unattainable (tony stonem/chris miles)

(2) Episode 4.4

After the splashing around in the sea, I emerged back onto the beach and grabbed a towel I'd packed.
I moved away further away from the group and up the beach to dry off.

Chris emerged from the water seconds after me and rushed up behind me.
"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" He questioned me, with that infectious grin of his.
I shrugged. "I just needed some down time."
He nodded. "I get it. How are you feeling?"
"Alright." I told him, before chuckling and shaking my head at myself. I'd got so used to saying I was 'alright' or 'fine', when I wasn't, so I admitted, "everything just feels a bit fucked up right now, but... I'll be okay."
"But if you're not okay, that's okay too, you know?" Chris assured me.
I nodded with a comforted smile. "I know. Thanks, Chris."
"Anyway, I forgot to ask," Chris changed the subject, "how did it go with Tony?"
I sighed, feeling the heavy feeling in my chest and the remorse from my behaviour the last time I'd seen him. "I think it's over."
Chris furrowed his brows, oblivious. "What is?"
I couldn't help but chuckle, but the small laugh was laced with pain. "I'm so stupid, aren't I? I mean, we weren't even together, and here I am acting like we've just broke up."
Chris looked guilty, realising his mistake. "Cleo, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
But I wasn't bothered. It may be painful to realise, but it was true. We hadn't been together. This wasn't a break up. I was pathetic for holding onto that one phone call so much.
"Chris, it's fine. It's just... I think it's all over."
"Okay. Well, I'm here for you no matter what happens, you know that?" He put both his hands on my shoulders and comfortingly squeezed them.
I nodded. "I know that."

Chris and I stared at each other for a long moment, our eyes connected to each other.
And then our little moment was interrupted by the audible sound of shouting and squealing.

Chris and I both turned to the racket.
"Holy shit." Chris' grin was huge as we watched Scarlett's car wash out into the sea as the tide had came in and everyone frantically try and rescue it.
We both laughed together. "Now that's cheered me up." I muttered.
Chris grabbed my hand, still laughing to himself. "Come on. Let's go help."

***

We managed to rescue Scarlett's car, although she was having trouble attempting to get the engine to start again.
The rest of us had started drinking as she struggled.

Three drinks in, I noticed my brother sitting alone on a nearby sand bank, and I immediately walked over to him.

"You alright, bro?" I smiled, sitting down beside him.
"Bro?" He questioned with a smirk. I'd never used that term before. I just giggled. And then he answered, "yeah. Are you?"
"Yeah." I responded, before pointing out, "you looked deep in thought."
He forced a smile. "Just trying to figure out the best place for me to take a shit round here." He joked.
I chuckled. "Are you coming back to the group?"
He nodded with a sigh. "Yeah, just, uh, just give me a second. I keep feeling like I can't breathe and I just need some air."
Sid's words resonated with me. It's a feeling that I'd felt several times in the past month. The feeling that the air won't quite reach your lungs or that there's something crushingly heavy sitting on your chest.
"I know how you feel." I assured him. "I'll take a second with you."

We were both quiet for a minute, listening to nothing but deep breaths, the breeze, the sea crashing and the distant music blasting through a speaker and laughter from the rest of the group.
And then Sid turned to look at me. "I'm sorry I left you, Cleo."
"What?" I asked, confused. Sid and I rarely did apologies for anything, nor deep, emotional conversations, but I felt like one was coming.
"After dad had died, I shouldn't have left you. You're my sister, you needed me, and I needed you as well. I shouldn't have just ran. Not for a girl that didn't even want me in the end anyway." Sid apologised.
I shrugged, but the apology sparked a lot of emotion in me. I'd needed to hear this. My brother leaving me to deal with our dad's death on my own had caused a lot of pain for me, pain that I didn't talk to Sid about. And despite how much this apology meant to me, I just shrugged again and said, "I get it, Sid."
But he continued. "I just... sometimes it's hard. Through all of our childhood, all of dad's rage, all of the parental arguing, all of them nights where we sat in my room and played games to block out the bickering, I just never felt like you needed me. You were always so tough, and it was always me that needed you there for reassurance. But you do need people. You look out for everyone so much and it should've been my turn to step up and look out for you. I'm sorry."
I fought back the tears that were forming in my eyes. I hadn't realised how much I'd needed this apology from my brother. The three drinks I'd downed definitely hadn't helped me achieve emotional stability, but I successfully suppressed the urge to cry.
I smiled. "It's okay, Sid. It's nice to talk about this. It's nice to know that we're going through the same thing."
Sid nodded, too. "Yeah. It is."
And I put my head on my brother's shoulder and we sat together for a few minutes longer and tried to catch our lost breaths.