Hold You Accountable (Published) | ✓

Kabanata 29

Kabanata 29

I couldn't breath— was that possible? For you to lose your reason for breathing even if you were alive?

Bobo. Tanga. Mayabang.

The hurtful words were just words on the surface but they were like knifes plunging into my skin— it was marking my every being.

My eyes welled up with tears as I try to keep swimming in the vast space of loneliness — but I was already drowning. It was already too hard for me to keep up.

I was so lost.

This wasn't the Zafirah I know. Where did she go? I was so strong before...

What happened?

Why did it hurt so much to be alive?

Kung hindi ako matalino, wala akong kwenta. This was the greatest thing about me — without it, who am I?

I sat down in one of the benches of Bonanza Area. Mahangin. Mahamog. Wala na ang araw.

No one would know if I was gone tomorrow.

"Zafirah,"

I look up to the person who called the name that was so unfamiliar to me. I was Zafirah, the future topnocher in the CPA board exams — but right now I was just the broken Zafirah, the nothing Zafirah and the useless Zafirah.

"Kamusta?"

My tears immediately flown down from my face. I broke down and cried until I couldn't even see anymore. My vision was so blurry and I was holding tightly on my own skirt.

"Nak, usap tayo? Gusto mo?" lumapit si Ms. Cynthia saakin. Hinagod niya ako sa likod.

Umiling ako. She has her own problems. I don't want to burden her.

"Sige lang, nak. Kung hindi ka pa handang mag-kwento, nandito lang ako. Sasamahan lang kita." Ms. Cynthia didn't leave my side.

Iyak lang ako nang iyak.

"Zafirah, noong unang kita ko sa'yo— alam ko na magiging successful ka pagdating ng panahon. You were strong— so strong that some of your classmates even hesitated to talk to you," mahinahon niyang pagkukwento.

"But Zafirah, just because you're strong it doesn't mean you can't be weak. Just because you keep raising your head doesn't mean you can't cry. Tao lang tayo, Zafirah. Napapagod, natatakot, nasasaktan, nalulungkot pero kinabukasan ay babangon."

Tumingin ako sa kanya. I wiped my own tears using my hands.

"Naniniwala ka po bang makakabangon ako?"

Ngumiti siya sa akin. "Alam mo ba bakit kahit deadline na, tumatanggap pa rin ako ng mga pinapapasa ko sa inyo kinabukasan?"

Umiling ako. Akala ko ay dahil ito sa mabait lang talaga siyang Professor.

"Kasi naniniwala akong hindi natatapos ang buhay mo sa isang araw. May bukas pa. May susunod pa sa bukas. Nakakalungkot Zafirah kung ang buhay mo ay hindi mo na bubuksan sa panibagong bukas."

"Ms. Cynthia, bakit ang hirap naman nito? Bakit ganito 'yung grade 12? Parang lahat ng achievements ko noon...Mga papel at mga biniling medalya lang pala sa bangketa."

"That's not true, your achievements are the fruit of your hardwork."

Lumamlam ang kanyang mga mata at nagpakawala siya ng isang malalim na hininga.

"Pagdating mo sa college, you'll have to strived harder. Hindi lahat ng bumabagsak, hindi na nakakabangon. I believe in you, Zafirah." Ms. Cynthia was looking at me.