Chasing Forever

21. Chickening Out

     "Come on, Tanner. I have better things to be doing with my time than standing here waiting for my brother to grace me with his presence." 

     I slowly opened the door just a crack and peeked out. Chase was standing there, with his hands in his pockets, and his back facing me. It didn't seem like he heard me open the door, because he didn't turn around. 

     I couldn't find my breath for a moment. Seeing him there was just too much of a shock. I panicked, and shut the door as quickly and quietly as I could. 

     I decided that I needed a night or two to compose myself before I talked to him. I needed to know exactly what to say to him before we actually ran into each other. 

     The fact that the second I saw him standing there I still wanted to walk up behind him and wrap my arms around him, pretending the last few months didn't happen, I knew I wasn't ready. 

     The truth was, they did happen. He might be here now, but letting him off the hook completely wasn't an option. 

     I made eye contact with Tanner, and neither of us said anything. Then, I turned and hustled to my bedroom because there was another set of knocks at the door. 

     There was a long pause before I heard any talking, and it made me wonder if Tanner was giving me a chance to change my mind and come back. I wasn't prepared for this tonight, though, and I needed to talk to Chase on my terms. 

     "Baby brother." 

     "Do you think you kept me waiting long enough?" 

     I heard Tanner let out a chuckle that didn't sound very sincere, and then I heard Chase let out a defeated sigh. A sound I knew all too well from our final times together. 

     "Listen, it isn't what you think. We weren't doing anything. I just...she's just a friend. I know I don't really do female friends, but this is different." 

     I could hear the discomfort in Tanner's voice, and I felt so guilty. I was making him keep such a huge secret from his own little brother.

     "I think that if that's true, it's a miracle. I didn't want to crash your evening or anything I just need to grab the keys from you and you can get back to....whatever...you were doing." 

     "It's fine, I can catch up another time. You and I haven't talked in quite awhile and all of a sudden you're calling me to ask to stay with me? I think that I need the story on that one." 

     Suddenly, I was listening harder than before. I was praying that Chase would spill everything right there where I could hear so I knew for sure what he knew before I went to see him. 

     "I promise that I'll be out of your hair much faster if you don't pry." 

     "Fine, I'll call dad and ask why you're back and staying with me instead of going home for the summer." 

     "The last thing I want to do is talk to you about this. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say, honestly. Let's just get out of your neighbor's doorway, okay? I'll talk to you when we're at your place." 

     "Fine, that works for me. Do you think you can wait outside my door? I want to go thank her for inviting me over."

     "Is the biggest player of all time, the Tanner Evans himself, experiencing his first crush?" 

     I felt myself get a little bit anxious when I didn't hear anything else for what felt like an eternity. It made me wonder if they left and didn't even shut the door, but I was too worried they were still there to go check. Finally, I heard talking again. 

     "Just go, I'll be there in a minute." 

     I heard footsteps coming my way, and I relaxed knowing that it was Tanner coming to say goodnight, and that so far he was able to keep things under wraps. He came in, and gave me a nervous smile. 

     "Hey, I just wanted to check on you before I left..." He let himself trail off, and I gave him an encouraging smile. 

     "Thanks, I appreciate the gesture." 

     "I'm sorry if me being here is weird now...because of Chase..." 

     I hated how strained everything got so suddenly. Tanner had been great company, and now? We could barely look at one another. I knew that we were just being silly, but that's the sort of thing that's hard to just shake off and ignore. 
     "There's no reason that we can't still be friends. Chase and I are going to have to talk. Depending on how that goes, I might really need a friend in my corner. So, friends?" 

     He gave me a grin, and nodded, and I smiled back. He had such an easy personality that you couldn't help but be comfortable with him. 

     "I hope to see you around the hallway soon." I gave him a sarcastic eyeroll, and laughed. 

     "You're more than welcome to knock on my door sometime. If you wanted to get the inside scoop on what Chase is thinking, well, I wouldn't be opposed to that." 

     "I'm way ahead of you, Ever. I already planned on doing some research. One thing I'm wondering is what possessed him to walk away from you in the first place." 

     I hated when Tanner got that look on his face, especially mixed with saying things like that. Things that sounded more than friendly.

     "Goodnight, Tanner. Have fun catching up with your brother." He gave  me a small nod, looking a bit embarrassed, and told me to have a good night myself. 

     I watched him leave, and then I slumped down on my bed. 

     I felt so disappointed in myself.

     Chase had been so close, and I had chickened out. The fact that he was here meant that he knew. Hiding from him wasn't solving anything, or helping anyone. All it was doing was giving me more time to feel guilty. 

     What if he was going to tell me he wanted this? Maybe he was upset that he missed out on the doctor's appointments so far? Part of me was dreading facing him, and the other part was just thankful that he showed up now before I had the babies and he missed out on even more. 

     Right now all I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep for a week. Unfortunately, sleep wasn't something that my mind would be letting me do anytime soon. 

     I pulled out my phone, and called my boss. The library was open twenty-four hours a day, and I was more than willing to work tonight in order to have tomorrow off. 

     "Hello, sir. I was wondering if I could work the night shift tonight. Yes, just swap it for tomorrow....No, I did not realize that an overnight counted as double time. I would love to work tonight and have the next two days off. I'll be there in fifteen minutes, thank you." 

     I ended the phone call, and started to change my clothes to go back to work. My physical tiredness would have to subside soon. Working all night would be better than tossing and turning all night only to have to get up for work in the morning. 

     After a quick call to let my dad know that I was going to work so he wouldn't worry if he stopped by again tonight, I left.