momma's pride and joy

Nothing To Be Afraid Of

When Johnny finally saw himself in the mirror, he let out a gasp, and began to spin around, the tail of his dress flairing out around him.

After several revolutions he stopped and immediately threw his arms around me.

He hugged me tight as he exclaimed, "I love it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

He released the hug and looked up at me, "Do I have to take it off now, or can I wear it untill time for Jimmy and Jessie to get out of school?"

"Of course you can keep it on, it's your birthday. I tell you what, you can help me fix dinner this afternoon, and wear your dress until it's time for your brothers to get home."

"My dress," Johnny happily exclaimed while looking down at himself and grinning from ear to ear, after hearing what I had called it.

"Oh, and I have one more surprise for you."

Johnny's eyes grew wide, "There's more? Really? What is it?"

"Well, let's go to the kitchen. We have to  make us a picnic lunch."

"Why?"

"Were gonna take it and go see Mama again."

"What? Go outside? Dressed like this?"

"Why not? It's not like anyone will see you. You don't want to show Ma?"

"Yeah, I guess I kinda do. Okay."

I retrieved a hair clip from the dresser and placed it in the hair on one side of his head. He had just enough to clip back since none of my brothers had gotten a hair cut since the last one Mama gave them over two months ago.

Deciding he looked cute with the hair pulled back allowing his ear and the earring to be clearly seen, I repeated the process with the other side.

"How's that," I inquired of him.

He turned his head to one side and then the other, admiring himself in the mirror.

Looking up at me, he sweetly replied, "I look pretty, just like you . . . and Mama."

"Yes you do. Now, let's get a lunch packed and go show Ma."

"Kerin, are you sure she won't be mad at me?"

I knew Johnny would love being outside dressed like this, once he got there, so I had to make sure he didn't talk himself out of it.

"Of course. Look at me, this, all of this was her idea. I didn't even know I wanted it until she showed how nice it could be. You know Ma always loved us unconditionally. There's no way she would be mad at you, especially not in the afterlife. She can't. It's uh, it's an afterlife rule of law," I told him, before continuing in a voice that sounded like I was quoting from memory even though I was actually making it up on the spot." No one in the afterlife can be upset or disapprove of anything their living family members do or don't do. Their only allowed reactions are to love their living family members without conditions."

"Okay," he placed his hand in mine. "In that case, let's go."

We turned to exit the bedroom when something on the dresser caught my eye.

"Wait, holdup."

I picked up the tube of tinted lip balm and twisted it open, carefully applying a thin coat to Johnny's lips.

If anyone saw him they'd never think he was wearing anything on his lips, but he could definitely feel it and it did give them a little color, slightly pinker, more soft and feminine than normal.

Johnny observed his reflection in the mirror, and smiled with  instant approval. He then took my hand, leading me towards the kitchen.

"Come on, let's make that lunch and go see, Ma."

In the kitchen, I guided Johnny as he prepared ham and cheese sandwiches, sliced carrots and celery in to little sticks, and made a vegetable dip.

The entire time he kept a giant grin on his face.

Once the lunch was done we put it into a basket. I got us a thin blanket for ground cover and we were ready to go.

Just as we stepped out on to the wraparound porch, a gust of wind blew Johnny's dress up, causing him to scramble to hold it down.

He saw me smile and he let out a giddy laugh.

"Wait, stand here a minute. I'll be right back," I told Johnny, before heading back inside to retrieve a pair of dirty, worn, lavender colored, muckster garden boots.

They used to be moms, and even though they would probably be a little big on him, I thought it would be best he wear them on the walk, instead of his new shoes.

"Here," I handed him the dirty ankle boots. "So you don't ruin your pretty shoes while walking down the dirt road."

Once Johnny had the boots on, I showed him how he could carry his shoes by the straps, in his free hand. He had the lunch basket in the other.

"You can put them back on when we get to the grave site," I explained.

During our walk we talked about Johnny's dress and he went on and on about how much he loved it. He also let me know he didn't want this to be the only time he got to hang out with me like this.

"This feels wonderful, I love it," he told me excitedly, just as a gust of wind, once again, blew up the tail of his dress.

I asked him if he'd ever thought about doing what I had done. Did he ever think he might want to transition and live his life as a girl. He said he'd thought about it, a lot, and it was something he might want to do when he's older, but he assured me he still wanted to be a boy for now.

The entire walk, Johnny had been excited about having lunch with Mama, but by the time we got to Mama's burial site, he was starting to get a little nervous about Mama seeing him.

When we got about twenty-five feet from Ma and Pa's grave site, I picked a grassy spot to spred our picnic blanket and had Johnny change back into his pretty shoes. I also gave him one final pep talk, making sure he understood Ma was going to be excited to see him again, would love his outfit, and there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of.