unattainable (tony stonem/chris miles)

(2) Episode 4.2

I knocked on the familiar red door of the Stonem household, expecting either Effy or Tony.

But it wasn't this time. It was Anthea Stonem, and she looked mightily unimpressed to see me, as usual.

"Hi, Anthea." I politely greeted. "Is Tony in?"
"He is." She told me bluntly.
"Can I see him?" I asked.
She shook her head. "I'm not sure about that."
I sighed. "Look, Anthea. I know you're not my biggest fan, but I really care about your son. I just need to see him."
She lowered her voice as she spoke this time, but it had a sharp tone to it. "Cleo, I heard about your dad, and I am sorry, but my son and his well-being are more important to me."
"I get that." I frowned. I felt partially stung by the mention of my dad and partially completely confused. "But why is that relevant?"
She sighed, almost impatiently that I hadn't understood what she was implying. "Tony is finally starting to get better, and we're finally starting to see a change. I don't want him to be used because you need somebody to be there for you, and I certainly don't want him to end up confused because certain people can't make up their mind about who they like." Anthea virtually hissed at me this time, causing my hands to shake at the confrontation. I didn't like the accusations being made, I wouldn't use Tony just because I wanted emotional support, and I suppressed tears at the way I'd been spoke to.

Before I could respond, Tony's voice came from further in the house.
"Mum?" He came towards us.
"Oh, hi, love." She put on a fake smile, clearly not wanting her son to know what she'd been saying.
Tony then turned to me and smiled. "Cleo! Do you want to come in?" He offered, and I felt relieved.
"Yeah. Thanks, Tony." I smiled, and following him in, feeling the visual daggers from Anthea as we walked upstairs.

We walked into his bedroom and both sat down on his bed.
"How are you doing?" Tony was quick to ask me.
"I'm fine." I told him, but he looked at me with a completely unconvinced expression, forcing me to repeat myself. "I'm fine! Are you?"
"Yeah. I feel much better actually." Tony nodded.
"Good." I smiled.

"Cleo, I know I had feelings for you." Tony blurted out unexpectedly.
"What?" I choked out, unsure how to respond.
"Yeah, I know I did. I'm sure I did." He was confident in his answer, but he still had a confused look on his face.
This was the glimmer of hope that I'd been waiting for for what felt like the longest time and I jumped at it. "Do you remember anything else, Tony? Do you remember anything else about us?"
Tony shrugged. "I remember that Chris loves you."
"He doesn't." I told him. "And anyway, that's not about us."
"He does." Tony was quick to respond, before looking like he was thinking again. "I know that you're Sid's sister, and I spent a lot of time at your house."
I sighed. It wasn't the answer I was seeking. "That's not really about us either, Tony."
Tony looked at me with a pitiful expression. He knew that there was things his memory was missing and he knew that they were important to me, but he couldn't tell me what. I didn't want to tell him, I wanted him to remember.
"The doctor said that some things may never come back, Cleo." Tony broke the news.

And then I experienced an utter moment of madness. "Let me see if I can jog your memory." I said, before removing my white t-shirt and exposing my black bra, and clambering on to Tony and kissing him.
He was hesitant but he did reciprocate the kiss, and I reached my hand down to his crotch and stroked him on the outside of his trousers.
"Cleo." He mumbled through kisses, before beginning to gently push me away. I knew exactly why. "I can't get... I can't get, you know, hard."

I jumped up and quickly pulled my t-shirt back on, wrapping my arms around myself and feeling vulnerable.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking stupid." I berated myself.
"No, I'm sorry." Tony insisted. "Maybe... maybe we just need to give it some more time."

I suddenly felt an extreme surge of emotions. I replayed all of the months I'd waited for Tony, and the glimmer of hope I'd just gotten that had quickly crashed and burned, and I felt angry, and I couldn't suppress it.
"For fucks sake! I can't give this more time, Tony! Just fucking remember! I want you to be Tony again!"

I hadn't realised how loud I was yelling, and by the time my outburst finished, Anthea had rushed through the door with an angry look on her face.
I felt my chest drop and my eyes well up at the realisation of my reaction.
"I think you should leave, Cleo." She snapped, and I knew I had no choice.
"Anthea, I'm so sorry, I just -"
"Leave now and calm down." She looked like she could murder me in that moment, especially after the conversation at the door.
I nodded and turned to Tony before I left. "I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't mean what -"
He held his hand up to stop me and gave me a weak, sympathetic smile. "It's fine. I get it." He shrugged.

I turned back to Anthea who was still glaring at me and I knew I had to leave, and I felt her glare at me down every step, until I'd shut the Stonem door behind me.