momma's pride and joy

Mama Knew

I walked out of the house in a mid-calf length, black lace over black silk, dress inside a garment bag in the back of Mama's closet, just where she said I would, a black pill box hat with black tule veil, sheer black hose, and black patent-leather pumps with a thick heel, all items Mama had bought me, in preparation for this day.

Timmy supported me on the right side, and Jimmy held my left hand. Johnny ran ahead and opened the passenger door of Timmy's car for me.

I was thankful for the black net veil circling my head that hung from the hat and helped to disguise my blood-shot eyes and tear stained face.

We were on our way to Mama's funeral. She had died in her sleep four nights ago.

We were all devastated, and we all loved Ma with all our hearts, but I had a special bond with her and seemed to be taking it worse than my brothers.

Like good brothers, they were there for support and doing everything they could to comfort me, as I was them.

The funeral was to be a small graveside service on the far side of our land, in a patch of old oak trees. It was Mama's wish. The morning we found her in her bed, passed away, we also found a note pad on the bed next to her with hand written instructions and folded goodbye notes, one addressed to each of us.

Apparently she knew it was time for her to go. In the notes she told each of us goodbye and gave us each final instructions.

The note with my name was a lot thicker than the boys and in it she gave me her final instructions for my life as a girl and she told me where I could find this outfit. She said her final wish was for me to wear this outfit to her funeral.

In the letter to all of us, she told us about the angels she could see around her bed, waiting for her to finish letting us know how much she loved us, so they could escorts her to her eternal destination.

Once again, she made it clear that the boys were to give me the same respect they gave her and she expected them to be no less than perfect gentlemen towards me and treat me like a lady at all time. She also said she expected them to do whatever it took to protect me.

She then gave us instructions stating explicitly we were not to spend money on an ornate casket (she only wanted a simple pine box), a big indoor service was forbidden (a short graveside service only), she didn't want tons of flowers sent but instead we were to put out word that money could be donated in lieu of flowers to an account being held at the First National Bank in our names, and her burial plot had already been paid for next to Papa. The only thing left for us to do was to get the date of her death engraved on the headstone she would now share with him, and that too had already been paid for in advance.

The funeral was a simple affair officiated by a long time family friend, the pastor of the local Baptist Church, one of only three churches in town and the one we used to attend before Papa died.

Once Papa died, Ma stopped taking us to church. She held a bit of anger in her heart towards God for taking Pa from us and couldn't bare to go back.

In the months leading up to her death, I think she let go of that anger because I heard her talking to the pastor on the phone several times and often heard her praying for each of us at night.

Around forty people showed up to pay their respects to Mama. No one said anything about it to me at the time, but I found out later there had been a lot of whispering when my brothers showed up with Kevin nowhere to be seen, a grieving girl the same age as ans similar in appearance to him, in his place.

I'm pretty sure many of those in attendance decided the girl had to be Kevin or at least, wondered if it was.

I think Mama knew what she was doing when she requested I wear that outfit. She was using her funeral to introduce her daughter to all our friends and neighbors.

I knew there was no turning back now.

When it was my turn to approach the open casket and say my final goodbyes to Ma, I gave her a kiss on the lips and thanked her.