Hold You Accountable (Published) | ✓

Kabanata 30

Kabanata 30

This was the kind of heartbreak I was trying to avoid. The kind that just wrecks you inside and you can't even do anything about it. It immobilizes you from moving on.

Pumikit ako nang mariin. Ang mga tinig ng aking mga kaklase ay unti-unting nawawala sa aking pandinig. I slowly opened my eyes. All of them are slowly turning into mere shadows. All I can see is just the list plastered on the whiteboard.

This was what I wanted, right?

Memories was surging into me. The thing about memories, it makes you remember everything but nothing changes. You can't change it. Hanggang sa alaala na lang ito. Paalala kung bakit at paano nangyari ang mga bagay-bagay.

Hindi mo na ito mababago.

"Zafirah, congrats." Gio cheerfully tapped me from behind.

Nilabas kasi ang results ng over-all topnotchers para sa first semester. On top of the list was my full name. Sa average lang kami nagkatalo nang sumunod sa pangalan ko. I lowered my gaze as I move away from the crowd.

I never thought I can actually redeem my spot. I smiled but I wasn't elated. It didn't even make me excited knowing I gained back my spot.

It felt empty, like it didn't even matter to me if I was number one or not.

I walked towards my friends. Ipinilig ang aking ulo nang makitang niyayaya nila ako pumunta sa direksyon nila. All of them also had honors. Pero hindi tulad ko, masaya talaga sila. I, on the other hand, feel nothing because I realized I have sacrifice a lot of things in order for me to gain that spot.

Despite the sacrifices I've made, it didn't feel like it was worth it. It didn't even feel like it was breakeven, it didn't reach the bare minimum. Parang nalugi pa ako dahil hindi naman ito naging tulay para bumalik ako sa pagiging masaya.

"Adren, congrats din!"

Gio almost hugged Adren, in which made his friend move backwards. Tawang-tawa kami dahil sobrang clingy ni Gio sa lahat. He was really happy for everyone. He didn't treat it like a competition. I wonder if that's the reason why he doesn't get stress often. Hindi niya ito tinitingnan bilang karera namin.

That's probably why I was so supressed by the tightness of my chest whenever someone gets a higher score than me. Nasanay ako sa tuktok kaya naman kapag bumababa ako, I feel like I'm being oppressed which actually isn't even true. Each of us have our own track to follow. I shouldn't compare mine with others because we have different paths created for each and everyone of us.

Life's not a competition. Stop comparing your track with others. Ikaw lang ang lulungkot. You have your own track, focus on it.

"Congrats, Gio." Adren gave a smile. "Korean BBQ Resto, tonight?"

"Just what I needed!" Gio exclaimed. Gio was the only one who didn't changed at all. He was the same bubbly guy I met before.

Adren organized a party to celebrate our achievements for the 1st semester. I knew better though, it was just a reason for him to get drunk and drown himself in alcohol so he could forget.

How can I say? Because I'm about to do the same thing.

We went to a Korean BBQ Resto near the seashore. It was really a unique place to visit. Sa pagkakaalam ko ay nirentahan 'to ni Adren para sa buong gabi. Most of our classmates went here because it's technically Adren's blowout for everyone in our class.

"Being eighteen is so fun! Pwede ka na makulong!" Halakhak ni Melay, she was raising a small cup containing soju.

Ang ilan sa mga kaklase ko ay nagluluto para sa lahat. Not everyone likes the smell of smoke in their clothes and not everyone knows how to cook. Kaya naman tamang patay malisya na lamang ang iba sa pagluluto ng karne sa grill.