DEAD POET'S REVIEW 2.0

11. Dhi | DEE

Title of the Book: Dhi
Author: SohiniModak8
Reviewed by: scrubstains
C

hapters Read: 5
Score: 7/10

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Let me start by saying that I appreciate how you explained the title of the story in your blurb. With its definition, the title is suggestive of something cerebral. The blurb also provided a good idea of what to anticipate.

I also liked the interplay of colors in the cover. The star of the cover looks like a strongly-built woman with two symbols at hand—a flower and some sort of weapon. The contrast is interesting. I look forward to what they allude to in the story itself.

PLOT AND NARRATION

So, going through the story:

During the opening scene wherein Abhijishya was late for her meeting with Keya, there was a sudden shift in the topic of conversation from the pandemic to the national exams. I think that transition could be smoother if you've connected the girls' plight. I just think there are a lot of topics going on. It's a good attempt to make things conversational, but coherence shouldn't be sacrificed. 

I like how you included several explanations about the things you included in the story such as the main character's luck in gambling. I also like how you have cultural references (if I labeled that correctly) because it makes a better representation of the character.

In the scene wherein Abhijishya was apparently attacked. I think there are some bumps in the narration. I think it'll be better streamlining that sequence. Something like, "She felt her phone vibrating, signaling an incoming call. Suddenly, a strong force slammed into her like an incoming bowling bowl." I find it best to highlight these descriptions for more impact.

I find the description of the character's "assault" believable. At the same time, I want to drag drag it longer because this is the climax of the first chapter.

I appreciate how you divided the chapters into several parts based on the character's perspectives. By doing this, you've avoided confusion in narrating the story while serving multiple perspectives. Good call.

Throughout the chapters, I find the story being dialogue heavy. While it is alright to show the interaction of the characters so that we’ll know them, it is always best to complement those conversations with narrations. What are the characters seeing? Where are they? I would have wanted to see the contrast between Abhijishya’s world and the epic. I was hoping for a more descriptive narration especially when we were transported to the timeline of the epic. 

I actually like how you included what I think is the antagonists’ perspective, particularly Shakuni. It reminds me of Art of War. Thanks for shedding light about them. Over time, it feels like I’m reading a narrative of a series, which is a good thing. 

When Abhijishya finally woke, I like how realistic the hesitancy and confusion is between the characters. Who wouldn’t be wary of a strange person suddenly appearing out of nowhere and half-hanging to life, right? I also liked Abhikishya’s thought process when she realized where she is. The panic is definitely on point.

Another thing I am fond of is how the characters did their best to communicate with each other. Language is definitely a barrier with the use of various dialects (please correct me if I’m wrong). I like seeing the characters bridging that gap.

Story-wise, the story is shaping up into a good one. However, I am still looking for more oomph in terms of world building. Take us to the epic, dear. I would have loved to see the contrast of modern world to their time.

TECHNICALITIES

Throughout the chapters, there are several terms that I am not familiar with. These include "nah", "chal", "are baba". I wonder if these are colloquialisms. English isn't my first language, so I appreciate the use of words from a writer's native tongue. I know you included translations of some phrases you used, which is good. However, other terms (such as the colloquialisms I mentioned) are unfamiliar. The readers will appreciate it more if you put a glossary or an explanation of those terms in your author's notes. 

Another thing I noted is extending the words in the dialogue. Examples include "soooo" or "Maaaa". Preferentially, I advise avoiding doing this kind of text lingo because it makes the narrative appear informal. If you want to express emotions through the dialogue, I find it best to be colorful with the descriptions.

When it comes to Abhijishya’s thoughts, italicizing her internal monologue is a good thing to delineate it from the rest of the narration. I always thought that it’s an unspoken rule to do that. Whatever descriptors following that may be left unitalicized. Case in point (as edited), ““Is that…is that a bloody fucking gold statue?”, she screeched in her head.”

Appropriate and more impactful descriptors must also be noted, especially in pivotal scenes. Examples include, "She glanced out frantically to find her attacker only to find no one." I think it's more fitting to say, "She glanced around her frantically for her attacker, only to find herself alone." The same thing applies in a statement in your third chapter, wherein you wrote the dialogue in capital letters to emphasize the anger of the character speaking. Again, the emotions you want to convey in your writing is met by using stronger terms instead of sacrificing the format of the narrative. 

The same advice follows with the use of profanities. Since you rated the story mature, I think it’s okay not to censor these words in your story. If you prefer, you may add a warning at the start of the chapter about it as a heads-up to the readers.

There are some misspelled words, missing words, and missed and incorrect punctuation marks throughout the story. Be mindful of verb tenses, as well. I suggest editing the chapters before posting.

The length of the chapters is manageable to read in one sitting. The sentences are generally easy to read. Vocabulary is simple enough, making the narrative understandable. Minimal run-on sentences, which is good. I have several comments on the sentence construction, which I have touched under Plot and Narration. There are other observations of the same nature which I haven't pointed out, so I suggest rereading the chapters.

FINAL WORDS

Another Mahabharati fanfiction! Thank you once again for letting me read a story under this fandom. I liked Abhijishya’s characterization as you transported her to the epic. The strength in your story lies in the realistic way you’ve written her and the scenarios taking place. Although I have qualms with world building and the technical aspects of the story, plot-wise, I think this story is promising.

P.S. You got me with Depeeka Padukone. She’s a beauty.