momma's pride and joy

A Warm Embrace

In the days following Mama's funeral, there was a lot of sadness in our house. Tim continued to work and go to class, but he and I decided together, to allow Jessie, Jimmy and Johnny to take a few days off from school.

As much as I wanted to just stay in the bed and not do anything, I knew I had a job to do. I had to make sure the house didn't stop running. My brothers still had to be fed, Tim needed a lunch packed every morning, and the house still had to be cleaned.

One of Ma's pet peeves was clutter and things not being in their place. She always insisted on having a clean, orderly house and I wasn't about to let her down now, so I filled my days with household chores, making sure the house was extra clean and everything was in its place.

On the Monday of the week following Mama's funeral, we sent the boys back to school, so I was now home alone.

I was going through and boxing up some of Mama's things in her bed room so that I could move on there and no longer have to share a room, when I began to think back to the talk she and I had the evening before she passed.

We had been sitting on the couch having a conversation when she brought up Tim's friend, Joe, the one that was supposed to have come over for dinner. He ended up not coming because Tim had, after seeing how upset it made me, told him we'd have to reschedule. (I found out he did this before I even asked him to.)

When Ma brought him up, it was to tell me I should reconsider my decision. She said I shouldn't dismiss the possibility of finding interest in a guy and just give the guy a chance, one chance.

As I went through Mama's dresser drawers, deciding what needed to be gotten rid of, I was pondering just that and second guessing my decision to have him over.

But would it really be so bad, I reasoned. I really had enjoyed my night out with Tim. To be honest, I had dreams about that night and how wonderful I had felt and yes, I wanted to have another experience like that again.

But with another guy?

I placed some slips and girdles in a box on the bed, and stopped. I wrapped my arms around one of the tall bed post and rested my head against it. Staring off into space I began daydreaming about the same carnival date. The difference was this time I was imagining what it might have been like with Joe instead of Tim.

In my dream Joe held onto my hand just like Tim had, as we explored the carnival. I laughed at his corny jokes and he tried to impress me with his skill at the games while attempting to win me a large stuffed teddy bear. We were having the same, if not better, more wonderful time that Tim and I had had.

But, that was all in my imagination. Would he really be that special in real life? I didn't know the answer to that question but I did note that thinking about it made me happy.

I was still lost in my thoughts and presently imagining Joe trying to kiss me, when someone came walking in and nearly scared me to death.

It was the middle of the day and Jimmy, Johnny, and Jessie were still in school. I knew they wouldn't be home until late in the evening, so it really scared me when someone wrapped their arms around me from behind.

My heart jumped into my throat, as Ma would say anytime something frightened her.

It only took a second for me to realize the person hugging me, was crying. That was when I sensed it was one of my brothers.

I turned around in his embrace and discovered it was Johnny. At that moment, some kind of instinct kicked in. I knew exactly what I needed to do, and it wasn't to break the somber tension of the moment by pulling away and loudly asking him what the heck he was crying for and proceed to mock him, like I and any of my brothers might have done before.

No, instead, something inside me impressed upon me that I should wrap my arms around his head, hold him tightly in a warm embrace and just let him get his emotions out.

When his sobbing settled, I sat him on the edge of the bed and I sat next to him. I put my arm around him and spoke.

"So you left school and walked all the way home by yourself because you were missing Mama?"

He nodded affirmatively.

"I miss her too. Knowing she's not in the living room and that I can't just go in there to get advice from her or talk to her about my feelings, really hurts, a lot."

I ran my fingers through his hair.

He dropped his head and tears, again, began to trickle down each cheek.

Continuing to comfort Johnny, I realized I was doing exactly what Ma would have and had done before. She always knew what we needed and at that moment I knew this was what Johnny needed.

After a few more minutes, I got an idea.