BAD BOY ABUSED (male pov)

#37 I felt like I was dying inside.

I didn't have to search far for her because she practically pounced on me as soon as I returned to the bonfire. I took down the beach, away from everyone. Away from Olivia. She leaned against me, flattening her hand against my chest which I gently removed and held it down my side, intertwined in my fingers.

"What is your name?" I asked through gritted teeth.

She looked at me funny before answering "Megan."

I run my fingers through my hair with my one free hand and sighed deeply.

"Well Megan, can you believe Olivia? She flipped out on me just because I punched some dude, like she cares so deeply about this guy it was enough for her to do that to me."

Megan looked at me with a blank expression and the desire slipped from her drunken eyes but I didn't care, I continued venting.

"You know what? Fuck her. I don't need her. She can go be with her boyfriend, he's probably better for her than me anyway with their shitty marshmallows and dance mat competitions."

"You ok Liam?" Megan asked suspiciously.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be? I can get any girl I want, she's nothing." I said matter of factually.

"You wanna do this then?" She pointed down her body and I allowed myself to check her out for the first time.

She was smoking hot in a tiny, strapless bikini and a little skirt that could pose as a belt. I tried to imagine her without the strip of material covering her body but my head was too clouded with shit to properly engage in this situation. She lent in, aiming for my lips but I dodged her and threw mine against her neck. Listening to quiet moans fall from her mouth as she withered under my touch.

I don't know why I was surprised that she used my weakness against me, I always expected it because people can't be trust but it didn't stop it from hurting. She has always been the one to save me but right now I just felt betrayed.

"Liam?" Megan said pulling me away from my thoughts.

"What?"

"I said, are you ready?"

"Yeah." I lied.

She reached up and pulled down her bikini bottoms, removing them quickly.

Please be ready for her.

I closed my eyes, refusing to let Olivia into my mind. I needed to concentrate on Megan, on her slim frame and the fact that she was completely comando right now, waiting for me.

Hurry up and get ready.

I squoze my eyelids tight, I needed Megan to get rid of this shitty feeling I felt so why wasn't my body cooperating. Think of the release, how much better she can make you feel. I opened my eyes, she was watching me like I was a complete mystery to her. I backed away running my fingers through my hair.

"Ughhhhhhhh, why won't you work?" I directed the question directly at my crotch. Megan said nothing but watched my crazy outburst.

"I guess I don't find you attractive enough. We're going to have to rain check." I turned and walked away from her without giving her a chance to reply.

***

I sat on the sand watching the waves crash into me, feeling like they were a metaphor for my life that was crashing down in front of me. I didn't understand any of this.

I didn't understand how to cope with this emotion that I constantly felt around Olivia, I wanted to kiss her, to touch her and to be with her constantly but the second her hands were on me the darkness rolled in, strangling me. I wanted to stay away from her because she is too good for me and deserves better than my damage. I felt broken that the one person who made me feel safe exploited my weakness. I felt lost because I couldn't throw my turmoil into random girls now that my body was betraying me, the only coping mechanism I've ever known.

I felt like I was dying inside.

I watched my friends splashing around in the ocean, thinking how easy they got it. Free to let loose and have fun, not clouded by all of these demons. I felt her sit down in the sand next to me and I tensed, anticipating her touch again. Not brave enough for a second round. I couldn't look at her, I didn't want to show her the fear she caused behind my eyes.

"Not going for a swim?" She broke the silence and I just shook my head. Pulling my legs further into my chest and resting my chin on my knees.

"I'm sorry I got so mad." She said really quietly.

I turned to face her even though I knew my expression would give away all the hurt I felt.

"You knew my weakness, but you used it against me anyway." I whispered back, letting the ocean carry the low tones of my broken voice.

"I know." she admitted, looking remorseful.

"Why?" I spoke so quietly I wasn't sure she heard me.

I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. My whole world already felt like it was crumbling around me and the one person capable of picking up the pieces was the one who caused it to crumble.

"I lost control. I was mad. Mad at you for blowing hot and cold. Mad at never knowing where I stand or what mood swing I'm going to endure today. Mad at how complicated our friendship is. Mad that I don't even know if we are friends. Mad you hit my friend for no reason. Mad at myself for not walking away."

I turned back to the water, thinking over her words. She was right our friendship had been a whirlwind roller coaster because I refused to let her in but I also refused to let her go. If anyone understood a loss of control it was me and maybe that didn't justify her hurting me but I did understood it. I turned back to face her, making my choice.

"I have to let you in or let you go, right?

"You remember?"

I smiled slightly, realizing I just gave myself away. "Yeah, I remember" I admitted.

Things had eased between us and my haunting emotions had simmered. The hope was rebuilding inside of me, hope of escaping this life, hope of being normal and she was the one responsible for that.

"You wanna hang out tomorrow?" She said interrupting my thoughts.

"Hang out?" I said slowly, which made her giggle.

"Yeah, that's what friends do, isn't it? You can come over and we'll watch movies or something." She spoke so casually like this was no big deal to her but my stomach was doing summersaults.

"Uhh" I started, not know how to answer this invite without offending her and putting us right back in an argument. I couldn't hang out with her, we weren't dating and I didn't want to give her the wrong impression of me, again. Even though I really, really wanted to. I just didn't want to complicate things, have her catch feelings for me that I couldn't reciprocate. Plus hanging out with a girl would be... weird.

"Liam? What gives?" she pressured.

"Don't take this the wrong way but you're a girl and I only hang out with my boy mates, girls start to develop feelings and I'm not the relationship type. I can't commit to that."

She started laughing at me throwing her hand against her lips to stifle her laughter. I smiled because it made me happy to see her laughing but I didn't know what she found so funny.

"I'm sorry that sounds so childish, like you can't play with girls because they have boogers. Would you chill Romeo? I'm not going to fall in love with you if you come hang out at my house. I'm just tired of this up and down roller coaster with you. One minute we're laughing like friends the next you're horrible or avoiding me. Can't we just being friends, period?"

When she put it like that it did sound stupid, maybe we could try being friends. She knew where I stood on the relationship front, the rest was up to her. Perhaps being friends with her would calm my darkness enough to not need more and to officially get her out of my mind.

"Ok. Tomorrow, I'll come round at six."

"You're gonna have to apologize to Harris." She said, making my mood sour again.

"I'm not doing that." I said sternly.

"But - "

"Liv." And she took that as a warning to cease the conversation there.