ALWAYS

XXVIII

My voice got caught in my throat… tears finally stopped from falling on my cheeks… and the next thing I knew was my body got enveloped by his tight hug… as if squeezing my life out by his strong yet comforting arms…

His body trembled… he was crying… muffling his cry as he buried his face in my hair… why is he suddenly acting like this…?

“Don’t leave me… please”

He said it again… I don’t know wha t to say… r
eact or even feel… everything that’s been happening right now seemed so surreal that I don’t even know if this is still part of reality…

My arms stayed limped on my side… I felt my lungs being squeezed out of my breath because of tight hug… I stayed staring at the ceiling… listening to his sobs… why is this happening… never did I saw him this vulnerable… am I just dreaming…?

Oh please Lord… please stop playing with my emotions… I’m really tired now… is it too much to ask for a simple rest…?

I closed my eyes… hoping this will stop… I should stop deceiving myself… it will only hurt me more…

But then, no matter how tight I close my eyes… hoping for this dream to just  vanish in my imagination… I could still feel his warmth… seeping through every part of my body… calming down the shivering coldness inside my heart…

My mouth hanged open… oh god… this is real…

“I don’t know what to do anymore… I’m so confused… my head hurts so much from thinking… I know I want to hurt you… break you into pieces… watch you in agony but I can’t… I don’t know why… you’re making me insane… just by seeing you… I feel like my head and my chest would burst out from the hard pounding I could feel inside… why are you doing this to me…? Why…?”

He said between his sobs… I don’t understand each and every word that just came out from his lips… but I could feel that he’s blaming me again for something I don’t even know why…

Suddenly he pulled me out from his hug… tears that are threatening to burst out from my eyes blurred my vision of him… I want to wipe those tears to see his face clearly but his hands were gripping both of my arms that I could even lift a hand…

He looked at me for a while… the same pained face I saw back then was again plastered on his face… looking at me with those pained eyes… why…? What have I done this time…? Will I ever receive a normal and warm stare from him…? Am I really that hideous to look at to receive such gaze from him…?

“You’re confusing me so much… is this your way on getting back on me…?”

I tried to open my mouth… decided to ask him what he was talking about but then, he hugged me again, pushing us both down in our bed with him on top of me… I  want to push him away… I’m tired… can’t he be considerate about it…?

But his next words brought much shivers down my being…

“I want you so bad that it pains me everyday seeing you so far… I want you so bad that I want to lock you down so that no one can take you away… probably to hurt you more just to tell you to stay… that seeing you with someone felt like a dagger stabbing me over and over again… I don’t understand my own feelings anymore… I’m so confused… all I know is that I want you… I want you to stay…”

“Jungkook…”

His name just came automatically from my throat…my arms suddenly been lifted up and wrapped along his body… resting both my hands on his broad back…

“Please bear with me...”

His tears continuously soaked my shoulders and hair… and just then as if everything hit me in one blow… my heart started beating so fast once again… tears flowed out from the side of my eyes… and my breath got deeper and faster… as if I’m being suffocated with what’s happening…

I felt his hands cupped both sides of my face… as he brought himself up to look down at me… I felt his warm tears dropped from his eyes wetting my cheeks as he continuously looked at me…

“I’m sorry…”

Those words were enough to bring me in more tears… I almost choke in my own tears upon hearing it from him… my chest tightened and an overwhelming feeling showered my whole body as if I forgot the pain I was feeling from earlier…

My hands instinctively went up to cover my mouth… I just couldn’t handle hearing those words from him… maybe I am really losing my mind now… just simple words yet could drive me insane…

I continuously cried… can’t even believe in myself on how I could produce such amount of tears in one day… my eyes were probably swollen by now but I don’t care…

I uncovered my lips… and looked up again at him… “I… didn’t do it… I didn’t hurt her… I was..-“
I tried explaining myself… only to be cut when his lips crashed into mine… my eyes widen in surprise… both of his hands came… locking mine with his… pinning it down the bed…

His eyes were both closed… and his lips started to move with mine… drowning me to the bliss it gives… my eyes slowly fluttered close… I squeezed both of his hands with mine... as I felt his warm tongue slipped inside my mouth enveloping mine…

Does this mean he believes me…? Does this mean that finally he’s opening his heart for me…? But no matter what this kiss truly means… all I want to do right now is to savor each of this moment… savor each skip that my heart would beat whenever his lips would touch mine… the softness of his hands against mine… and the flaming warmth of his body that could stir up every fiber inside me…

The kiss was so passionate… I felt that his lips fit perfectly with mine… such cruel intention to wish for this kiss not to stop…even I slowly lose my breath… I would stake it just to stay like this… to feed my unrequited affection towards him…

Every start comes with an end… just like the momentarily bliss that we shared… he broke out from the kiss which left me craving and begging for more… I never though I this shameless side inside of me…

He brought his face up leaving a small space between us… I could still feel his breath lingering on my lips… the tip of his nose brushing on top of mine…he let go

one of my hands only to be brought it between our lips… his slender fingers touched my lips… caressing it while watching it like a curious child… I never blinked neither did he… probably memorizing this event once again… hoping I could record it once again…

Just being with him made me forget about my apprehensions… suddenly forgetting about my lost key… as if he’s the one filling up for that loss… maybe, I really am losing my mind now…

“Stay… arasso…?”

He whispered one last time and I don’t know if my eyes were deceiving me for I caught a slight smile on his lips after he said those words… I’m back from being stiff…I just cant take everything all in at once… he then caressed my face before laying his head on my chest…

Silence surrounded us… but I could hear the mad pounding of my heart inside my chest… could he hear it too…? What a shameless heart, beating for the wrong man…

I was curious as to why I couldn’t feel the heaviness of his body… I couldn’t feel him squeezing me down until I slowly lose my breath… I could only feel his heaving body against mine… feel his arms securely wrapped along my small frame… that made me wrapped my arms along his too…

‘Could we stay like this forever Jungkook-ah…?’

I’m afraid that if morning comes… everything that just happened would vanish with just a blink of an eye… tonight, I would selfishly wish for the time to stop… even the reality of you being not mine... please let me be selfish just for this night…

“I’ll stay…”

After moments of silence…I whispered down at him… even if it’s not enough to reach his ears… I’ll stay… may it will be more painful… I’ll stay… even if it’ll cost me millions of pieces of my heart… I’ll stay… if moments like this would happen every after those painful tortures that you will give me…then I’ll choose to stay… for every of this moments give life to my aching heart… mend those wounds… makes me see a different side of you and probably you’re hate for me will vanish in your heart replacing it with the same beat as mine…