable while playing with her fingers.

Xiumin forgot that he waited by his car everyday for her. How could he forget the most important thing he did every morning?

“Hey.” Minah started, looking at him dead in the eyes as if she was searching for something. She didn’t have that natural glow on her face she had whenever they see each other, and that’s when Xiumin realized that something was wrong. He wanted to ask if she had slept well or if she ate breakfast, but something prevented him from doing it.

“Were you waiting for me?” Xiumin asked. His throat felt like it was burning, not because of him being quiet for a long time, but because words were hard to let out.

“I didn’t wait that long.” Minah small smiled. “Don’t worry.”

Xiumin nodded and stepped forward, contemplating whether or not he should reach for her hand like he always did and walk with her to their homeroom. Her face was getting gloomier and gloomier with every second that passed... every single one where he didn’t do anything that will tell her everything’s going to be okay.

“Xiumin.” Minah’s voice cracked and she lifted her hand up to touch his face, lips trembling and heart pounding before she spoke again. “You’d tell me if something’s wrong, right?”

He placed his hand over hers that was still on his cheek and removed it so he could hold it instead, rubbing his thumb gently against her skin before flashing a short, forced smile. “Of course I would.”

She nodded and raised her arms to pull him in for a warm embrace, to which he responded by placing his hands on her hips. She tightened her hug and tiptoed to level with Xiumin’s height. He knew that she wanted him to wrap his arms around her waist and rub her back, bury his head to the crook of her neck and if possible, never let her go.

To Xiumin’s own disappointment, he couldn’t do it even if he wanted to.

“I missed you.” Minah whispered. “Did you miss me?”

“I did.” Xiumin nodded. He reached up to grab her arms so he could push her away from him, but Minah didn’t budge. “Minah... please...”

It was as if everything had shifted and he didn’t want her close for the meantime, when he couldn’t stand being away from her those past few days. He craved her presence, her true smiles, the feel of her hand, but now all he wanted was to get away from her. Xiumin didn’t ask for much... just that week would probably do.

Maybe confusion was the main thing that was consuming him and it wasn’t good for both him and her. He couldn’t believe the disappointment he had for himself; one damn kiss with Yumi and it already threatened the relationship he had with Minah.

She pulled away from him and the look on her face broke Xiumin into a million pieces: skin paler than usual, eyes showing pure hurt, lips trembling with words she wanted to utter but didn’t have the power to do so.