Fearless

78

I woke up to Mia screaming right next to my ear, which made me jolt up, hitting Colby in the chin with my head.

"Ohhhh" I groaned and held the top of my head as I sat up. "Well that's a way to wake up." Colby said and also sat up, rubbing his chin. "Sorry!" I said and frowned, then grabbed Mia from Colby. "Shh it's okay little one, let's get you cleaned up and fed." I said and turned to Colby, "can we go to the store? Just us. Kat can watch Mia?" I asked and bit my lip. He smiled and nodded, "of course we can." He said and got up to stretch. I smiled and left the room to go get Mia changed and fed.

About 45 minutes later I was walking back into the bedroom covered in spit up. "Woah, what happened?" Colby asked as I just shook my head, walking to the bathroom.

"I bounced her for 30 minutes trying to get her to burp. What does she do when I pull her away? Burps. That kid hates me sometimes I swear." I said and started stripping my clothes off as he laughed, "she loves you more than anyone else, she just likes to test you I think." He said and I laughed, "yeah maybe, but we all know she's a daddy's girl. She literally giggles at the sound of your voice." He smiled and brushed his shoulder cockily, "yeah maybe." He said as I started the shower. "I will be in here for five minutes, can you go ask Kat if she can watch Mia?" I asked and stepped under the water.

"You got it, I'll meet you downstairs in ten, sound good?" He asked and I hummed as I let the water wash away the spit up that was in my hair.

I showered in record speed and got dressed to meet Colby. I wanted to spend time with just him for a little bit, and I loved grocery shopping. It was always so calming to just walk through the aisles for some reason.

When I walked down the stairs Colby was staring at his imaginary watch, "that was 11 minutes.." he said and looked up, "fuck off." I said with a laugh as he grabbed his keys, "after you." He said and opened the front door for me. "Why thank you." I said and skipped out of the house.

"Wait where are you going?" I asked when he took a wrong turn to get the store we usually go to, "you'll see." He said and rested his hand on my thigh. I just nodded and looked out the window.

I knew where he was going after five minutes of driving. "Why are we here?" I asked softly as he parked, "it's our spot. I could tell you wanted some time alone, and I don't think we can kill that much time in the grocery store." He said and got out of the car, then ran over to my side so he could open my door for me.

We walked down to the beach hand in hand, it was still the middle of the day so there were people here but it was still relaxing to hear the waves crashing on the shore. "I love that this is our spot." I said as we walked along the shore. We had so many memories here, including our engagement. "Yeah, I'm just so glad I took you here that night. I don't think we would have been together if I didn't." He admitted and I nodded, "yeah, we probably would have just never talked again and just faded away from eachother." I said and swung our hands, "god, that makes me sad." He said causing me to look up at him, "a life without you in it." He said and I laughed, "relax Casanova, I think we still would have ended up together somehow." I said and looked out into the waves.

"You think so?" He asked and looked over at me. "Yeah. I do. I feel like Kat would have kept dragging me out and maybe we would have still connected." I said and looked up at him scrunching my nose. "You're probably right. Can I be honest with you?" He asked and stopped to sit on the sand, "of course you can." I said and sat next to him. "I knew you were the one the second I saw you." He said and I smiled, "that's ridiculous, you didn't even know me Colby. Hell, I barely knew me." I said with a laugh.

"I just knew. I don't know, I didn't really believe it myself because it was impossible but looking back now,I knew. I knew it was always gonna be you." He said and I smiled widely, leaning my head on his shoulder. "Thanks for sticking with me." I said quietly as he wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. "I'll always be with you, you're stuck with me." He said and kissed my head, "well, there's nobody else I would rather be stuck with then." I said as we watched the waves roll in together.

We sat there for a while before finally getting up to go to the store. The drive was silent as we listened to music.

I gasped when ocean eyes by Billie Eilish came on, "I have a question." Colby said and turned the music down a little, "when you sang this at the showcase, did you sing it just for me?" He asked and I smirked, "of course I did. I had to stop myself from staring at you the whole time." I said and giggled, "I knew it! I always wondered if it was just a coincidence." He said and pulled into a parking spot, "nope. Not a coincidence, I did in fact sing this song just because I knew you would be there." I said and smirked, before getting out of the car.

We walked up to the carts and grabbed one before starting our shopping trip. "Ya know I haven't tried pickles since having Mia." I said and picked up a bunch of bananas, putting them in the cart. "Good, they are an abomination." He said and fake gagged, "what are you gonna do if Mia loves them?" I asked and continues walking. "Probably disown her." He said causing me to slap his arm harder than I probably should have. "I'm kidding! I'm kidding. That little girl could do anything and I would still be wrapped around her finger." He said and I nodded, "that's better." I said and walked to the baby food aisle.

We were going to start feeding Mia solid foods since her doctor recommended it for her age, I couldn't believe she was already almost 5 months old. She was growing up way too fast.

"What do we think? Turkey dinner or spaghetti and meat sauce?" I asked holding up two things of baby food. "Spaghetti and meat sauce for sure." Colby said and grabbed it from me and put it in the cart, "Okay, peas or carrots?" I asked and we just looked at eachother, "carrots." We said at the same time and put it in the cart.

The unwelcoming feeling of the raincloud above my head came back suddenly when I thought about Mia not needing me anymore since we were going to be switching to solid foods. She would still be on my milk for a while but the idea that she one day would only be on solid foods had me weeping in the middle of the baby food aisle.

"Hey, what's going on?" Colby asked and I just hugged him, pressing my face into his chest. I didn't say anything as I breathed in his scent, searching for comfort as he rubbed my hair down my back. "It'll pass, just breathe." He said quietly and just held me.

After a couple minutes I got my composure back and pulled away, "sorry.." I whispered and wiped my face, "Wanna talk about it?" He asked and brushed my hair from my face, hooking it behind my ear.

"I was just thinking about Mia not needing me anymore since she's gonna be going to solid foods." I said with a sigh and looked down, almost ashamed. "I know it's hard for you baby..we can hold off on it until you're ready, she's fine on milk right now, the doctor said we can start her on solids anytime, she just suggested before the 6 month milestone. We can wait." He said gently as I sighed, "it's fine, it's gonna happen eventually..I just have to work through it. I'll talk to Emily about it." I said and shook my hands, trying to bring myself back fully.

Emily was my therapist and she has been so helpful through all of this since she had a one year old and also suffered from post partum. I'm sure she would have some great tips about this next step.

"You're okay though?" Colby asked and I nodded, "yeah, I hate when that happens." I said and shook my head. "You can't help it, I'm just proud of you for being able to pull yourself out of it. You're so strong." He said and laced his fingers through mine. "Thank you." I whispered and started walking to another aisle.

The rest of the shopping trip was better, I was proud of myself for shaking it off as quickly as I did. I was usually stuck in that headspace for a while before I could really break free from it.

Maybe I really was making progress.