Amnesia (Phanfiction)

Judging Bridges

Phil's POV

I ran away from home and I was not planning on coming back anytime soon. Not after I admitted all of those things to Dan.

I need to find Jessica. Jessica is the girl I got pregnant.

I walked through the city trying to remember where Jess was living.

After a while I finally remembered and I knocked on her door. Seconds later the door opened.

"Philip?", I heard her voice asking.

"What do you even want here?"

"Well you see I know it was not cool of me to sleep with you and never show up again, but I was just too afraid, you have to understand I had so many things to lose, I have been a real dickhead and I want to apologise, this should have never happened", I said, pointing at her stomach.

"What about now?"

"Well, I fucked everything up at the moment, I'm sleeping under a bridge tonight because I'm a coward fuck and I don't want to sleep here don't worry, I just want to tell you that I'm not ready to be the father of your child because I always had somebody else, I was just too blind to see how amazingly perfect it was, I was just a stupid asshole, there's no way to say it more nicely, I'm just a fuck up, just so you know", I said holding my tears back.

"Sounds awful Phil, please come in, don't say no, I want you to come in and tell me what exaclty happened and what you did to fuck up with your girlfriend", she said so understanding.

"Boyfriend", I corrected her and walked in. She gave me a weird look, but gestured me to sit on the sofa next to her.

"So what is about you and your boyfriend?"

I took a deep breath.

"I wrote him a letter", I said as calm as I could.

"What did you write about?"

"Okay so first you have to know something", I said fighting with my tears.

"What is it?", she asked curiously.

"I have rejected him about 2 years ago and..", I sobbed.

"And I threw him out of the appartment and he wrote me that letter telling me that he was leaving and that I shouldn't come and search for him and that he's sorry that he has probably never come back, for when I found the letter later and that he's trying to say goodbye", with that I busted out in tears.

Jess tried to comfort me.

"Shh shh Phil it's alright, it's past, what happened then?", she asked.

"The next thing I remember was that his parents called me. Then when I came back, I found his letter and I didn't know what to do so I took that blade and rammed it into my skin and I still regret that, though it faded."

I sobbed really hard by now.

"They said", sob.

"He ..." I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't hold it in anymore, I cried.

"Phil shh what happened then, I'm here, nothing bad will happen, it happened and it won't happen again, I'm sure, you're so brave.", she tried to comfort me.

"HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF WITH JUMPING IN FRONT OF A TRAIN!", I literally screamed with tears flooding down my face.

She was shocked. She took a moment to process what I just said.

"Oh Phil I'm so sorry", she said still shocked.

"Yeah anyway", I said, trying to pull myself together.

"Then he was in coma for like 2 years."

I took a deep breath.

"I starved myself in that time and I never went out except to the hospital to visit him every day, I blamed myself completely and I still do and don't tell me otherwise. So that one day he woke up. Nobody ever believed in that anymore. I was the reason they haven't shut down the generators to keep him alive. I was so sure he'll wake up one day. When he woke up, his parents called me and I ran to the hospital as fast as I could. He didn't remember me. He had amnesia."

Silent tears running down my face because of the shooting back of the memories.

Jessica just sat there listening and I really appreciated letting all out what's been storing in me for months.

"So day by day he got his memory back and after everything he knew about his past, about what happened to him, the more I got afraid I would lose him, but one day when he remembered that I threw him out and that's why he wanted to die, he didn't leave me, he really loved me. We got together then. But after some weeks when he needed some space sometimes, so he would sleep in his own room, I went to clubs. That's how I met you this one night. And I got really really drunk and I'm so sorry it happened but I can't change things from the past, so now I'm sitting here, explaining everything to you. But anyway, then I wrote him a letter telling him everything, that I still love him so much and that it's not his fault but completely mine and that I went out at nights and that I got you pregnant and that some things are just not meant to be and so are we and that I still love him but I know he won't and that I'll sleep under some bridges and..."

She cut me off.

"You're so silly", she said

I looked at her confused.

"What?"

"Go back to him, face him, don't hide! Please go home and talk to him."

I sighed.

"Tomorrow. Promise.", I chuckled out.

"Alright, if you want you can sleep here tonight", she suggested.

"No, I'll take the bridge, I deserve it", I sighed.

"Well if that's your wish, and about the baby, I was planning on an abortion, because I don't have time for it and it would have no father and I'm too young for that responsibility anyway, so don't worry about that", she smiled.

"Okay thanks Jess", I said smiling.

"Feel free to turn up whenever you want", she said welcoming.

"I will, see you around maybe", I chirped and went out the house again. I waved her goodbye and walked into direction bridge.

It got pretty late already so I searched for a bridge with a bench under it.

When I finally found one, I lay down and fell asleep.

The next day I woke up, I looked at my phone.
7 missed calles from Dan.

What did he want to tell me? Did he want to tell me I should leave forever and that he never wants to see me again?

I would never know if I won't take Jessica's advice and go home and talk to him. So I got up and walked home.

When I stood in front of our appartment door, I wasn't so confident anymore.

My knees were shaking and my hands were sweating. My head was cloudy all over and I was scared.

But I took all of my courage and knocked on the door. I knocked three times until someone opened the door.