imagine | jikook ✔

THIRTY

JIMIN ;

i decided to stay in the hotel room while yoongi and teahyung went to the club . they didn't apologize for not believing me , they just played the victim claiming that they didnt know or whatever .

either way , i didn't want to put myself through the anxiety of trying to fit in , so i simply stayed back .

luckily they left some alcohol and weed , leaving me to have fun . i figured that i could get wasted by myself , rather than with people who barely trusted me .

i walked towards the table where everything was , i took a bottle of vodka and a few rolls of weed . after i browsed the table a little more i realized that i had everything i wanted .

i didn't want any food or anything , so i simply put the vodka and weed into the bag jeongguk let me take .

i didnt know if i was going to return to the hotel tonight , so i left a small note on their bed .

'i didn't contribute anything to today , except for headaches .. so i apologise . im not gonna stay here tonight , so have fun with both beds & be safe .
- love min'

it was simple and short , hopefully they wouldn't think to much of it .

i then grabbed all my belongings , and left .

on my way out of the hotel i thought of where to go , since i wasn't too familiar with the area .. and i came up with going to a park .

i saw one when we first arrived to the hotel , just a little ways down the street .

with that in mind , i quickly walked towards the park .

i arrived to see that no one was there , the park was rather isolated . it was a bit difficult to see , considering it was late at night & no lights were on .

i didn't let that bother me though . so i pulled out the bottle of vodka and weed . i also placed in some earbuds , playing one of my sadder playlists without even noticing .

i twisted the cap of the vodka , breaking the seal . i flicked the cap off and started drinking .

if the smell of hand sanitizer was a taste , than that is what i would say the vodka tasted like . it burned my throat , and it tasted nasty- but it was addicting almost .

i couldn't get enough . it felt satisfying . i could let go just for tonight .

i didn't have to think , i didn't have to stay quiet , or be looked down on . i could just let go .

soon i downed half of the bottle , leaving me a little drowsy .. but i still continued to get loose .

i ripped open the small bag of pre-rolled weed , and took one into my grasp . i placed the bag back into my bag , and grabbed a lighter .

i placed the roll in the entrance of my mouth , holding it in place as i lit up the other end with the lighter .

soon the roll lit up , leaving me to smoke it . i took a few breaths in and out , slowly relaxing as sad songs played in my ears .

i was currently listening to as the world caves in , by matt . one of the sadder songs on the list . it made me feel lonely , as if happiness was never an option for me .

i felt my eyes tear up as the chorus played . all of a sudden random thoughts appeared in my mind , adding onto the tears .

'i am just a fat faggot'

'i always make people angry'

'i am a disappointment'

'my mom should've aborted me'

'i wish i could love myself , but i cant'

many thoughts flew in and out , making me feel even worse .

my head hurt as i cried in agony . the alcohol then kicked in , making my feelings feel ten times more powerful . i wasnt thinking straight anymore .

my head clouded up with terrible thoughts , making it almost impossible to calm down .

tears continued to pour down my flushed cheeks , my breathing became uneven- making it hard to breath . my body shook violently as the cool air blew past me . i needed a hug , but no one was there .

why ?

why was i constantly alone , when i needed it ?

why me ?

"why" i sobbed , trying to figure out the unanswerable .

"why ?!" i yelled out into the air , sobbing harder than before .

"why ?!?! why did i have to be born ?! i hate myself , i wish i could- i wish i could .. leave .. for good . i- i only cause burdens .. to .. to those i-i love !" i screamed , trying to hug myself , but i failed miserably .

i screamed multiple times that night , at nothing in particular . i continued to drink my problems away , and soon i was in a very bad place- mentally at least .

though before i could do anything smart , i passed out .

-

(a/n : 👁️💋👁️)