momma's pride and joy

Boys

"Mama," I began, "Timmy wants me to do things that girls do with guys."

"Like what?" Ma dug deeper. "What does he want you to do?"

"Well, he told me I'd soon be dating guys . . ."

"And do you want to," Ma asked before I could finish my comment.

". . . and he thinks I should be pleasing them too," I added.

"Well yeah, he's right, that's normal for girls and the more girly you get, well eventually, I believe that's what you'll want, too. I thought it was just mother's intuition, but it looks like your brother can see it as well."

I wasn't sure if she understood what I meant or not. I didn't think she did so I added,"No, mama you know like, um, he meant I should be," I sighed, before continuing to stumble over my word, extremely embarrassed to be saying what he meant. "Like, y-you know, um, pleaaaasuuuuring boys."

I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. I expected Ma to be shocked by my revelation, but no. Instead she shocked me with her calm, direct response.

"Yeah, I know what you meant. Did you do something tonight to lead him to that conclusion?"

"I don't think so. Oh gawd, I certainly hope not. And get this. He doesn't think it's what I'll eventually want, he thinks I should be doing it, now."

"Is that what he said?"

"Yeah. Oh, on the way home we saw some of his friends at the convenience store in Wenonah and one of them asked him about me. The guy wants to meet me. Tim, on his own, without taking to me, decided to invite the guy over for dinner . . . Sunday night."

"So you don't want to meet this boy?"

"I don't kn---I mean, no, no I don't."

"Remember, Sweetie, if you want to be a girl you'll have to learn to do things you would never have considered before, or you'll at least have the opportunity to. You're the woman of the house now and as the man of the house, your brother is just trying to look out for you. "

She paused but I didn't respond.

Are you saying you have no interest in boys, because I don't think you should just write off that aspect of being a girl. Not so soon anyways. Not without at least considering it. Maybe you should let the boy come over and just see how it goes."

"But, Mama, what about me and what I want? I want to become more of a girl first, learn more about this new role, get comfortable in my new life before I even think about considering anything like that."

"Just don't write off boys, that's all I'm saying. They have the ability to bring a girl a lot of fun, fulfillment, and pleasure if reciprocate."

"Ma, I haven't written off the possability of boys, well not completely. I'm just not ready to consider it yet, if ever."

"Okay, I can understand what you're saying, I guess. You don't want to rush. All I'm saying is just think about it. I think it'll be great for you. And I think you'll be pleasantly suprised." she said, emphasizing her last sentence in a sing-song voice, while stroking the back of my hand as she spoke.

I wanted to pull away, as the mere thought of anything remotely intimate with another guy creeped me out and turned my stomach. However, I didn't pull away from Ma, since she was finally changing the subject."

"So, how did the rest of your night go?"

I breathed a sigh of relief that she had finally moved on from trying to convince me to think about boys in a way I wasn't ready to consider. I had enjoyed the date experience Tim had given me tonight, but it made me feel jittery, warm, and uncomfortable to even think about actually doing that with another boy, just yet, if at all. "

"Interesting, educational . . . and eye opening," I replied

"Fun?"

Yeah, I'd had a blast, until we stopped in Wenona, Tim had been nothing less than a gentleman. I learned a lot and throughly enjoyed it."

No, I didn't tell Mama about our encounter with Madam Keesia. She wouldn't have believed it anyway and would have be upset that we even entertained a fortune teller. Besides, at this point I was starting to wonder if it ever really happened.

"Mama, Tim had been so wonderful, I was having the best night of my life until he invited that boy over."

"Well your brother Tim, he is all male and can be really inconsiderate sometimes. Tim is Tim and well . . . he's . . . the spittin' image of y'alls father . . . Those two are so much alike it's eerie." she said.

Her voice tapered off and her eyes began to tear up as she talked about Dad.

I put my arm around her and began to tear up myself.

We sat together for a few more minutes remembering dad before mom decided she needed to go to bed.

On the way of of the room Mama added, "I still agree with Tim. I think you need to reconsider that boy coming over. Let him come and just see how it goes."

I stayed up and thought more about what she and I had discussed.

Before all this started I had only considered myself to be a straight male. I always knew I would one day began to date girls and when I was older, marry one and start a family. I had always told myself that girl would be Rachel or one just like her.

Now, I knew that was looking like it was destined to never happen. I knew it was looking more and more like my future for the rest of my life would be female and I wasn't exactly opposed to that. Sure, I didn't have to continue being the 'woman of the house' once mom was gone. I could go back to my old self, take off, and leave my brothers to fend for themselves.

I also knew I'd never do that either. I loved and cared for them too much for that. We were too close of a family for me to only think about myself like that. I would do anything to help them, obviously.

Not to mention, I was starting to like being a girl. I didn't know the moment that actually became a reality, but I did know it had been a gradual process since mom had first suggested this role for me.

So, what did my future hold? Would I live my life as a girl and never know the loving, companionship of a spouse. I could still marry a girl, but did I want to, like this? Was the idea of intimacy with guys really so repulsive I'd never consider that either?

I really did have fun at the carnival and loved how I was treated by Tim, as my date. I felt loved, appreciated, special, cherished, girly. He was attentive to my needs and wanted to make sure I was having a great time.

After getting to experience what it might be like to date a boy, I knew, deep inside I kinda wanted to do it again, whether I was ready to admit it or not.

Was it just because it was Tim or would it be like that with other boys?

It was beginning to look like I was more likely to end up being a girl like Raquel than being with a girl like Raquel.

At some point, still deep in thought, I fell asleep on the couch.