Her Flaws

Chapter 09

There are a lot of sad sides of my story. When I turned fourteen, I had my first relationship. I used to spend most of my time outside. College, Academy, Library and then finally, I used to come home at 8 pm just to have dinner and sleep. I got my first boyfriend but it didn't run well and we broke up within 20 days, we didn't even date. We met twice. That was the start of my destruction. Then I kept changing boyfriends. In a few more months, I got addicted to this game. I found Aryan. He was two years senior than me. He became my friend first, we spend a year of clear friendship. But then he asked me to meet and took me to a private place. I got different kinds of thoughts. I was scared first, but I trusted him. He asked someone to set a table and in a few moments we were sitting comfortably. No one could see us there. I was nervous. There was a deadly silence for a few moments that made me more scared.
“Are you not comfortable?”
“No it's not that...”
He held my hands. And it gave me goosebumps. But I said nothing. I regret. I should have run away.
“What are you doing..?” I asked politely in a very low tone.
“I am doing nothing. You will do it first.”
I was understanding nothing. Aryan seduced me successfully. He kissed me and all that. Simply, I became a victim of child abuse. But can I call it abuse? I didn't even deny him.
Not just this. I got addicted to it. Every time I regretted, but I still couldn't stop myself. I changed boyfriends. And I kept doing this too. My sins burdened me so much. Sometimes, I feel like Sheridan is a punishment for me, to pay for these sins. Sheridan was the last guy I kissed. And after him, I don't want to date anyone. I can't even imagine someone else. I even regret kissing him. And it's been more than a year, with all these regrets. No one knows about this, how much I've been abused. Every time, I write ‘abuse’, I get confused, even I should call it abuse or not.
But I was a kid who didn't even distinguish what was right or wrong. Is this a good excuse?
Things that I can never forget horrify me. I'm terribly afraid of men. In all manners. I've been abused in all ways possible. My father used to beat me and my boyfriends abused me physically. I'm just so finished. But then someone told me that God gives everyone a second chance. That gave me strength. I have to pay for my sins, because I can't bear this burden on my heart anymore.
Once I put this statement on my social media:

“MEN ARE TRASH”

And a school friend, Kiara, said, “Your father is also a man” and I replied with, “Yes, so?” and she texted me a long paragraph scolding and bad-mouthing me that I'm a terrible daughter.
“I'm ashamed that I was your friend once... now don't contact me again and delete my number also. A girl who doesn't even respect her father, whom else she can pay respect. The father who spent all his earnings on your tuition fees and even after all your mistakes, didn't take away your freedom... but wait you still befriend guys? Who are trash? I hate you for this.” She wrote.
This did not affect me at all. I had heard such things before. And I did not give her a clarification because I didn't have any other expectations from her. She's also a dumb beauty. She has been nice to me so I pay her back being nice. I didn't fight because of this and she later texted me with sorry for being rude. So I let that go. I still say, Men Are Trash. This doesn't mean I'm saying this about every man that existed ever on this Earth. This simply means every man that I met was and is: TRASH. Some people even assumed that I put this statement after a breakup. Lol. These little things don't bother me anymore. I will turn twenty next year. And I'm already much more mature than a twenty year old now. But does that make me a sensible person? I don't think that you can call a sociopath and an ill tempered person, sensible.
I became a self harm addict in 2013. I used a sharpener blade to make cuts on my arm. Some people assumed the breakup situation then too. I had a lot of mental conditions. That didn't fix anything but making myself to feel physical pain enabled me to forget my heartaches for a little period of time. And sometimes I considered it as a punishment for me. Because there are a lot of things that I got blamed for. Even if I don't accept the blame, it will still stay with me forever. First, I starting with cutting, then I started burning my arms and feet with matchstick and candles and then I started taking pills. I caused myself a whole lot of trouble. I wish everything could be much better than this. But last year, I promised Sheridan that I won't cause myself any physical harm. Promises are made to be kept. So I kept my promise and still haven't done anything wrong with me. Sheridan took away my three years addiction of self harm, I feel grateful towards him for this. I have already ruined my arm. And I have deep scars left by people who were close to my heart, who shouldn't have done this. I punished myself for things that I didn't cause. And my violent nature, anger management issue and all other symptoms proved me a patient of Borderline Personality Disorder this year. It makes me terrified of my own self. It makes me more sad and shattered.