⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️
suicidal thoughts and actions
"Hey Josh?" i looked up at my boyfriend of 6 months as we were laid in his bed watching netflix.
"Yes Mar?" he looked down at me as his hands twirled through my hair.
"I love you" i spoke softly, my voice not wanting to be used.
"I love you too" he leaned down and kissed me gently
"dont forget that, okay?"
"Why would I forget that?" he asked
"Just incase" i faked a smile and laid my head onto his chest.
"Okay" he nodded seeming a little worried as he held me closer to his chest.
I laid there silently as the tv played in the background drowned out by my racing thoughts. Lately the internet has been more hateful then ever before, my comments are filled with people telling me I don't deserve the platform I have because I have no talent. People telling me I used Josh for clout and that I'm not good enough for him. Calling me fat, ugly, worthless, stupid, and a waste of space.
When you read something enough you can't help but start to believe it. I took a break from social media 2 weeks ago but its too late, the thoughts are already engraved into my mind.
The world would be better off without me, I know it.
People wanting me to stay are being selfish, I'm suffering, my mind has a constant flow of degrading thoughts that I can't quiet down.
Theres nothing that can help me now.
Half the internet hates me and I can't change that. It's just a matter of time until everyone around me feels it too.
I don't care about anything anymore, I don't see a future for me, I don't even want to try.
I heard light snores coming from above me indicating that Josh was asleep. Slowly I removed his arms from around me as I stood up. Leaning down I left a gentle kiss on his forehead as a tear slipped from my eye landing on his pillow.
Grabbing my phone from the nightstand I made my way out his bedroom door. As I tried to make it out the front door I was stopped by his roommate/best friend and my friend Anthony.
"Hey, where are you going? It's 1am" he looked at me an eyebrow raised and a look of concern across his face.
"I just wanted to go for a short drive, clear my head" i lied to the floppy haired boy standing in front of me.
"Oh okay" he said wearily "are you okay Mara? Something seems off"
no im not okay.
but i will be.
i just need to get out of here alone.
"I'll be fine, just want some air" i tried to look as okay as I could, just enough that he'll let me walk out this door.
"Does Josh know?" he asked still unsure. God dammit Anthony stop caring. Let it go. Let me go.
"He's asleep"
"Okay" he still looked unsure but had no real reason to hold me back. "If something was wrong you'd tell one of us right? We all care about you and want to help you. We want you to be okay"
