unattainable (tony stonem/chris miles)

(2) Episode 9.1

"Hey, sleepy." I quietly whispered to Chris as his eyes began opening.

I'd been perched on the side of his single bed for hours. I was completely sleep deprived, but I was too terrified that something was going to happen to him and I wouldn't hear or wouldn't be aware until it was too late, so my only solution was to sit and watch over him while he slept.

"Hey, you." Chris whispered back with a smile, before slowly sitting up and looking around. "Who ate my grapes?"
"Anwar." I told him. "Is that really your biggest concern right now, Chris?"
"You're right... I feel funny." He winced.
"Funny?"
"Yeah, Cleo. I mean, I bet you'd feel a bit funny if they'd stuck a tube from your balls to your brain."
I laughed along with him. After watching him sedated in the hospital bed for days on end, I was so grateful to be able to laugh at his usual humour again. "Yeah. Probably."
Chris leaned over to his bedside table, opened up the small drawer and pulled out a half-finished joint and a lighter with a naked girl on it. He proceeded to light the joint and take a long drag, before blowing smoke rings into the air.
"Chris, are you allowed to smoke?" I questioned.
"Cleo, I was properly dead for three minutes. If I can survive that, I can survive a couple of doobies."
I rolled my eyes and snatched the joint off him, causing him to exclaim, "hey!"
"I am getting you better, Chris, if it's the last thing I do."
Chris studied my expression, which had been visibly distressed since I'd got the phone call. He sighed, "I should've told you. I know. I'm sorry."
"It's okay." I assured him. "I know now."

There was a gentle knock at the door.
"I'll get it." I told him, bringing the stubbed out joint with me.

I opened the door to see Cassie and Tony both stood together.
"I'm here to see Chris." Cassie excused herself, walking into our apartment.
"And I'm here to see you." Tony told me.

I grabbed Tony by the elbow and led him away from the apartment and onto the outdoor staircase.
"What do you want?" I snapped.
"I want to apologise. I want to sort things out."
I shook my head, immediately dismissing this. "There's nothing to sort out, Tony. I'm done with you. I can't believe I ever thought you'd be different with me."
"But... I love you." He looked at me emotionally, but I had no sympathy.
"That means nothing." I harshly told him.
Tony glared at me, impatient with the lack of pity I was giving him. "You're not perfect yourself, you know?" He snapped.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I angrily asked, in disbelief that this was getting turned onto me.
"Yeah, I kissed someone. But I loved you. Only you."
"And what?" I pushed.
"And you don't just love me, do you? I mean, that's if you actually love me at all. Aside from you thinking I'm a cunt and thinking you can't trust me, there's another reason why you've never been one-hundred-percent about giving this a go, isn't there?"
"What are you on about, Tony?"
"I'm on about Chris, Cleo. You never lost feelings for him, I was just the easier option, because you knew that if things went wrong with you and Chris, you'd lose more than if things went wrong with me and you. Am I wrong?" He demanded.
And was he wrong? I wasn't even sure. "I don't know. Maybe."
Tony sighed. "That's all I needed to know."

I watched as Tony walked away and off into the distance, disappointed by the response I'd given him.

I walked back into the apartment, shut the door behind me, and went to walk back into Chris' bedroom, but paused as I heard my name in his and Cassie's ongoing conversation.
"She sat with me in the hospital for days, Cass. She didn't leave once, not once. She just kept crying." Chris was telling her in a quiet voice.
"She cares about you." Cassie responded.
"Yeah. I hope so."
"Do you love her?" Cassie asked, causing my eyes to widen, desperate for the answer. "Like really love her?"

And I couldn't help myself, I stepped in to the bedroom before he'd had a chance to answer and asked, "do you?"
After the shock on his face that I'd just walked in and asked him that, his expression faded into a half smile. "I always have."