Chapter 5

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Katya POV-

February (Freshman Year)

I'm fucking lonely. I mean there isn't anything new about that, not here but it's the truth. I learned the first time I was here that you don't go trying to make friends in rehab. Sometimes they last, sometimes is helps, but you never know when things will go well and when they won't. It's not helpful or necessary to rely on others here. Sure, there's support, I talk to other people, but if you get attached and one of you messes up you may as well all go down together. If your best friend leaves, you'll check yourself in a few days max. When you try to come back because you realize it was a shitty idea, your spot will be filled and you'll have to find a new center or wait for a new spot. That is, f they'll even have you back. It's never happened to me, but I've seen it too many times to try it out for myself.

I'd like to see Trixie, tell her I'm sorry instead of worrying every day if she hates me. If she did I wouldn't be mad. Some days I wish she would be mad at me. It's easier that way, when someone is mad at you it's okay for you to be angry back, even if they did nothing bad to you. When someone else treats you like shit it makes you feel like it's okay to do the same to them. I'm not saying it is, I'm just saying it takes away most of the guilt. But she doesn't yell, or fight, or get outwardly mad at me. She waits for an apology, she leaves me be. That's the thing. I can't call her, and she can't call me, but she is allowed to call the center and they have to tell me her message. It's been two months and she hasn't left a single message. I don't know what that means. I can call her in another month. Until then I can't tell her anything.

The thing that sucks the most about today in particular is that it's Valentine's Day. I had the day planned for her for a long time. We were going to go to dinner, and I had a necklace for her. There's a bookstore downtown that we both love and then we would get hot chocolate and walk around the farmers market at night. Instead she's god knows where, probably living her best life at college, and I'm stuck alone in rehab.

December (Sophomore Year)

It's the most stressful week I've had in a while. Coming back to school sucked, but this might be worse. Just after I finally really got caught up we have finals and I'm still trying to figure out if I know everything for a lot of my classes. I'll be fine in math but I'm a little worried about history. I should've taken it last year, but my schedule had gotten fuller than I wanted. Now I'm wishing I would've taken it then anyways.

I stare down at my text book so long my head is pounding and my eyes are watering, over compensating for my lack of blinking. "Katya you've been staring at that book for too long." Violet says, tapping me on the shoulder as she passes me.

"I know but I have to know all the stuff and I only have two days left." I sigh.

"Well this." She waves at my desk, "Isn't helping."

My eyes roll but she's right, I'm not getting anything done right now. "I should go out or something."

"Good idea, just come back early enough to get some sleep."

"I will." I assure her, leaving the desk and heading to the bathroom to wash up. I look a mess, clearly haven't done anything today other than 2 last minute classes and staring blankly at that goddamn history textbook. Even wracking my brain for what I'd been trying to get out of it, I come up with nothing. Great.

My hair is hardly tangly but I brush it anyways because it makes me feel more like a human, I can hear the door open, Fame say hello to Violet. As she passes the bathroom on the way to her room I can hear Christmas music playing quietly from her phone. It is December, but I keep forgetting that I have to go up to Boston with my family. We used to live there, but now only my grandparents do and because they refuse to travel we have to go up there to visit them on the holidays. I know Trixie's been trying to finish up all her school work but I'm not sure if she's going anywhere for Christmas. She must be, I'm just not sure when she's leaving. I should ask, I've been forgetting to check up with her the last couple days. It makes me feel better that she hasn't texted me much either though because then at least I know I'm not the only busy one.

I should call her to go out with me tonight. To be honest leaving the apartment seems like a chore, but I do need to get out, focus on anything other than school. I guess checking up on Trixie would be nice, figure out her plans and how she's doing with all her finals right now. My phone is face down on the counter so I pick it up and text her, she responds after just a minute. We're meeting in a half hour at the little coffee shop on campus because she doesn't want to drive anywhere.

When I arrive she's already there waiting for me, sitting at a little table in the back. She doesn't look up until I'm literally sitting across from her. "Tired?" I tease.

"Yeah." She replies. "How are you?"

"Good."

"Same. It's been a while."

"I know, I missed you, there's been so much going on."

She nods. "Me too. Wanna order coffee? I'll pay."

"You don't have to-"

"Pleaseee, you got it last time we were here." She whines. I can't take her puppy eyes.

"Fine." I give in with a smile.

After we've ordered we sit back at the little table. She knocks her feet against mine under the table. I notice her pink hair is almost completely faded to blonde. I'm not sure if she just didn't have time to re-dye it, or if she wants it to go blonde, either way it's cute. "What're you looking at." She says.

"You. Duh." I reply and she rolls her eyes at me. "Where are you going for Christmas?" I ask.

"Oh." She replies, and her face falls a little bit. "I'm going to see my mom and sister for a few days before Christmas because that was when they could both get off work. Other than that I think I'm staying by myself in the dorms."

I frown. "You should've told me sooner. You want to come with me to Christmas in Boston?"

Trixie looks surprised. "It's a little late notice."

"You don't have to if you don't want to, I just thought you looked sad about being alone." I tell her. "It's up to you."

"I do, I just don't know if I have the money. I'm sure I can find enough though." A smile makes its way to her face. "Actually though?"

"If you want to." I reply. "Like I said up to you. Don't you got some points for flights on your account?"

She nods. "Probably, I'll have to look. I'd have to fly out a few days later than you probably though when are you going?"

"Saturday night."

"I couldn't make it until Tuesday, which is I think 2 days till Christmas Eve."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She replies, beaming.

I'm even more excited now that she's coming with me to Boston. My mom will be thrilled, she loves Trixie. I'll have to let her know first thing when I get home.

Trixie and I chat for a while longer, about Christmas and school, crazy family drama, and movies she's watched the last few days. I can't believe how much her confidence has grown since we left high school. It suits her nicely.

Lets not mention how long that took me to write smh. I'm not motivated to write lately and I will finish this eventually but chapters will come kinda slow. Also nobody is reading so that should be fine lol

Anyways have a good day :p (I know I say it too often but how else should I end a chapter lol, I don't wanna sound rude :o)

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