Her Flaws

Chapter 08

All people in your life are temporary. Every single person is temporary. No matter how hard we try to hold on, eventually, they leave. People come to us, teach us something, and leave. With time, all the people I loved, left. One by one, every person that used to stay by my side, disappeared. It made me little upset. I learned to love myself later. But before, I even cried over some friends leaving me. Joanna was the first one to backstab me. She disappointed me when I was not even mentally prepared for such betrayal. I never expected this from her. I dated Joanna's childhood friend. Joanna introduced me to him and encouraged us to have a good relationship. But we were not really a match so we used to fight a lot. He really didn't have the basic manners of debate and argument. And Joanna supported him. Not just supported him, but badmouthed me with him. I mistakenly read all their conversation and I felt so disappointed. So my and Joanna's friendship ceased. I felt sad. But they were so toxic, it was good that everything ended without getting any worse. I wished her good luck too. Minnie was a close friend too, but our friendship did not work out like I expected. We still talk sometimes. I'm waiting to see how long Ashley stays. And Sheridan? Remember that guy who was my classmate and I fell for him? He promised me that he will stay my best friend and he will never let me down. His promises did not even last a month. That is why I don't like men. I actually don't like anyone. I hate everything, everyone and every second of my life. Ah. This is so annoying.
I've always been a good writer since elementary school. I wrote a story for my sister's college assignment two years ago and she won a prize. I felt proud for my writing skills for the first time. And I love poetry also. I love to read poetry in different languages. I even got scolded for reading poetry because poetry is not for kids and I should just study. But I've written a lot. I write poetry in my diaries and in notes in my phone. I seek my refuge in Arts, whether it is writing, painting or music. I find my peace in these things. And I love my one poem too much:

Desires

I want to know my desires
Do I want isolation?
Or do I want to be cherished?
Am I perished?
Am I banished?
out of the love zone?
Am I a crone?
When I go for a stroll
I want to be lost
With darkness being my host
I will succumb
But never will return
That is what I yearn
To become beautiful
Thee burn.

Isn't it good? I love compliments. So you should compliment me when I get a new haircut, when I write a new poem, when I write a meaningful paragraph, when I paint a nice painting, when I show you my new dress, when I buy a new pet and there is a long list. Compliment everything. I also compliment others when I adore something they have. So I appreciate if you compliment me.
I love stuff toys too. I have a little green turtle with big attractive eyes. And a small pink teddy bear, that Minnie gifted me on my 14th birthday. Teddy bears are love. I want a big big teddy bear so that I can hug him and cry. But will it let me feel the warmth of a fatherly hug?
Kids replace old toys with new ones. Dad replaced me with her. So, should I think that he's a kid? A kid in his mid fifties? Well. Even if I think like that, it sounds weird. It doesn't comfort me. I need to think about a better excuse. I'm going crazy. Seriously.
My dad loves pancakes. And I'm a sweet lover like my dad. I never had much interest in cooking but I know how to make desserts, and Asian desserts specially. When I feel like need a thing, I learn to do it myself.
He often says that he doesn't want me to do anything for him, he doesn't want to be indebted to me. Well, I don't think like that but I avoid it myself. Once, he asked me for a glass of juice and it took me just four minutes. And he said so harshly, “I shouldn't have asked you to do it. Sybil does my all work very well.” and continued saying such things. I couldn't hold my frustrations any longer and I replied, “You should've asked her then.” and he threw the glass away without having a sip. I still don't regret it, what did I do? What should I regret and why? What the hell is wrong with him?
I've spent all the previous ten years staying quiet. I used to overthink and then forgot about it in a few days. Nobody noticed anything. But now I tell him what he is doing. And everyone takes notes now. When I gather a pile of hypocritic stuff, then there's a serious argument and ends up in someone getting beaten up by him. He does not dare to slap me now. Because he knows my mental condition, I guess. I won't stand it. My self harm habits are bad. And I'm violent and that makes me regret. I'm scared of myself now. I'm so scared. I don't want to be a mad girl. It is my biggest fear.