Little Shelby Girl

Part 26. Shame

Vive's POV

I spent the whole Saturday and Sunday afternoon locked in my room. Just laying on my bed, reading a little, but most of the hours crying over Luke. I convinced Polly I caught a fever and that I don't want to spread my sickness all over the house. When I told her, I felt Tommy's eyes piercing in my back. He knew it was a lie, but kept his mouth shut. Thank God.

After I told him to fuck off last Friday I haven't spoken to him anymore. I don't know if he's mad or if he just gives me the space I asked for.

Space is what I need, just some time to process what happened Friday. I feel like shit this weekend, I feel dirty and ugly. I have never really been insecure before about my appearance, but right now, I feel worth nothing. I'm just so angry at myself, at Luke, my father who mutilated my body in a way that's apparently so gross men can't look at it.

Never again will I let a boy come close to me.

Tomorrow is Monday, which means I have to go back to school. Thinking of this makes me sick to the stomach. How can I face him? Sucks he's in most of my classes so avoiding him is no option.

I decide to pick another book as I hear noise coming from downstairs. Must be John and the kids. We always try to eat together with the whole family on Sunday evenings.The laughter of my nieces fills the house. I hear them asking for me and Polly answering them I'm sick in bed and that I will see them next week. I feel sad. Even though I want to be alone, I don't want to feel alone. There's a difference between that. I hear the seats sliding over the wooden floor, meaning dinner is ready. I put my book to the side and crawl under the blankets again Then, my door slowly opens.

It's Tommy, he walks in and sits himself down on the chair in the corner of my room. I look up at him to see what he's doing.

"How are you feeling?" He asks.

"Aren't going to eat with them?" I respond to him, trying to sit up and leaning against the backside of my bed.

He slowly shakes his head.

"No, I'm not. How are you feeling?" He repeats.

Out of habit I want to answer I'm fine, or I'm better, but I just can't. Instead I just avoid the question.

"Sorry I shouted at you Friday."

His arms are leaning on his knees and he picks a cigarette out of his pockets and lights it.

"It's okay, but can you now finally tell me what happened?" he responds, determined to get me speaking.

I already expected him to not let this rest. I sigh, thinking about a way of telling him without getting him crazy.

"It's about Luke." I say softly, staring at my hands. Tommy stands up from the chair and sits himself a little closer to me on the side of my bed.

He falls silent for a moment and clenches his jaws.

"Thought we had spoken about this." He says.

I nod slowly. "I know... but I didn't listen."

Tommy lets out a deep sigh after taking a puff of his cigarette.

"What happened?"

I feel my body getting warm again by just feeling the conversation is getting closer to the real story. I sweep the blankets off my body and pull my legs to my chest, hugging them closely while burying my head on my knees.

"I can't tell you Tom... it's..." I say, trying to find the right words. "It's too embarrassing for me."

Tommy narrows his eyes while keeping them locked on mine. "Embarrassing?" He repeats.

"Has he done anything to you?" He says, now a bit more worried and louder.

As I don't respond to him he continues. "Oi, look at me. Did he hurt you or..." He swallows before finishing his sentence "Did he touch you?"

Tears are welling up again and I try to hide it by resting my head on my knees. Tommy now put his hand on the side of my cheek, demanding me to lift my head.

"Why are you crying Vive.. tell me what he did."

I let out a shivering breath before telling him te truth, finally looking him in his blue eyes. Even though I am ashamed, I don't want him to think Luke hurt or raped me, I mean he did hurt me, but not like that.

"He didn't touch me." I say sobbing softly. "Friday, we both wanted to... you know... but then he saw my body and the scars I have on my chest and back... he said it looked disgusting and he can't do it with a girl looking like me and that's when he left while I was almost bare... you know."

I turn my head away from my brother again. Telling him this out loud makes me feel miserable and saying this to my brother is just too embarrassing. I lay myself down again on the bed and turn away from Tommy. He still hasn't respond to what I told him. I wipe my tears with blankets and let out a last sob before turning completely silent.

He then gets up from the bed and walks out of my room, shutting the door so hard it makes me flinch.

Just what I thought. I should've shut my mouth.