Her Flaws

Chapter 10

We all must strive to achieve something. Will and efforts are two essential ingredients for success. Success in every sense. I am not a hardworking person, an honest opinion. I'm moody instead. Consistency level is very low in me. I get bored of something very early. But I'm really stubborn at times. When I want something, I will do anything. And I stand by my word even if I say it in uncontrolled anger. You will not find someone as soft as me yet you will never see someone as tough as me. I am complicated. And day I find someone who can understand even my most complicated whorl, I will marry that person.
I have heard that people with abusive parents and ruined childhood, look for a loving parent in their spouse or partner. But even though, they fail. They end up being with a person who has nothing in common with their parents but the rage and abusive behaviour. Nothing can be worse misfortune than this. That is why I don't want to get married soon. May be I will have to get married some day. But I don't think about it now. I sought love in everyone and secured it from everywhere I could, but it did not last long. So I have stopped looking for love in others too. Instead, I'm learning to love myself the most that I don't need anyone else to love me and that I don't have to cry when something unexpectedly disappointing happens. I've been carved out of scars and tattoos of worst words and patterns and they keep reminding me of what people did to me. But I still stand still at the bay, watching the glistening sea, in which my tears dropped and disappeared. I am writing all this so the pearls that were made of my tears, will someday become the jewel on someone's elegance.
So many teenagers kill themselves because of several reasons. Even if I save one life out of the thousand dying souls, this story will be worth reading.
My therapist once told me that it's not like my parents hate me. It's just that they've been conditioned in a way that they don't realise where their behaviour is toxic. I tried to understand this. It did not help. They might do a lot of things unintentionally like being over protective. But what is the point of all these self created problems of life?
There are so many more things that I never get to know. I'm one of those rare people who mind their own business. Even if someone talks bad about me beside me, I won't hear it if I'm doing some work of mine. I won't even bother to hear. But I mistakenly overheard Hailey and Aunt Ember talking. Hailey was telling her that dad said this:
“I won't ever sit on the dining table with this girl (me) again. Don't she dare to come when I'm eating”
It's about the last argument we had over bread and I left the dining room without having a bit of lunch.
Is it something too much for a nineteen year old girl? I asked him for a bread, he made fuss about it. He was giving the bread to my younger sister. But when I asked, the devil came out of him, and I felt like I asked him for what?
If I keep telling you incidents like this, you will start thinking that my dad might be crazy. (Even I think like that sometimes)
I'm getting crazier every day. Even though there are so many conflicts, but I still want to fix everything. When I pray, I never complain God about him. Because I don't want God to go hard on my dad because of me. I want my family to stay a happy family even in the afterlife. I want all of us to go to heaven together, with a ceaseless unidentified indefinable feeling of being happy and prosperous. But that makes me more sad to think that I don't have a way to fix anything. Why does he be like that with me? What wrong have I done? Even when I tried to ask him, I got no answer. Instead, more shame and more insult I got.
Do you think that a silly breakup might hurt you and break your heart? Believe me, you're far blessed if you have a prosperous family. And a loving father.
Once I discover the reason behind this mystery, it will lift all the weight off my chest. I hope I will be able to regret and repent my mistake and I will not resent my father anymore. Because hope is the only thing I have and what keeps me warm enough to continue waking up in mornings of disappointment and frustrations.
I cleared my high school exams and I will be going to university next month. It gives me anxiety. New places terrify me. I hope I will find good friends and nice teachers. Because non cooperative teachers are far worse than my father. They give more depression than anything else. I wonder why teachers be like that. Do they get paid for annoying students? There was a teacher in school named Aslan and he was a terrible person. I was elected as a volunteer of my class and he got my number telling me that he might need to contact me in case of any emergency. Later, he started texting informal messages. He tried to harass me but somehow I saved myself. The worst part was that he is a man in his early fifties. How could he do that? How can people be so mannerless and fearless? Do they not fear anything? Do they not fear the rage of a just God who is the King above all Kings and who is watching everything and who's justice can not be compared to the justice of all the just Kings of this mortal world? I wonder.