Help me

Chapter eight

Dave p.o.v 21 march 2020

"What do I do? what do I do!?". Some may say I should just say fuck my parents and be with Joel. They don't understand, it's not that easy especially not when you've grown up being told it's wrong. My parents were also freaking crazy and even spoke about killing gay people one time. That had probably been one of the worst days of his life. After that comment, he had isolated himself for months out of fear someone would find out and tell his parents. You could say it was the first of many depressive episodes. "What if Joel tells my parents that I'm gay? or he's just using me?" his subconscious whispers. "No, Joel would never do that". Still, Joel could say it by accident. "How? he never meets your parents" the rational part of him says. Dave ignores it completely. "Perhaps you should speak with Joel about it. And you don't have to tell people you're dating Joel" the rational part of him tries again. In the end, he decides he has to leave and think about it.

Now you might think that was a good idea or at least a rational one ( You're all probably dying for them to get together at this point so maybe not you lmao). The only problem is that he decides to do that without telling Joel. Unless you count a short note explaining why he had left. It's only around 5 am and outside it's very dark. Dave probably shouldn't be driving after drinking all night but isn't that what alcohol do? It makes you do dumb things you wouldn't normally do. Luckily he doesn't meet any cops and get home safely. Dave feels guilty for leaving Joel without saying anything but it's too late to change that now.

"Joel wouldn't have done anything if he wasn't drunk. He doesn't even really love you and if you think that you're a fool". Dave unlocks his door and steps inside his house. The whole house looked like shit and just had a really depressive atmosphere to it. He closes the door behind him and walks directly upstairs to the bed. Dave feels really tired suddenly. He doesn't know if it's the alcohol, the fact that it's around 8.30 am or just his depression coming back. It's probably a mixture of them all. Dave knows when he lay down he would not move again for a long time. It's always like that when he's depressed. Despite knowing all this and knowing he should probably get some help he collapses on the bed anyways. The only good thing is he can't muster the energy to go get something to cut with or he would probably have broken his promise.

Dave closes his eyes after staring a bit out in thin air. Even though he's very tired he just can't sleep. He keeps repeating that scene again and again in his head. How Joel had kissed and then told him he loves him. "I don't believe him, why would he ever love me? I'm just that guy that keeps letting everyone down both in my private life and my fans. Not to mention that I always depend on others and I'm a fucking coward". Dave loved Joel but he didn't know if he was brave enough to start a relationship with him. If he did he would most likely lose his family and some of his friends and have to tell everyone he was gay. It sounds easy enough but it wasn't. Despite how bad his family have been with teaching him it was bad to be part of the LGBT+ community they had always supported him on all other areas. They had been there and helped him during his depressive episodes and helped him start his YouTube channel. Before Spectrum they had watched all his videos to support him. It was mostly his sister he was afraid of losing. Hannah meant really much to him and honestly, it sucked he would have to choose between his family and being himself. Until now he had chosen the first one since he hadn't met anyone that he liked that also liked him back.

This was the first time he was actually considering leaving his family. "Perhaps my sister will still want to see me. She has never been too homophobic and seems like she's faking it". Dave didn't really believe it but it didn't hurt anyone to hope for it "Only yourself when you find out she hated you anyways". Finally, after trying to sleep for almost an hour Dave fell asleep. 

A/N: Thank you guys so much for 570 reads! I really enjoy reading all your comments and talk to some of you. Also thank you for voting on my story. This sounds so cliche lmao