Chapter 9

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Trixie POV- (freshman year)
Shea reaches out for me to sit next to her. I don't want to be around anyone but I know that when I get like this I'm not allowed to be alone. I sit on the edge of her bed, glad her roommate is gone. "I don't know how to help her."

"You can't" she replies. "It's gone too far, it's her problem."

"But I want to."

"I know you do."

The sobbing starts again, ripping through my chest. I'm exhausted from this but I don't want to sleep. I'll only wake up to the exact same thing tomorrow.

"It's going to be fine." Shea says. 

"She hates me."

She shakes her head. "Trix no she doesn't."

"She's choosing this shit over me. She doesn't want a life, she doesn't love me, she told me Shea. She told me she hated me."

"It's- Trixie it isn't an excuse. It doesn't make it better, but she's literally on meth and god knows what else. She's not meaning to choose it over you, she thinks it's keeping her alive."

My hands are shaking as I grab bedding in them to try and ground myself. "I know. But I'm mad at her."

"Then be mad at her. She's been terrible to you lately."

"But I love her."

She tucks hair behind my ear and hands me a box of tissues from the floor. "You can love someone and still be mad at them. You know that right?"

It's quiet for a while then, other than me sniffling. "Do you think she'll get better?" The thought of what could happen scares me to my core.

Shea shrugs. "I hope so. And if she does- when she does- if you want to let her back into your life then you can."

I nod, not wanting to talk about the rest. It hurts to even think about it, why would I tell Shea?

December 25th- Sophomore year)

"Trixie." I hear a whisper next to me. "It's almost 9 get up baby."

"Merry Christmas." I mumble, kicking blankets off, stretching aches out of my body from sleeping on the floor in the fort we made last night. "Did it snow?"

Katya smiles and kisses my forehead. "A little bit."

My stomach has butterflies in it. Katya goes out into the living room to watch tv before church and I go get ready in the bathroom. I brought a black dress and do my eye shadow in red. My hair won't cooperate very well, I've always been terrible at curling it. "Katya!" I yell down the hallway.

"What?"

"Will you do my hair?"

She gets off the chair and starts making her way down the hall. "You're going to look crazy."  She laughs.

I pull her in the bathroom, leaving the door open so it doesn't get too hot. I finish my makeup while she curls my hair. She nearly burns me about 50 times but my hair does look really nice when she's finished. She does a good job, not a safe one. "Okay hurry hurry." Katya says. "We have to leave soon."

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