Unbreak My Heart (18+, ManxMan)

Finn's Journal October-December 2014

(STOP! If you skipped the Introduction, please read this note.  This is a sequel to Breaking Finn, if you haven't read that yet, this book will make much more sense if you do.)

October 2, 2014

 Dear Nico,

If you were really getting this letter I'd ask you Why.  Why did you leave me when you said you never would?!  I'm so angry right now I don't even know how to express it, I feel like I could explode at any second.  You lied to me the whole time we were together when you said you'd be there for me.

I'm so fucked up right now I don't even know whether to rage or cry.  One minute I'm angry and the next minute a wave of sadness so heavy fills me that I can barely stand up.  I don't know how much longer I can take this.  This pain is worse than anything and I can't bear it.

I don't understand and no matter what people tell me, I know I never will because...they don't know what we had.  Everything they say sounds hollow.  I feel like they're all full of shit.  If you were here right now you would tell me to watch my language and I might even get punished, but you're not, and I feel so lost.  

 Cynthia, my therapist, wants me to let out my feelings? That's why she told me to keep a journal.  It seemed stupid to write Dear Diary when the only person I want to talk to is you.  And if Cynthia really knew what was going on in my head, she would think twice about trying to get me to let it out.  I feel like if I did, it would be like a dam breaking and everything would burst out and nothing would be left.  I'd be empty.  Even though everything inside me is dark right now, it's all I have.  It's all I have left of you and I can't seem to let it go.  I can't let you go, I just can't and I don't ever want to.  Nobody understands that.

Declan thinks I can forget the past and be the happy little painter he wants me to be, a son for Jaime.  He doesn't get it, for an artist, he's clueless.  Painting comes from inside, it comes from the heart and there's nothing left in my heart anymore.  It's like a barren dried up desert.

I fucking hate my life right now and I wish I was dead.  You're a fucking liar and sometimes I hate you so much.  I love you then I hate you then I love you then I hate you.  Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?  I can't sleep and I'm just...so tired.

This fucking sucks and I don't even know what happened.  All I know is that you gave up. You gave up on me.  Maybe it was all a lie?  Maybe I was just a plaything until you got bored of me.  Did I become too much trouble?

This is just fucking stupid; I don't see how it will help except make me even more angry.

 Finn

---------------------------

October 7, 2014

Dear Nico,

I promised Cynthia I would try this again...I got really angry and punched a hole in the wall.  Declan and Jaime brought me to the emergency room, Declan was probably just worried my hand was broken, all he cares about is my painting, he doesn't care about me.  He called Cynthia and they told me if I kept this up I might have to be hospitalized.  Is this what you wanted?  Did you think you could just hand me off to Declan and everything would be okay?

I'm in New York now, yeah, you probably already know that, or maybe you don't?  You probably don't care anyway.  

Anyway, So like I said, I've been seeing this therapist for a few weeks now, Cynthia.  Declan and Jaime made me start seeing her.  I kind of didn't talk for a week or two.  I don't remember exactly how long, time is kind of a blur. It was just easier just to check out and not think.